Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Unnatural Predators

This is topic Unnatural Predators in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

I wrote this sci-fi short a while back, its approx 1500 words. Any feedback would be appreciated and if anyone could proof read it I'll gladly send the completed version on to you.

As far as Dicky Sloane could tell from his plot in the corner, Madame Grimaldi was basically a hundred and sixty kilos of blubber swaddled in swanky see-through threads. With mild disgust, he watched her parading provocatively around the Pumping Palace Hotel Bar Room like some kind of promiscuous whale. The few punters that graced the place tonight seemed more interested in the holographic image of two angels performing aerobatic sex acts above the bar than her somewhat optimistic advances. It was Wednesday night and business appeared to be slow, though he couldn’t imagine it got much busier in peak times if all the lap dancers were of same generous dimensions as tonight’s solitary offering. He turned his attention to the toothless old man in the opposite corner

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 17, 2005).]

Posted by Winship (Member # 2947) on :

It was Wednesday night and business appeared to be slow, though he couldn’t imagine it got much busier in peak times if all the lap dancers were of same generous dimensions as tonight’s solitary offering.

This sentence is just too long for my taste and would better serve if it were broken in apart.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

This much setting is too much for a 1500 word short story unless the plot actually involves the fat woman, the fornicating angels or the bar.

Cut what you aren't using.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I like it as it is. Quite a lot, actually.

But if space is at a premium, then I suppose pantros is right.

(I will say, however, that there is a bit too much alliteration in this sentence: "With mild disgust, he watched her parading provocatively around the Pumping Palace Hotel Bar Room like some kind of promiscuous whale.")

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Definitely alliteration overload.

It's just good that the guy's name wasn't Peter.

I don't see anything else wrong with it, though. Just get some of those "P"s out of there and make sure that the fat stripper is important, because she's kind of a turn off to keep reading. That's not a visual I like thinking about. If she doesn't need to be there, there's other ways to make the bar sleazy.

My 2 cents...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I would agree: if the bikini whale is what we're about to be involved with, bring it on; if not, skip her and let's get on to what's really happening.

You might also start with *how* she's involved, that is, action. So far, nothing's happening except mild disgust. Be careful of evoking emotions in your readers you wouldn't want them to have! If they get mildly disgusted, they may stop reading.

And yet I do want to give credit: the writing's good, the situation is quirky, and I would keep reading. Depending on what's about to happen, all my criticisms here may be irrelevant.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

ditto on "drop the fat chick" if you don't need it. You'll find that women readers, in particular, are very sensitive about people who make jokes about women's weight. I mean, the sensitivity button is on high for some of them. You'll alienate a good part of your reading audience right from the get-go, unless this is an integral part of your story.

Sleazy bars can be denoted in many other ways: the stench of stale tobacco, the smell of old alchoholics, and if you wish to portray an old, fat stripper merely as part of the setting, don't dwell on it. Just mention it simply: "The stripper was long past her prime, old and packing too many pounds to be gyrating on stage." Then go on with the rest of your narrative.