Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Working Title: The Green People

This is topic Working Title: The Green People in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

I'm working on a short/novella length story. I'm writing it in sub-parts and my inner critiquer is wondering if some of them are written in too different a voice. Also, I'm worried about the realism of the first scene, and if it sets the correct tone of the piece.

I'd like someone(s) to take a look at two subparts of the story (for comparison) and let me know what they think.

Here are the first 13. (Comments on just these lines also appreciated.) Thanks!

When he was seven, Brian had told him that whenever you stare at somebody they’d notice after a while and look at you. Look right to you, like they knew where the look was coming from. Derek had thought this was silly, but in the interest of experiment, had spent the summer staring at people and seeing if they noticed. While his results were inconclusive at the time, he was now coming to believe there was something to that business after all. It wasn’t that people could feel your stare like a burn, as Brian had said they could, it was that somewhere in your brain you were sending a message to their brain. Hi, it said. Look to your left. Here I am. Or something to that effect.

Derek began experimenting with this power in sixth grade, the

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 26, 2005).]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Speaking of pronouns and antecedents....
(See "One for the Grammaticasters" thread.

)

quote:
When he was seven, Brian had told him

This could be read several ways, as we're not sure if the 'he' is Brian or someone else. To avoid confusion, especially in the beginning, name the pronoun. Better: When Derek was seven, Brian had told him....

First sentence second paragraph is the hook here. You might consider switching these two paragraphs.

"That’s how they worked" isn't needed.

How long are your subparts? Is this fantasy?

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

Ack! Thanks for the grammar correction Kolona!

I guess I should give some background. The story is science fiction. Derek is the last of his species, which, according to interglobal law, means he has inherited all the shares everyone on his home world controlled at its unexpected end. He's basically become the single wealthiest and most powerful being in the universe. He was sent to earth as a baby (because of the physical similarities between humans and his species) to hide out from stockholders from other planets who have a lot to gain from his death. There's the premise in a nutshell.

As you may have noticed, the title has a double meaning.

Kathleen~ Are you sure I posted more than 13 lines? It was exactly 13 according to Word...

[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited October 26, 2005).]

Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :

I liked it. I'd read more.

Here's an interesting note that may or may not be beside the point. In the eleven hundreds, two green children were found in England. They spoke no known language. Eventually they lost their green hue and lived normal lives. I found an article on it here

http://anomalyinfo.com/articles/sa00022b.shtml

I'm wondering if it has anything to do with your story? If it does, it might make for an interesting angle.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

Thanks, Gnomeinclaychair, I sent it!

That's a very strange story. Definitely good writing fodder, but it doesn't really have much to do with my story. The tidbit about the beans is so strange! I'm inclined to go with the interpretation that they were malnourished and got lost in the flint mines. Suddenly coming out in daylight from a cave can make the world seem bright and warm. Still, very strange.

Oh, and for those interested, the total wordcount of both parts of my story is 3790.

Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :

I noticed that you seemed to take a major interest in the fact that Dereck can make people look at him. that ability seriously kind of creeps me out... oh, well, an idea I had was, that, accourding to you, He is actually a rich and powerful emporer, and people are out to get him. maybe, like in Enders Shadow, the person who wants him dead, like Bean, could also be His protector, Like Achilles. just an Idea, but sometimes the best Ideas are given through unexpected sources.

-noticed the editing thing with my story, too. I guess we shouldent complain, 'cause it's not our standard....

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

I'd be willing to read, apeiron.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

Thanks Kolona! I sent it your way.

Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :

Sorry it took so long to reply to this, but I am going back on old posts as I am a new member.

I was just looking over your 13 lines and thought it would be more interesting to have Derek make someone look at him instead of just saying that the results were inconclusive. Show him making it happen or at least trying to make it happen right there in the scene.

I would be interested in reading and providing a critique, if you are still looking for readers.