Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Sins of the Forefathers

This is topic The Sins of the Forefathers in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :

Hi, I've only been writing for about 2 months now and it seemed to me I have some talent of writing. I decided to come here and have people to give their views on my story.

Its a fantasy/adventure, much like that of Lord of the Rings with a lot of travel and discovery. Also I am open to all criticism as not only makes me want to become better but helps me learn more. Current word count with Microsoft Word is 5005 and the following paragraph is just the beginning of the Prologue to set up the events in the chapters.

The moonless night held many things in shadow as the man on a horse came running up the beaten path. He was weary of running and sought to find an inn in which he could stay the night. There was no indication of a town nearby as he travelled down the path, trying to keep ahead of his pursuers. His pursuers were capable of catching him but it seemed to him that they were merely toying with him. He continued to ride the horse until he could find a town, which he knew there was one along this road somewhere.
He had once travelled down this very same road when he was little, thus he knew that there was some hope of evading his pursuers.

Thanks for any and all help.

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

There is a strong idea here--a tired man and his exhausted horse trying to evade pursuit in the dark. Unfortunately, the opening is currently too vague and disjointed to make the best use of that idea. It needs to be tightened, which is a skill you'll learn the more you write.

Try bringing the pursuers to the forefront of the story. Make the threat from them real and imminent. His plan to sleep at an inn reduces the sense of immediacy. Is he in danger or not?

I'm not sure that finding an inn is going to help him evade his pursuers--I would imagine it an obvious place for them to look for him. In a town, he might be able to find a place to hide, yet he might do better to leave the road and try to find concealment. How successful that would be depends on who his pursuers are and how they are equipped. Torches? Dogs, or other tracking animals? Supernatural senses of some kind?

"Path" and "road" create very different visual images for me, btw.

Beware of glib explanations, like the man having previously travelled the road as a child. This kind of 'answering questions you fear the reader will ask' (how does he know there'll be a town?) is very common when writers are first starting out. It's probably enough that it's a road--it must go somewhere!

If the night is moonless then I doubt there'd be any shadows. Shadows require a light source. If there is a source of light--eg some much brighter stars than we have on Earth--then bringing that out in the narrative will help the reader imagine the setting.

Try making the narrative more immediate.

The moonless night held many things in shadow as the man on a horse came running up the beaten path.

could be:

The moonless night held many things in shadow as the man galloped his horse up the beaten path.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I think you need to vary your sentence structure somewhat. At the moment, most of those sentences are the same length, with at least two main clauses. Break things up. Choppy, shorter sentences give a broken rhythm, which is more likely to catch the reder's atanetion, as well as better expressing a sense of danger and urgency, which you're trying to do here.

Also, consider giving the man on the horse a name, an identity of some kind for the reader to invest some emotion in.

[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited October 04, 2005).]

Posted by Sariel (Member # 2907) on :

The thing that struck me most about this snippet is how it kind of just lays there. I get the feeling you want the reader to feel this character's fear, and weariness... but I don't.

Take a look at this page, it's a very simple explanation of the difference between active and passive voice:

http://www.wonderfulwritingskillsunhandbook.com/html/active_and_passive_voice.html

If you want to convey a sense of urgency with this opening, you'll want to use more active structuring for the sentences. Don't tell us what it was like, show us how it feels to be there.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

POV.

Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :

Wow... a lot of work I need to do then to make it better. I'll fix it, and learn as I go as well. Thanks for your help!

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

Yes, sentence structure is definately something that needs to be worked on. Having the same structure every sentence gets kinda tiring to read after awhile.

I think you need to delve more into what your character is thinking. I can't imagine he's just sitting back going for a joy ride on his horse, express his thoughts about whats going around him. For example:

quote:
His pursuers were capable of catching him but it seemed to him that they were merely toying with him.

I would word this as "They could easily catch him -- he knew that. What were they waiting for? Was this just a game to them?"

Add life to your character, to the story really. Right now all I'm reading are the words on the screen. That's not what you want to happen.

This could have a really good hook and be very captivating. Things just need to be conveyed a little better.