Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 new lines

This is topic 13 new lines - Baby Bird in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

*poof*

[This message has been edited by TL 601 (edited December 15, 2005).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Yes, I would.

I want to know why she's so prone to crying, and how little Colding is going to help her.

Which is probably not what the story is about, but I would keep reading...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

This reminds me of Sam's story about an autistic child. Which is to say, because of that connotation:

* It disturbs me; I don't like it
* It disturbs me, which makes it powerful

So I wouldn't want to read it, but I recognize its power and suspect others will love it.

If I did read it, all I'd care about was Colding's bizarre way of thinking about his mother. Does he love her? Is he just viewing her as he would a movie? If it were about anything else, I'd be disappointed: this will overpower anything else, for me.

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

Thank you for reading this tcherny and wbriggs. Much, much appreciated.

Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :

I do not think that I would keep on reading.

My biggest problem I see is the disjointedness of it all. I know that may have been the effect you were going for, but it seriously threw me off. First was the name of "Colding" because for some reason I thought of it as an adverb and had to read the sentence multiple times to figure out it was his name.

Why is she calling him her "little genius" was it because he handed her his grades, or was it the cause of something else. I think if the story started a little earlier, explaining what caused her to say what she did and start to cry, I would be a bit more inclined to read on. Even if at the time I didn't totally understand what the motives were behind the crying. As it is, however, I find myself in a stupor knowing the Who, but not the How, Where, or Why.

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

Thank you Jakare.

Posted by chadamas (Member # 3016) on :

Actually, all those questions are exactly what would make me want to keep reading. I agree with Jakare in that it seems quite disjointed, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I just can't imagine how you could make this style work for an entire story.

The name "Colding" threw me off as well. Maybe if you gave his full name at the beginning or something, it wouldn't be so confusing.

Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :

This doesn't hook me.

The first 13 need to be interesting, either by describing something unusual, making a shocking statement, painting an intriguing picture, or (must be handled carefully) thrusting the character into a dangerous situation.

Here, you have the ideas with potential to make a good hook, but you don;t follow through. Instead, you thrust me into dialog in what looks like an attempt at an emotional scene, except I have no attachment to any of the characters yet.

The main problem with the dialog, to me, is that you haven't established any point of view. It reads very cinematic, and I'm not sure yet where I should focus my attention.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

This feels better to me. I'd keep reading.

I love the first line: "Colding thought of his mother in parts." That was my hook. And this makes Colding more loveable--he cares about his mom.

Do you need readers for the rewrite yet? Let me know, I'm interested to see what you've done with the character.

Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :

I would definately keep reading. This is intriguing. Reminds me of the scene in Ender's Shadow where Bean gives Sister Carlotta a hug not because he feels emotion, but because he recognizes that she needs it.

I agree on the name. It threw me off as well. It is his real name? Is it a nickname, and if so, how did he earn it?

The first sentence simultaneously hooked me and confused me. It hooked me after the second reading, when I realized what it said. But the first time through, the juxtaposition of words made it read as "Colding thought of his mother's parts," and that sounded dirty.

quote:
Her legs blocking his view of the television.

I don't get that sentence at all. I'm trying to picture how her legs could blog his view, and I can't. Also, this image does not flow nearly as well as all the other images in that paragraph.

I don't like "cartoon eyes" because it pulls me out of the story while my brain has to go look up some cartoon eyes in its memory banks, decide how big they are, and then make a comparison. The image bumped me out of the moment.

I agree on "my little genius." It needs to be qualified. At least say she's talking about him. Or have the last image in the preceding paragraph be the one about the grades, so that there is a logical connection.

All in all, I want to read more. I want to know what's up with this kid!

Posted by Leaf II (Member # 2924) on :

I have to agree. The first line is gold. Good job, I really like it. AND... I really like the name. So good job there too. I don't really care for the way the first 13 are.. because it's so choppy and unstory-ish.. but I also hate judging by the first 13 in particular.. so let's just say I would keep reading until at least the real story, like... regular writing began. Then I would judge it I suppose. The only thing I didn't like.... and I guess it's just me because no one else mentioned it... and it REALLY IS a very nit picky thing... but in general, I hate any sentence like this:

her watery blue eyes were bigger than cartoon eyes.

You said eyes twice. That is very jarring to read, to me... there's gotta be a better way to say that. I like the metaphor... or whatever it is... it's good.

-leaf

[This message has been edited by Leaf II (edited November 21, 2005).]

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

-First sentence was a good hook.
-I could picture her legs blocking the TV just fine. I can even relate.

-"My little genius." is fine. I understood it as something she says to him often when he does something smart or brings home a good grade.
-I pictured Bugs Bunny's over-exaggerated alligator tears, eyes like dinner plates, when i read the third paragraph. It worked well. (Saying eyes twice didn't bother me, because we're in Colding's POV and a kid would talk like that.) I guess the reader's imagery depends largely on personal experience. I say leave it, but if you get too many objections, maybe I'm in the minority.
-I understand why she cries all the time. I see the mother as centering her life around Colding. Colding doesn't seem to have the same emotional tether to his mother, but at least he makes an attempt to help her.

I'd keep reading. Can't really take on crits right now though.

[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited November 21, 2005).]