Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short Story

This is topic Short Story - 8 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

I'm planning on submitting this short story this week. Curious about the opening.

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Brooke calls me at three in the morning to tell me she's going to kill herself. She says she has already slit one wrist and is watching the blood flow down her arm. Her voice sounds like she is crying and I hear her breathing through a clogged nose.

I roll over in my bed, not really in the mood for this, and tell Brooke to leave me out of her note and hang up. The phone rings five minute later, just as I start to fall asleep again, and I paw the night stand drowsily for the receiver and answer.

Brooke tells me that she just cut the bridge of her ankle. She tells me she hates me. She tells me her eyes are starting to close.

"So are mine," I say.

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited October 03, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 03, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It has potential, but you need a little more clarity. One minor thing, I couldn't easily see the part about cutting "the bridge of her ankle."

Of course, the more serious thing is that there is a definite implication that Brooke has done this sort of thing before, whether just calling and saying she's doing it or actually cutting herself. If not, the guy is pretty irresponsible to not at least call the police and inform them that he got a suicide call. Going either way is okay, but you shouldn't leave the reader in suspense over which it is, otherwise they'll probably assume the wrong one and then feel like you contradicted yourself.

I personally am not huge on totally disfunctional relationship stories, which this obviously must be. But it's a pretty good opening for such a story.

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

Thanks.

One thing, though: I'm afraid if I include somewhere in my initial 13 something along the lines of "I'm not bothered, she's done this kind of thing before," the reader might take this as a false start. Sort of like pseudo-suspense.

I'd actually like to convey that she's really doing it, this is the first time she's done anything like this, and the protagonist really just doesn't care. If you have some suggestions of what might make you perceive the reckless abandon of the protagonist while feeling the danger is real and not just some crank, that could really help me rework this opening.

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

You could have the protagonist think something along the lines of "am I supposed to be excited she's found a whole new way to piss me off?".

Posted by Avatar300 (Member # 1655) on :

Buffy's idea seems good.

Just for clarification:this isn't the Brooke who lives in Minneapolis, is it? I kind of like her.

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

Would you be so kind as to let me crit the entire story?

Thanks

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

So I guess that's a no.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

Literary magazines are sick to the back teeth of receiving suicide stories and reject them out of hand -

- however, that said, I love the second line where the other person totally blanks her; now that is interesting!

TL 601: if you look closely you'll see that SB doesn't have an envelope symbol after the date of his post, meaning he doesn't have, or does not wish to provide, a private email address.

[This message has been edited by Paul-girtbooks (edited October 07, 2005).]

Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :

It definitely needs just a sentence somewhere to clarify what the character is thinking about this, like Buffy said.

Like if my old boyfriend who constantly threatened suicide (especially if I spoke of leaving him) called me up about it.. I'd probably be thinking, "Great. He's trying to suck me into his depressed little life, yet again, and probably for the 30th time in a row, this suicide 'attempt' isn't serious either."

That would make the opening awesome, with that completed, totally captures my attention. Oh, and I agree about the bridge of the ankle being awkward.. who cuts their ankle anyway? I can't really imagine where she's cutting with a term like 'bridge.' Maybe that horrible, blood gushing vein at the top of the foot would be easier.

But, you've probably already submitted it. Let us know how it goes! Good luck.

If you're looking for critics to read it though, I'm happy to offer my services as well.

[This message has been edited by ThisProteanSoul (edited October 06, 2005).]

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

Thanks, and thanks.

This isn't really a suicide story, per se. Like just about everything else I write, this is a piece of transgressional fiction.

The suicide angle is just a ploy Brooke uses to try and get the protagonist over to her house where further mischief ensues.

Anyway, yeah, I've mailed it to some editors.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Oh, how can he be so weak? Just call the police and tell them that his ex is threatening to commit suicide, and could they check on her?

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I know, there's no story if he does that. But do have him agonizing over whether or not she's serious this time. To do otherwise would be really cheating.

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

quote:
TL 601: if you look closely you'll see that SB doesn't have an envelope symbol after the date of his post, meaning he doesn't have, or does not wish to provide, a private email address

Paul: what's that got to do with anything?

Posted by Alnilam (Member # 2914) on :

This could be shown, rather than told. Telling us what Brooke said makes this piece flat. Use dialogue.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

TL, it just means that there isn't any way to exchange the entire story one way and then your comments going the other.

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

*sigh*

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

It means, TL 601, that SB can't send you the story, because he doesn't have a private email address from which to send it. Okay?

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Uh, actually, it means he's chosen not to reveal an email address publicly (a perfectly valid choice given the workings of the internet...), not that he doesn't have one that he could use to mail a story to someone who specifically wanted to critique it.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

It means whatever SB wants it to mean, and no more. y'all are reading tea leaves.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'm reading spinach leaves, if anything.

No, seriously, I can see TL's point, but I didn't want to address it. It isn't like it would be impossible to contact another member through email just because you don't choose to provide your address to everyone that happens to visit the forum. I don't want to address it because that would imply that SB specifically didn't want to give TL his address, and I don't think that's the case. It is reasonable to assume that SB simply doesn't want to give out his address at all. Addresses on crappy freemails are hard to check regularly, addresses on good ones shouldn't be wasted, and some people don't like having to remember different emails and their associated passwords.

But given the assumption (which isn't perfect but is reasonable) that SB doesn't want to give out his email, he doesn't have a way to send anyone the whole story and get comments back.