Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Misplaced [Short Sci Fi]

This is topic Misplaced [Short Sci Fi] in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001508

Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :

He abrubtly awoke, and bolted upward from the floor. A throbbing pain, echoed on the back of his head. He was still in the classroom, but all of the students were now gone, and he was sure many an hour had passed. Looking around, he saw that nothing had changed, or so he thought.
Suddenly, from the corner of his eye, he saw one the map in his classroom. Other maps were scattered about, but something was different, something was wrong...
He ambled to one of them, and discovered they were not maps of the Earth at all, but a world with no icecaps, and and only five continents as he could tell. being a high school geography teacher, he thought he should know. They were written in another language and discolored. As far as he could

[This message has been edited by zetars (edited November 16, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 17, 2005).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Well lets see:

He woke up...

He looked around...

Get past that and the story can start once we give the protagonist a name.

...or so he thought.
This statment always breaks PoV.

He suddenly saw the maps? Did they flash into existance?

ambled? I'm not sure the connotation is appropriate or necessary.

"many an hour" too archaic for the setting.

Good concept. I think the story needs to start elsewhere.

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Zetars,

I shouldn't be talking directly to you, so I apologize for that first.

When posting the first 13 always include the genre, length and what you are looking for.

Are you looking for a clean up on the first 13 or people to read the whole story.

Also I am noticing that the only place you post is in reply to feedback on your stories. Its a little rude to have all these people offering you advice when you are not doing the same in return.

Its also a little rude to respond to ever bit of feedback someone gives, post one story at a time and wait a day or two to let the feedback gather then ask questions for clarification of the feedback and rework that one story.

When you rewrite a story, don't be intimidated by restarting with the same ideas but rewriting from scratch.

You will learn more from critiquing other people's work than letting them critique yours. Seriously, I'm not kidding or exaggerating.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I know I'm still fairly new around here, but I have to agree. I was happy to provide some feedback on the first few pieces you posted. But when I see that you aren't working on polishing those, but are instead just moving on to post more 'rough' pieces, I begin to wonder why I'm taking the time to give feedback at all.

I also think pantros is absolutely correct about learning from critiquing others' work. I haven't posted any of my own work yet (and only asked one question), but I'm learning a heck of a lot by participating in the discussions and feedback. Give it a try!

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 16, 2005).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

zetars, have you bothered to read and comment on anyone else's 13 lines?

Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :

I actually like where the story starts, but I think it can be handled a little differently.

First explain what wakes him up, maybe something like the sun coming through the window (this would also give a good explaination as to how he knows a few hours have passed)

Also I find his introduction or discovery of the maps and their differences with earthly maps a bit akward. I know that when I wake up, I am a bit disoriented. All the facts aren't perfectly clear in my mind. Just as a suggestion, you might have him cleaning up the maps that were left in dissaray by his students, and only as he is almost done (or setting them in their final place), does he notice the differences.

People tend to make discoveries a bit slower. They expect things to be the same, so it doesn't occur to them to look for that change. However, in your story, He is looking for changes right from the beginning, "Looking around, he saw that nothing had changed..."

BTW with all the maps in the room I don't think that mentioning he is a geography teacher is necessary.

I really like the idea and would be interested in reading more, if you have any more.

edited for errors

[This message has been edited by Jakare (edited November 20, 2005).]