Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Planetogram (redux)--scifi humor

This is topic Planetogram (redux)--scifi humor in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EthanK (Member # 2838) on :

A reworked beginning, previously posted.

“What! Jesus!? Arrghhh,” spat out Calda, along with a good deal of dried mucous.

“Reconstitution by shipboard computer complete,” said an emotionless voice.

“Nugh,” she managed. The Employee Materials Chamber had split open and birthed her yet again onto cold linoleum tiles. She was naked and sprawled all over the tasteful mosaic of Cradlow Burns, Chief Executive Officer of the Quasar Corporation. He was holding a golden scepter and beatifically smiling at the other cryogenically preserved genetic samples of employees. The scepter terminated in the blue-green orb of a planet, its continents divided into perfect geometric shapes.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

What are you looking for as far as feedback? I think this has a pretty good hook, but the language is a little confusing. That first dialogue tag doesn't work for me -- "spat out Calda, along with a good deal of dried mucous." People don't spit out words. In this instance, it seems she is spitting out "dried mucous?" This doesn't make much sense either.

Also, in the beginning she spits out complete words, but she can't manage anything but "Nugh" as her next phrase.

Finally, I understand what you are saying in the last paragraph, but I think it can be reworded to a better effect.

Still, I am hooked and would like to know why she keeps getting birthed, and why this time.

Dude

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

The imagery definitely shows promise of something interesting in the upcoming pages.

some quick an easy notes:

--- “What! Jesus!? Arrghhh,” spat out Calda, along with a good deal of dried mucous.

the punctuation could be simplified, "What? Jesus!...

--- The Employee Materials Chamber had split open and birthed her yet again onto cold linoleum tiles.

Why use past-perfect for something you could use simple past just a sentence earlier?

--She was naked and sprawled all over the tasteful mosaic of Cradlow Burns, Chief Executive Officer of the Quasar Corporation. He was holding a golden scepter and beatifically smiling at the other cryogenically preserved genetic samples of employees.

Rhythm, Two sentences in sequence both starting with "(Pronoun) was" I am all for occasional use of "was" and don't require that passive sentences be completely avoided. However two in a row in the first few paragraphs...well, you get the idea.

[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 05, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Interesting, but you need to loose the description of Cradlow Burns' mosaic unless you can explain why the POV is interested in it.

I found it slightly implausible that the EMC would be designed to dump naked people right on top of the mosaic, so if you have a reason that happened, I'd rather see that then a tangential and apparently out of POV description of the floor. If the EMC does that on purpose, then you can describe the mosaic while explaining why it's there.

I did like the juxtoposition of "She was naked and sprawled all over the tasteful mosaic of Cradlow Burns," but you still need to justify it somehow.