The end of the universe came in the form of a letter. Well, perhaps I should say the potential end of the universe, because I intended to do my best to keep the end from happening. Please try to understand, when somebody pours heart and soul into something the way I've poured mine into this universe, it's expected that I get emotional when it's threatened. I had a lot invested: time, energy, devotion, and even caring and pride.
Not everyone had the patience to create and observe a universe through full cycle, Big Bang to Big Crunch, and I'd already proven myself twice. For the budget office to decide at the last minute not to renew funding for the coming quarter on account of the war, especially this senseless, destructive, and stupid war with no objective – well, it really steamed my gourd. This universe was still...
This is an interesting idea for a story. I must say I'm hooked.
However, some small things:
"when somebody pours heart and soul into something the way I've poured mine into this universe, it's expected that I get emotional when it's threatened."
This is a parallelism problem. Also, I'm wondering, Who's heart? Who's soul? Also, the preposition, "into this universe" feels too tagged on. Bring it up later. Perhaps it could read,
"When somebody pours their heart and soul into something the way I have, you expect him to get emotional when it's threatened."
Also, you have another parallelism problem: "...devotion, and even caring and pride." "Caring" should be care. I, personally, wouldn't include the "and even" either.
One last little thing: "For the budget office to decide at the last minute not to renew funding for the coming quarter on account of the war, especially this senseless, destructive, and stupid war with no objective – well, it really steamed my gourd."
The fact that the war is stupid, destructive, and pointless doesn't exactly convey why the budget office should continue funding the protagonist's universe. You basically blew a hole through your protagonist's argument.
Some bigger things:
You start by saying the universe has ending. Then next sentence basically says, "well, not really." That's very manipulative, and your reader might not like it. I'd lose the second sentence entirely, plus the "please try to understand."
Why not depict the conversation with the budget office? Sounds like it would be a blast. You seem to go over some very interesting points way to fast.
The idea, however, is gold. Reminds me of Douglas Adams.
[This message has been edited by headolence (edited November 12, 2005).]
And I liked it fairly well already---although you will need to get to some in-the-moment action pronto.
As for headolence's first sentence, that isn't where this goes.
You have a nice style going here. Looks like a fun read. Warning: my family is celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend instead of next, so it may slow down my response time. Some turkeys are closer than they appear.
MG
It brings up a few questions like: who is God's God and what is so special about this particular stupid pointless war? As long as you answer that it's all good.