Any feedback or comments on this opening are welcome. The whole piece is only about 950 Words. ______________________________
The black lights are casting this chill glow on the crowd. The strobes are pulsing. The speakers are bathing the club in base-heavy tribal electronica, all drums and fractal bleeps. In the middle of the dance floor, classic beauty in a black skirt sucks in male euphoria like a sponge. I sit at the bar, observing, half finished Long Island Ice tea in hand; my third tonight. No buzz, but it’s early yet.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
It's an intriguing title, and the setting of mood at the beginning is pretty effective (I'd go with bass-heavy, not base-heavy, but maybe that's a UK/American English difference that I'm not familiar with).
However, there's no real hint (other than from the title) of where the story is going to go. Given the length and title, I'd probably read on, at least a little more.
Are you looking for critiques of the whole thing?
Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :
Not bad. I got the feel of the club right away. I can't see 'classic beauty' though. If this is a hypocritical scumbag you've got a perfect opportunity to describe this woman and show how your character feels about women at the same time.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm uninterested. The dense writing is pleasant, but not enough to hook me. Maybe it's just me.
Posted by Dan James O'Sullivan (Member # 2376) on :
Thanks everyone for all your opinions.
I had another question that I forgot to ask in the initial post. The piece if written in present tense. Is that generally considered a no no? It's just something I wrote a couple years ago in college between classes. I'd like to knock it into the best shape possible; just because.
tchernabyelo, I'd be happy to send you the whole thing; and would appreciate any feedback you'd be willing to give.
wbriggs, can you please explain what you meant by dense writting?
[This message has been edited by Dan James O'Sullivan (edited October 19, 2005).]
Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :
Present tense is fine. I actually perfer it, and use it more compared to other tenses; but that's just my bias.
Generally speaking, any tense done well is the right tense.
Your story reminded me a lot of "Bright Lights, Big City," by McIerney. Look it up on amazon and read a few sample pages. You might like it.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
I like present-tense also, but the *general* consensus is don't use it.
But I don't think you should be as much worried about the general consensus, as about how to tell the story *you* want to tell.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
A lot of people really dislike present tense. Past tense is pretty invisible; no one will object if you use it. But you do risk objections if you use present. If it is not done very well, it tends to have an "ooh, look at me, I'm so arty" feel to it and gets in the way.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
Present tense has to be done well if you do it. Maybe you naturally have the present tense narrative voice, most people don't. I would suspect that writing in present tense it is especially important to avoid passive voice.
But generally I agree with the statement that any tense is fine if its done well.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If this story has no major action aside from the narrator sitting at the bar and observing things, present tense is fine. The more action, the harder it gets, and if you have major scene changes and stuff it really becomes a liability.
It didn't pull me, but just because I found the subject matter unspeakably dull and dreary. That might work well as a sort of malaise ennui setting for some people, but I simply didn't like it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Dense writing: it takes some effort to interpret.
Dense: classic beauty in a black skirt sucks in male euphoria like a sponge.
Not dense: I saw a beautiful woman in a black skirt; she drew my eyes.
(I may have interpreted it wrong, which is one of the challenges of this kind of writing.)
Posted by Dan James O'Sullivan (Member # 2376) on :
No, I think I understand what you mean.
Thanks again folks.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Pass it along; I'll try and get round to it within the next week (if I promise anything shorter, I may disappoint you, so I like to give myself a bit of leeway).
