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quote:Robby's CD alarm clock was set for midnight and as the hour arrived his bedroom filled with Gregorian chants. He'd been at his desk drawing maps, but the music was a signal. He laid down his pencil, leaned over and turned off the lamp.
Alone in a dingy flat, in a run-down neighborhood where he didn't know a soul, he sat in the dark and stared out the window at the rain. By 12:24 he'd grown tired of the monks and pressed the shuffle button. Panpipes, more monks, Gypsy folk music or sitars. He wasn’t in the mood for any of them.
Thunder rumbled – he looked out into the street again. His mum wasn't home yet. Where is she?
He turned off the music and waited.
Thanks people
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 10, 2005).]
And mentioning the fact that he didn't know anyone in the neighborhood is a turn off, as it comes across as self-pitying. If it's relevant, fine, but tell us later. At this stage you want to grab our interest, and readers aren't going to feel sorry for someone who comes across as feeling sorry for themselves.
Unless the music serves a purpose ditch it. Remember, this is your hook so don't bore the reader by describing a character idly listening to music!
All too often people leave their hook until the 13th line. In your case the part concerning his mother. Up until then I wasn't the least bit interested in this opening. Make this line your 1st line and start the story from there.
As to where this is going I haven't the slightest idea and, if I was an editor, I doubt very much that I would be interested enough to turn the page in order to find out. The mother being late wasn't enough of a hook for me.
IMPORTANT NOTE: others, posting their replies, will no doubt give you a list saying that you didn't tell them this, this, this and that. I often read these comments and think, "What?! You want the writer to squeeze all that information in in 13 lines?! A lot of the time it has taken these members more than 13 lines just to list all these items. How on earth do they expect the writer to translate such a list into narrative prose?!! In 13 lines?!!!
No, an opening, a hook, is precisely that. You don't have to tell us everything, but at the same time you have to drop just the right number of tantalizing hints as to where the story might be going so as to catture the reader's interest. The reader doesn't, in those 13 lines, have to think, "Right, I know exactly where I'm going" but you do want them to say to themselves, "Okay, I'm not exactly sure where this is leading, but I'm intrigued enough to want to turn the page and find out."
[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited October 10, 2005).]
Since it's after midnight, unless she works late or had a hot date, he's probably very worried -- so it should go at the beginning. If he's only mildly worried, maybe it's ok where it is.
I was just wondering whether it is possible/desirable to hook someone gently rather than slap them in the face with something. More like tickling trout than gaffing tuna.
Anyone else think he seems like a self-pitying/unattractive character?
Does this order work better:
quote:
Robby sat at his desk drawing maps. The CD alarm clock was set for midnight and as the hour arrived his bedroom filled with Gregorian chants. It was a signal. He laid down his pencil, leaned over and turned off the lamp.Alone in a dingy flat, in a run-down neighborhood where he didn't know a soul, he sat in the dark and stared out the window at the rain.
By 12:24 he'd grown tired of the monks and pressed the shuffle button. Panpipes, more monks, Gypsy folk music or sitars. He wasn’t in the mood for any of them.
Thunder rumbled – he looked out into the street again. His mum wasn't home yet. Where is she?
He turned off the music and waited.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 10, 2005).]
I think it'd work better for me if it read "when the hour arrived" rather than "as". For me, "as" suggests the music starts before midnight arrives. I also didn't like "it was a signal". I think that would come across without that line. "the dingy flat" rather than "a". Picky sqrl .
Buffy, I made those suggested changes and it works much better. Thanks.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 10, 2005).]
In a literary rather than literal manner, of course.
I'm thinking that his mother is a magic user of some kind (probably traditional pagan, i.e. a witch) and he is going to assist her with some kind of spell, but she's late coming home with certain necessary items (including herself). He doesn't know anyone there because they moved there very recently, for the express purpose of casting this spell or making it possible to follow up on the results of the spell.
I could be totally wrong, but that's what I was thinking from your opening so far. However, only because I have a high degree of confidence that you're actually going somewhere with this.
I get the impression that something bad had happened to his mother. It also feels like they haven't lived in their current location for very long. Where is the story going? It feels like he's going to have to do something alone, without his mother. Perhaps find a treasure of some sort? Argh, matey, who knows!?
Though, I am curious about the maps. Perhaps you could give us a tad more about them?
Ronnie
Are you asking me those questions or are you saying there should me more information in those lines?
I can certainly do either, but the explanation of the maps and the waiting come within the first couple of pages. Do you think it should be straight-up?
You don't have to give much information. Acknowledge that these things actually engage the POV character's attention, that's enough. For the maps, mention what kind of maps they are or what they depict. For his mom, even mentioning that she was supposed to be home by midnight for a specific purpose makes the passage more sensible and urgent. I can understand if you don't want to explicitly say what that purpose is.
But knowing that much makes his waiting more interesting and keeps him from seeming absorbed in simple self-pity, at least.