Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Somewhere a Girl, Somehow Lost (contemporary fantasy)

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Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

I understand that the length of this novelet (11,000 words) is potentially off putting in terms of finding readers for the whole manuscript.

However, if anyone would like to see the manuscript then they're free to critique as much or as little as they wish. If you reckon you'd only have time to read, say, 3000 or even only the first 1000 words then that's not a problem; any comments on any size portion of the story would be very much appreciated.

Somewhere a Girl, Somehow Lost
contemporary fantasy

Oh, by the way, this is a fairy tale... honest!

* * * * *
This is not a tale that took place 'once upon a time'. Indeed, this is a tale that may not have occurred at all.
This is a story about a castle that could not be.
Located at the bottom of a garden that never was.
Concerning a girl who no longer is.
It started here, in this house, in Minor's Bay, Oregon. The town's name was a mystery to its residents as the biggest body of water nearby was a man-made reservoir. Some questioned whether the name was a typo, and was supposed to read Manor's or Miner's, though that still wouldn't explain where the 'bay' was. However, in the real world--your world--there was no such place as Minor's Bay, Oregon. Besides, this Oregon lies somewhere southeast of Wyoming and was smaller than the state of Delaware.
* * * * *

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

That last paragraph is a put-off in the level of information and confusion. I don't think the rest of the beginning is bad for a story of 11,000 words, but you don't have a lot of space left to actually get into the action.

The idea of the story, vague as it is so-far, is appealing. Email me the story. I don't promise I will have time to read it, but I'll certainly try.

Posted by Natosis (Member # 3001) on :

Your beginning seems reminiscent of the beginning of Men in Black II <grin>. Anyways, I really like it. It definately has a fairytale feel towards it. Where exactly are they? Why doesn't this place exist for people in our world? What girl are you talking about? If you're going to bring about these questions for the reader, and then leave them open and move on to descriptions, make sure you answer them sometime later in your story. It definately makes me want to read on, though. Feel free to email me a small portion of it.

Posted by chadamas (Member # 3016) on :

Wow, I really like that. The narrative style is very intriguing.

I can't offer any constructive criticism because there really isn't anything I dislike. The last paragraph is a bit of an infodump, but it works well and still manages to keep my attention.

Oh, there are two mechanical errors I wanted to point out. It's been a while since I've taken an English class, but I'm pretty sure that periods always go inside quotation marks. Also, you have a tense problem in your last sentence.

quote:
Besides, this Oregon lies somewhere southeast of Wyoming and was smaller than the state of Delaware.

You might want to change "was" to "is."

Good job with this. I can't guarantee that I'll finish it quickly, but if you want to send me the story, I'll read it as I get time.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

Thanks for your speedy replies, guys. A copy has been sent to each of you!

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

Although the story idea is intriguing to me, what literally happened was that by the time I reached the comma after "was supposed to read Manor's or Miner's" I zoned out, and only caught the words 'Oregon' and 'Wyoming'. That paragraph is way too thick, especially coming off of the one-liner paragraphs before it.

Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :

If you are still looking for readers, I would be very interested in reading, and commenting.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

The punctuation is correct with the periods outside the "quotation marks".

Only when the phrase inside the quotation marks completes a sentence or phrase that would be independant of the speech annotation is the period included in the quotation marks.

"Hey," he said, "get over here." -- goes inside.

I hate being labeled a "liberal". -- goes outside.

EDIT: fixed capitalizaion in my demos

[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 20, 2005).]

Posted by chadamas (Member # 3016) on :

Pantros, your reply made me do some researching and I discovered that what I said is the accepted American method, but there is quite a bit of support these days for the British system, which is what you noted.

The American way is pretty illogical, and I still don't quite understand who made this rule and for what reason, but in American English, periods and commas always go inside quotation marks, no matter how the sentence is structured or what is being quoted.

Posted by D_James_Larkin (Member # 3007) on :

That is my understanding also chadamas. It is definitely the correct method in American formal/legal writing.

Pantros' comment is however correct for use with parentheses. Maybe that was the confusion.

Interesting also is that the same formal writing indicates that all other end of sentence punctuation should reside outside the end of the quote.... yet; many publishers and editors place them inside the quote for fiction (maybe others also, but I am most familiar with the fiction literature).

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I read patros' comment and felt momentarily liberated, but then I read on and realized I am still shackled to that stupid American rule.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Hey unless someone specifies that it must be written in American English, you now have the fuel to argue whichever way you prefer.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

You are both right:

'once upon a time.' = American English

'once upon a time'. = British English

As my story is clearly written in American English I should have placed the period inside the quote.

However, I agree with Lynne Truss in Eats, Shoots & Leaves in that the American version is illogical and, from an aesthetic point of view, looks untidy.

Oh, and yeah, it should say lay and not lies. That's was just lazy proof-reading on my part - apologies!

As an aside to an earlier comment the 14th line begins immediately with the girl of the story.

Jakare, the story is winging it's way to you right now...

[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited November 21, 2005).]