Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "The Magic Basketball"

This is topic "The Magic Basketball" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :

Oh why not.

Here's another one of more recent extraction. 1853 words this time exploring the effects basketball tends to have on inner city youth.

Let me know if you wanna peek.

Here's the first 13:

The basketball shone. It was round, like any other, orange like any other, but even in the scuffed Nike gray of the afternoon sky, the ball seemed to glow.

The boys on the court had watched the ball's owner get out of a black SUV, had watched him reach back in for the ball, almost as an afterthought, had watched him begin to dribble, but had seen nothing else afterward.

It wasn't painted. There was nothing fake-looking about it whatsoever. It looked like a piece of orange candy or colored chrome...

Posted by Smaug (Member # 2807) on :

The basketball shone. It was round, like any other, orange like any other, but even in the scuffed Nike gray of the afternoon sky, the ball seemed to glow.@@@I like the description of the afternoon sky--and the ball seems to have some kind of magic to it.@@@

The boys on the court had watched the ball's owner get out of a black SUV, had watched him reach back in for the ball, almost as an afterthought, had watched him begin to dribble, but had seen nothing else afterward.
@@@I wonder what this means. Did he vanish? Did the boys die? What does it mean that the boys "had seen nothing else afterward"?@@@

It wasn't painted. There was nothing fake-looking about it whatsoever. It looked like a piece of orange candy or colored chrome @@@What do you mean by "orange candy"? There are many kinds of orange candy in varying shades. Consider being more specific. Colored chrome is nice as chrome is shiny. That gives me the idea of what you're trying to say. I wonder why it's not fake looking if it has all these weird characteristics. Anyway, I think this story has a lot of potential. Good luck with it!@@@

Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :

I'm not a fan of basketball, just to let you know. It didn't capture me. You tried to get the readers interest, and with most you probably would succeed at it. Too many charactisations for the inanimate objects in my opinion, its your story so write it your way.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Well, you know about POV, I think, so I won't mention it.

But, the opening doesn't work as it is.