I'd actually rather post a different 13, but starting at the beginning is always a good idea. The whole thing is just about 2 pages, please let me know if you'd like the whole thing, and thanks in advance for any comments :)
Hank Ferman went to step forward but couldn't. Odd, he thought. He had always been so good at moving forward. Oh well, he decided, it was probably for the best. Though if he had the choice he would've picked a better place to stop moving, like maybe some place with pizza, or even hot wings. He checked his pockets for hot-wings but there weren't any. He decided right then that he should definitely always carry around extra hot-wings, just in case. “Get off my property you nutball, or I'll call la policia.”. It was a familiar voice, definitely not his own. Ah yes, it was Carol. She could talk. He went to turn to the voice and remembered his condition. “I cant move Carol, I think I'm parallelized or something, could you bring me some chips?”
Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :
I like it. Ferman's obviously impaired. My concern is that you know enough about the impairment to write about it responsibly, but my guess is that you do. Looks like that might be the crux of the plot.
The word "condition" threw me for a minute. I thought you were going to start talking about WHY he couldn't move instead of simply reminding us he couldn't. Maybe that's just me.
I'd like to take a look at the full version, if you'll have me.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
The reason for the first 13 is that without a good first 13 the rest won't ever be read.
I think your story has promise. I am thrown by the hotwings in the pocket, but I assume this is meant to show the MC's insanity. So far, it has a good start at showing the insight into what goes on inside the mind of the insane.
The mixed language seems odd but not enough to turn me off to the story.
For me to want to read more, though, I would need a little more sense of setting. The imperssion I get so far is too 'could be here and now' But that's just my preference in reading material.
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 18, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It seems that Hank has been suddenly paralyzed for reasons he does not fully understand.
If that is the case, I am not seeing an appropriate reaction to such a circumstance.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
I'm wondering if "parallelized" is something a little different from paralyzed.
Hank almost seems to have been expecting this.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I didn't read it as being a sensitive story about an impaired person; I read it as an attempt at absurdism.
Posted by Canawler (Member # 2917) on :
I'm intrigued and like the voice of the story. I wouldn't mind seeing the entire story. Go ahead and send me a version at jimrada@yahoo.com.
Posted by deckof50 (Member # 2476) on :
sorry, parallelized is a typo, I meant paralyzed.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
quote:sorry, parallelized is a typo, I meant paralyzed.
Oh. Okay. I guess I was kind of hoping it was some kind of science fictional or magical thing that had happened to him.
Posted by deckof50 (Member # 2476) on :
This is a second revision of the first paragraph in an attempt to make it "lighter". I guess I might've failed. I'm trying to make the reader curious, but not overly concerned due to the whimsical nature of the MC's ponderings. The peice ends up being somewhat "fun", so I don't want to lead the reader into too much concern and then have them pull a 180, but from the looks of the feedback I might've missed the target.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
well, I didn't feel lead into concern at all.
Posted by Dan James O'Sullivan (Member # 2376) on :
I thought it was great. It made me want to keep reading, and I'd say that's certainly the most important thing.
I got a very light vibe from the opening. So great job setting the mood you wanted. It really makes you look closer and think "Okay, what's this all about?"
I only really see two things that I think could use improving.
"Odd, he thought. He had always been so good at moving forward. Oh well, he decided, it was probably for the best."
These sentances seem just a tad redudant to me when paired together like that. I think if you took out "he decided" it might work a little better.
"He decided right then that he should definitely always carry around extra hot-wings, just in case."
Unless hot-wings have some significance in the story as a whole... I personally don't feel this sentance is necessary. I think the opening might be a little slicker without it.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I found the opening intriguing, and I'd definitely keep the "hot wings" line, because it serves as a good indication of how fractured Hank's mental processes are.
And, actually, I'd be tempted to keep "parallelized", too. From what I've seen of Hank so far, it seems entirely plausible that he'd have a word problem like that.
I'd definitely read on. Send the whole thing over and I'll try and do a critique.
[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited October 19, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I know you gotta please your fans, but . . . I thought "parallelized" was a malapropism from a not-too-brite guy, and was funny.
Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :
Whenever I read something off the wall like this, I think of Ray Bradbury. Most people don't know his short stories beyond stuff like "The Martian Chronicles".. but he's got some pretty crazy stuff that I've always found fascinating.
Your story isn't like his, your voice is different. But the off the wall quality doesn't phase me, just makes me think of stuff likened to Bradbury, as I said. Which certainly isn't a bad angle to take. I think very strange attitudes or ways of writing can be especially interesting in short stories. Some of the best ones are those that simply make us think.
If you're still looking for readers, I'd love to see the rest.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I thought that "parallelized" was the character trying to be funny. Which could work, if you hadn't already lost my belief/interest in his plight.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Just discovered you'd sent this - for some reason my email account seems not to have been flagging up new mail properly.
Will crit it and get back to you shortly.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
I'd like to read it. I don't think Hank's non-chalance is out of place. It sets the mood well.
