Hey, this is a section from the first chapter of a bigger project. I'm looking into the genre of fantasty and I would like for these lines to be critiqued and if it made you want to see more or completely sustain from reading anymore. Thanks! *********** A withered man perched himself at the edge of a small stage set against the wall with two others behind him. He moved a trembling hand through the hoary head of hair and glanced through the drooping wrinkles to the crowd conversing loudly over cold drinks and hot food. Lifting the flute to his lips he took a breath. The other two musicians followed suit and soon the instruments became extensions of their owners. They manipulated the song with long smooth harmonies, their crescendos and decrescendos vibrated through Draken's chest. It was then that they became more than musicians or story tellers, they became the all seeing that created the music of woe that seemed to fit with the fates of the patrons listening. It was as if they gathered
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 21, 2005).]
Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :
I was reading through this, and was interested, but something seemed a little off. It took me a couple of times reading through to finally catch what was bothering me. The POV was off. First it seems that you are starting with the old mans POV but then it seems to go off to a narrator. I think if you started with a character that was in deep conversation, and then he slowly comes to recognize and hear the wonderful tale that they are weaving through their music, you would have a better "hook", and interesting beginning.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Well, first I'd say, it's got an awful lot of unnecessary adjectives and adverbs that weigh the piece down. Try cutting a few and you'll see how much smoother it reads.
The first sentence feels a bit too long. Maybe just cut "set against the wall". I can picture them on a stage, but the wall part makes me wonder. It sounds like the stage is against the wall when you say it like that (which we all know stages are usually against a wall ). And if it's the musicians against the wall that seems awkward.
A withered man perched himself at the edge of a small stage set against the wall with two others behind him. He moved a trembling hand through the hoary head of hair and glanced through the drooping wrinkles to the crowd conversing loudly over cold drinks and hot food. Lifting the flute to his lips he took a breath. The other two musicians followed suit and soon the instruments became extensions of their owners. ((This line is good.)) They manipulated the song with long smooth harmonies, their crescendos and decrescendos vibrated through Draken's ((This is the first we hear of Draken--use his name in the beginning if he's the POV character. We'll get that he's a musician because he's on stage playing an instrument)) chest. It was then that they became more than musicians or story tellers, they became the all seeing that created the music of woe that seemed to fit with the fates of the patrons listening.
Hope this helped...
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited November 21, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm not hooked. Some musicians are playing in a cafe. Great, but why do I care? It looks like our POV character is Draken. Why does he care? Talent scout? Musician himself? Is he playing? Let us know, up front. (And if we SHOULDN'T care, start elsewhere.)
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
I see what you're trying to portray here, but the wording seems distant to me. His head of hair, his wrinkles... the head, the wrinkles seem like they're not his. *** He moved a trembling hand through his hoary head of hair and glanced through drooping wrinkles at the crowd conversing loudly over cold drinks and hot food. *** Also, the third sentence seems a bit disjointed.. manipulating a song? Maybe they imbued, wove, or even wrought if it's fantasy. Also, make the tone more active -- They imbued the song with smooth harmonies an d powerful chords, the crescendos vibrating through Draken's chest.
On other's points though -- what is so interesting to begin here?
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
SuperOpie,
I'd like to read/critique your story. How long is it?
). And if it's the musicians against the wall that seems awkward.