frustrate you out of your story. Writing is all about rewriting. And rewriting. And rewriting.
Anstor was looking over some files that had been sent to him previously. He read them, vigilantly, making sure that there were no mistakes. He was actually flabbergasted at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents. The new cast system of the CIA was very much unneeded. But then, he thought, perhaps they chose him, because he held no bias about the topics the documents pertained too. He though about the documents for a moment, thinking if the Terrorist threat really posed a threat.
He sat in his chair, on the 5th level of the Amniplex Building, working to finish a job, that he given almost no time to do. It was midnight, and he was the only one there.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 30, 2005).]
Good to see you're still working on this.
Unfortunately, at present your writing comes across as stiff and clunky. I think you need to put in a lot of work in order to improve your grasp of written English.
What I suggest is that you write a lot and read a lot. Practice and exposure to writing will help you formulate sentences that flow and give up their meaning easily.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
I did notice the title of your thread, but you should note that the rules are that only 13 lines should be posted, regardless of the length of the story.
Such as: More descriptive, less descriptive, longer sentences, shorter sentences.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
quote:
Anstor was looking over some files that had been sent to him previously. He read them, vigilantly, making sure that there were no mistakes. He was actually flabbergasted at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents.
Read the first three sentences out loud, and you'll hear no tension, no urgency. They have too much of a 'once upon a time' feel. Try for something more direct. For instance:
Anstor poured over the CIA files, searching for mistakes.
Don't let your frustrate you out of your story. Writing is all about rewriting. And rewriting. And rewriting.
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited October 30, 2005).]
I don't have any specific suggestions to help with this particular story--my comments were intended to point you in the direction of improving your writing in general. I could tell you how to fix everything that's wrong with these 13 lines, but what about the next 13? Or the 13 after that? I think you will learn a lot more about writing by extensive reading, critiquing and writing than by having me rewrite your opening.
(Currently 3,720 words)
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
'common sense isn't so common'
quote:
Anstor was looking over some files that had been sent to him previously.
If they had been sent to him, key word being had, then yes, they were sent to him previously. This is superfluous information. Cut the last word and rework this sentence so that people actually care what the file pertain to, like saying so up front.
quote:
He read them, vigilantly, making sure that there were no mistakes.
No comma necessary between them and vigilantly or vigilantly and making.
quote:
He was actually flabbergasted at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents.
The word choice is bad. Flabbergasted sticks out. And judging by this sentence it tells me you probably know little about the CIA or its protocol. What exactly is a mid-level officer? Are there officer's in the CIA or agents? What is mid-level?
quote:
The new cast system of the CIA was very much unneeded.
I don't know what thas means, but if you're implying there shouldn't be any ranks within the CIA you better explain why because that's a very ignorant statement.
quote:
But then, he thought, perhaps they chose him, because he held no bias about the topics the documents pertained too. He though about the documents for a moment, thinking if the Terrorist threat really posed a threat.
You're being so vague in the beginning that it's off putting. Either tell us what the files are about or not. Don't dangle them out there like he knows and doesn't feel like saying so. And terrorist threat really posing a threat? That's sloppy.
quote:
He sat in his chair, on the 5th level of the Amniplex Building, working to finish a job, that he given almost no time to do.
Does this mean he doesn't care enough about the assignment to put time into it, or his employers didn't give him time?
quote:
It was midnight, and he was the only one there. This gave him quiet, which by this point in time, he needed very badly. He veered his head to right, looking out the window, to see that it was raining. Being alone in the building sort of frightened him, but he eventually ignored this impractical fear.
He wouldn't be alone in a CIA building ever. There are always night shift guards. And you explain too much.
quote:
I shouldn’t be afraid anymore, it was 30 years ago. 30 years previously, when Anstor was but a 30 year old new staff, a mass murder had commenced in the Amniplex building. Anstor was shot twice, three of his friends being killed. The killings had since become known as the Amniplex Massacre, as 58 people had been killed. 21 years afterwards, in 2065, National Amniplex Remembrance Day (N.A.R. Day) had been created, to commemorate those who died. His office had not seen tumult in days and for this Anstor was glad.
That whole paragraph is just a mess of needless exposition and should be cut.
Basically, it's not often I can fine something that bugs me in a piece on a sentence by sentence basis. That's a clue as to how much work this piece actually needs.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited October 30, 2005).]
Well, that's a lot of stuff, and for most of it, I agree with.
Well, I know nothing about the CIA...nothing...absolutely nothing, but you are 100% right, and that will definitely have to be changed.
Next, I am currently re-re-writing. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
Anstor was poring over CIA files that had been sent to him. He read them vigilantly making sure that there were no mistakes, grammar and spelling alike. He was actually thunderstruck at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents, and he couldn’t help but think at this moment the new cast system of the CIA was very much unneeded.
But, since the Terrorist Attack in 2043 it was understandable that they would change the entire set of the ranks of the CIA. 2 Million Dead, he could agree, but only to a certain point. Instead, they changed everything. Took three years to remodel, but he STILL hated it.
But then, he thought, perhaps they chose him, because he held no bias about the topics the documents pertained too. He thought about the documents for a moment, thinking if the Terrorists really posed a threat. How could they?
