The Covert Files, Book I: Nanowar
Prologue
September 2122
Lieutenant Torvil stifled a yawn as he swept his eyes over the rows of screens. The bridge was quiet, only the low humming of the Titania's engine accompanied the slight snoring of Meyer. Everyone slept on Moon patrol, even now, despite the vague rumors circulating among the Belters and Space Force crews about alien spacecrafts sighted around the Solar system.
The Moonies frowned on illegal activities and never participated in smuggling, nor did they traffic in stolen goods, so it was a waste of time patrolling the colony. But Earth Government was hoping to find something to implicate the Moonies in shady dealings, which would give them an edge in the losing battle to hold onto the colony.
Somehow, I messed up the original formatting.
[This message has been edited by Alnilam (edited October 05, 2005).]
For a novel this length, you have more than enough time to bring us into this with more tact and subtlety.
I couldn't care less about some obscure sounding titles (i.e. Belters, Space Force crews, Moonies; all in the same paragraph, mind you) and the reason I don't care about these things is because I have no reason to.
Give us a reason to care instead of just telling us we should.
Why not start the book with one of these "Shady deals" that the moonies are doing. Don't just tell us the Earth Government is seeking the them out for it, that just does nothing for suspense.
And that's another thing, there is no suspense here.
There is no pov here. Who's telling this story? Luitenant Torvil? If so, why would he be going over all this needless exposition in his mind? Doesn't he know all this stuff already?
What we need in the first paragraph of a novel is a sense of character and place, not background information.
And while we're on the subject of exposition, there was so much of it here that it's almost impossible to keep track of. There are like five things being explained in the first paragraph. This is a novel, space it out.
I would never want someone to coddle anything I wrote because I want to know what's wrong and how to fix it, not be patronized. In return, I never coddle anyones writing out of the same respect.
This is the main reason why we get our stories out there on the Internet. For strangers to look at them instead of having family or pals, is it not? To have a cold, calculating eye look over our work and tell us what works and what doesn't. There is no room for anything else.
I never try to offend anyone. Speaking of which, the critiques that I and others give out are nothing compared to those professional editors will give you. It's not unusual for an editor to completely destroy your work. One may simply write "Terrible" on a manuscript and send it back to you.
People need to always remember that they are creating a product. If a construction worker, for whatever reason, does a crappy job on your place, and now your house tilts to the left, would you calmly explain to them you'd like this fixed immediately, or would you blow up on them, fire them, and hire someone else? Think of it in terms like that.
You need thick skin, and this is the stage where you learn to develop it.
SB, You're partly right. Reading only that much of this prologue, which is less than 1000 words, it leaves much to be desired. I could even do away with the prologue; it was just meant to show that the aliens are deadly, as further into the rading they shot the Titania to atoms. Thanks, I'll try to rearrange it so that it'll more interesting.
Constructive criticism is where a person lays out what is wrong, why, and perhaps offers suggestions on how to fix it. It's meant to help, and the critics nowadays have given a really bad rap to the job of critiquing.
Personally, I always try to throw in positive words, if there's something good about the fragment yet. But that's not the point of being here. When one finally does post up a fragment that earns nothing but ooh's and aah's, it will be hard-earned and bring all the much more happiness.
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I have nothing to add in suggestions, SB laid it all out and I simply agree.
[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 06, 2005).]
Please tell me if I delete the title and date at the top of the story, could I have more lines than the six I have here?
Thanks for the help.
SB is right about the out of POV exposition problem. I even would have gone further and noted that I sense a pervasive plausibility complex...except that I didn't post 
Oh well. But the point about tact is an important one. A good critique is easy to read and understand, even if it is hard to take. Tact is a very important quality in helping the person being criticized place the comments in a useful context.
The entire point of tact is for use in communicating something that could be unpleasant to hear, so it is expressly designed to go with the most unpalatable truths. One needs no tact to give good news, after all.
Though I could probably have used a style guide before I wrote that
Show the reader the universe through Torvil as he moves through the story instead of telling the reader everything right up front.
Good Luck
[This message has been edited by thedeathkillersareback (edited October 07, 2005).]
But-you lucked into my pet peeve, i.e. too many useless words. In this case you rattled my brain with THIRTEEN instances of 'the' not counting one in your title.
As a bet with yourself try counting how many of your 101,000 +/- words are 'the'. Try not to faint when you tabulate results. 
Then get brave and delete the bastards! 
(or at least the ones who are truly unneeded)
I won't tell you how many 'the's were deleted when I finished my final draft of my first novel, but I will admit to 950+/- 'that's which bit da' dust. 
[This message has been edited by keldon02, killling a few 'the's (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by keldon02, zapping some other words (edited October 07, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited October 07, 2005).]
If this is part of a prologue that you feel you could probably do without, my suggestion is to do without it. Eliminate the need for a prologue explaining that the aliens are deadly, and open with a more engaging hook---such as the aliens attacking, or questioning a prisoner, or blasting a small planet while stunned onlookers keen in agony. These are just suggestions off the top of my head, because as of now I know nothing about the aliens. I didn't even know there were aliens based on the excerpt posted (unless that's what a Moonie is, and I thought that was just people living on the moon).
I already changed it to start with the attack, but since posting the same thing twice is not allowed here, this will have to do for now.
Thanks again for the input.
quote:
Kathleen, thank you so much. I wasn't sure whether the double spacing counted or not.
I only count the actual text.
Kathleen, can we re-post revisions?
Thank, all of you.
Finally: when you're ready to have the whole novel read, bop over to Hatrack Groups and see about joining one. Good luck!
Lieutenant Torvil stifled a yawn as he swept his eyes over the rows of screens. The bridge was quiet, only the low humming of the Titania's engine accompanied the slight snoring of Meyer. Everyone slept on Moon patrol, even now, despite the vague rumors circulating among the Belters and Space Force crews about alien spacecrafts sighted around the Solar system.
The Moonies frowned on illegal activities and never participated in smuggling, nor did they traffic in stolen goods, so it was a waste of time patrolling the colony. But Earth Government was hoping to find something to implicate the Moonies in shady dealings, which would give them an edge in the losing battle to hold onto the colony.