This is a short fantasy story (1,400 words). I'd appreciate comments on the opening, but also anyone willing to critique the whole thing.
'Helen'.
At first I just accepted it, as all children accept the story of how they came to be.
But as I grew - eleven, twelve - I began to think, what had it been like for her? For my mother?
Terrifying, I thought at first. Alone, then the rush of wings, the hard pinch of the beak, the huge webbed feet. Then afterwards, discarded on the lake-shore, putting her clothes back together with hands that shook. And returning to the palace to tell her story.
But now, I wonder. All my life, those times when she's unfocused, absent - when her hands fall still in the middle of a task and if I speak to her she does not hear. Is she remembering? Or is she listening?Listening for the sound of the great wings coming back?
[This message has been edited by squimi (edited October 10, 2005).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'll read.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I'd love to read the whole thing. I'm interested in Greek mythology, so I was intrigued by this opening and wanted to keep reading.
Posted by squimi (Member # 2810) on :
Thanks! Emails coming... squimi x
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It's a very compelling opening, everything draws me in.
I'll nit the pronoun reference in the first line, because it does throw me off a bit. Same with "eleven, twelve" the terse delivery is good, but it didn't cover the break for me.
But definitely an opening that makes me want to read on. I'll even crit for it
Posted by squimi (Member # 2810) on :
Great, thank you! Expect an email any minute now. squimi x
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Yes, I liked that opening. Taking myth as reality, and exploring character's reactions to such events, can be done very interestingly.
Given the length, I'll read; should be able to get a crit back to you by the weekend.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
This is a very good opening, and I'm a sucker for anything dealing with Greek mythology. I'll crit if you need more readers. Email's in the profile.
Posted by squimi (Member # 2810) on :