He sat in his chair, on the 5th level of the Amniplex Building, working to finish a job, that he had been given almost no time to do. Should have given me more time, I need more time. It was midnight, and he was the only one there, save the guards. This gave him quiet, which by this point in time he needed very badly. He veered his head to the right, looking out the window, to see that it was raining. Being alone in the building sort of frightened him, but he eventually ignored this impractical fear. I shouldn’t be afraid anymore, it was 30 years ago. Thirty years ago a horrible massacre ha ensued at the Amniplex building.
Rather harsh language for somebody who'se taken time out of her day to look over your work. What if she had just called your paragraph crap and left it at that?
I know you mean well, but your etiquette needs work.
As does your writing.
"Anstor was poring over CIA files that had been sent to him."
Don't use passive forms like "was poring" when the more active form "pored" works better.
" grammar and spelling alike."
He's editing files, supposedly given to him in an emergency situation, for grammar! It may be crucial to us writers, but somehow I think Anstor should have more important things on his mind.
"He was actually thunderstruck at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents, and he couldn’t help but think at this moment the new cast system of the CIA was very much unneeded."
Still no good. It conveys surprise, but nothing more. I get later in the sentence that he's appalled (now THERE's an active verb) at the CIA's break from the usual hierarchy. Saying "was very much unneeded" is a very dull way to say what should be a powerful reaction from Anstor. Why not put us in his thoughts?
Here's a more active way. Have HIM chew out the CIA, maybe scatter the papers in disgust, then, realizing he didn't have much time left and that the gov't really DOES need him, he gathers them up again. While his back is exposed picking up the documents, he could feel the paranoia about being in the Amniplex Building building late at night.
Do you see the difference? No info dumps, and we're closer to the character, instead of just being told how he feels, we can see and hear him feeling it.
I'd continue, but I wouldn't want to be accused of being full of any excrements.
quote:
Anstor was poring over CIA files that had been sent to him. He read them vigilantly making sure that there were no mistakes, grammar and spelling alike.
Good writing is about being concise where you can be, and using your alloted word count to add description that matters most. You can shorten the first two sentences by simply saying:
"Anstor was poring over CIA files that had been sent to him for proofreading."
Proofreading often means checking it over for not only spelling and grammar, but often for errors of fact.
quote:
He was actually thunderstruck at the idea that the heads of the CIA would choose him, a mid-level officer to scan such top secret documents, and he couldn’t help but think at this moment the new cast system of the CIA was very much unneeded.
I think that sentence is very much unneeded, too. You may have meant "caste" system? If so, the term isn't really appropriate here, as it has religious and socialogical/cultural strata implications. I suspect you meant "rank" instead of "cast/caste."
You would benefit from doing some research on the CIA, ( http://www.cia.gov/ ) but don't let it derail you from writing what you imagine right now. You can always go back and edit this segment to make your details more accurate.
Don't let all the crits discourage you. Go with the vivid ideas you have, and bolster your knowledge as you go along. You have a way to go between where you are and where you seek to be. The great thing is you'll get better with each word you write. Your idea has merit. Keep working on it. And keep researching.
Actually, I feel RAELLY dumb. Caste, how could I mess that up, I watched Gandhi. Thanks for the ideas, I have lots of editing to do. I WILL CONINUE!!!
[spelling and grammer mistakes jokes]
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
“AHHH!!!” Anstor screamed, throwing the papers about. “I have had enough of this! This is truly enough!” After proofreading for what seemed an entire day, Anstor had finally had it. The files seemed to be hanging in the air for a few moments until their slow descent to the ground approached its end. They fell to ground, and Anstor heatedly, looked at the files, anger burning inside of him. I am too important for this, how could they use me for this?
He looked back at them, and realized they needed him. None else could do this work that Anstor had been entrusted to do. He was a midlevel worker, recently reappointed due to the new classification of the CIA. This event was viewed horrifically among those who worked for the CIA.
What was wrong with these idiots, why would they change the Hierarchy, it was fine as was.
But, since the Terrorist Attack in 2043 it was understandable that they would change the entire set of the ranks of the CIA. 2 Million Dead, he could agree, but only to a certain point.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited November 01, 2005).]
I know this board is divided on how to critique, whether to simply say what's wrong, leaving it to the writer to figure out what you mean (which can be a problem), as opposed to giving suggestions for fixes. I'm a bit of both gal. In my own WIP, I've used a line one critiquer suggested. I've also ignored a lot others. If a picture is worth a thousand words, an example may be as well.
Pssst. Zetars. You're not supposed to tell a critiquer he's full of crap. We like to see good manners here. I know your writing is taking some arrows here, but it'll be the better for it if you deal with the comments properly. Not all will fit your vision for your story. As someone once said, "Some will. Some won't. So what." But all comments are actually useful, since even the negative ones cement in your mind where you want to go with your work by showing where you don't want to go.
And, after all this, I'm curious where you are going with this story. If you promise you can brave a full critique, feel free to send the whole 3720 words. I'll give it a shot.
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by zetars (edited October 30, 2005).]
The key word in all I just said is this: respect.