I could be crazy.
'Sheltered her somewhat' feels awkward to me. That may just be a personal preference, I'm not certain. 'Shetered her a little', or even just 'somewhat sheltered' feel better.
'Mouthful and noseful' is also awkward. Repetitive. 'a mouth and noseful of' or simply 'every breath she took brought scorching sand into her mouth and nose' might flow better.
I like your descriptions. Especially the hot, raspy tongue of the storm licking her. Nice in keeping with the description. The opening keeps me interested.
I would change the word "somewhat" to anything else. It just has an uneducated, amaturish feeling. I would also move the new adverb to before the word sheltering.
"Somewhat" is a weakening word and should be avoided.
Kathleen, I don't know how I messed up on the lines, again. Sorry, I'll get the hang of it one of these days. *_*
quote:
Time seemed to stand still while the hot, raspy tongue of the intense storm licked her body, ripping her clothes into tatters.
was a little bit oversaturated with adjectives. You have "hot," "raspy," and "intense" right next to one another, which, in my opinion, lessens its effectiveness. Also, I think saying "the intense storm" is redundant. You said in the first sentence that it was a "raging desert storm," so the reader already knows how "intense" it is and doesn't need to be told again.
I'll cut out the "intense". Good thing I only have about 46,000 words written of this.
Other than the other issues already brought to light, I found the first sentence contradictory. You can not lay "motionless" and yet "strain" to hold onto something. The act of physically straining conotes muscle movement, even if that movement is only flexing. I would think about changing the opening verbs to more acurately depict the protags action.
Survivor, I'm looking for someone willing to read the chapter and critique the entire thing. I though we were all here for that reason.
She's not entirely motionless; human beings never are, not in coma, not when we sleep, not ever, as long as we live and breathe. Nevertheless, she's motionless, for she's holding on for dear life.
No, Tillah is not buried in sand, but the wind is blowing the sand. Her hold is precarious; it's a fierce desert storm that is blowing sand all over, moving the sand and ripping her clothes.
I'm asking if anyone would want to read the first chapter.
quote:
Nevertheless, she's motionless, for she's holding on for dear life.
That might be true logically, when you sit back and think about it for awhile. But, when being read for the first time, the image conveyed is that of someone laying back contemplating life. At least that is what I first thought when I read "Tillah lay motionless." When I got to the part where you said she is straining, I thought, "What a minute!" and had to go back to reread the sentence in order to make sense of what was said.
It might be true that someone who is straining is motionless, but it just doesn't fit in with the mental image that you want the reader to form. Saying something like "Tillah was as stiff as a plank," would probably be better.
[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited October 07, 2005).]