This first chapter will be a cycle of four point of views, introducing the four characters on a bus. One is linked to another before cycling around to the first one again.
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Every mile between Kevin and his two-timing Dad was a mile well-traveled. He watched Topeka grow on the horizon, trying to shake the images in his head. It was bad enough seeing his father naked and passed out; catching him with that bimbo had been devastating. The man had no right-- he never had any right-- to teach him right from wrong. Kevin doubted there was anyone who could.
The bus switched gears, hastening to its destination, growling as if preying upon it. Across the isle, an old man snored, bifocals drooping from his face, a newspaper crumpled at his loafers. Reading had made Kevin tired too, but he found it impossible to sleep on a bus.
Lucy leaned on his shoulder, so he elbowed her awake. He didn’t like it when his baby sister got touchy-feely. She blinked a few times, yawned and rubbed her eyes. “Where’s Daddy?”
It sounds like you mean for this to be an angry, emotional scene. But I think you cop out slightly but softening your word choice. I mean, this kid just saw his old man with a hooker and he only refers to him as two-timing? What about a piece of shit bastard? And the hooker, would you really call someone that had an affair with your dad some Brady Bunch word like bimbo? What about a fucking whore? It just gives more power to the voice, portraying his distaste with raw emotion.
I don't know Kevin's age, but if he's at least, say, in double digits, those words are perfectly okay.
Also, the line, "He watched Topeka grow on the horizon, trying to shake the images in his head," is awkward. This means that he is trying to shake the image of Topeke growing on the horizon from his head, not that of his father naked and passed out.
You may also want to portray the fact he's on a bus sooner. I thought for the first paragraph he was driving, tears flowing freely from his eyes, as he looks at the rear-view mirror, glad to be rid of his father.
"The bus switched gears, hastening to its destination, growling as if preying upon it."
Cut the "as if preying upon it" bit. It's too much and it makes no sense.
"Reading had made Kevin tired too, but he found it impossible to sleep on a bus."
Cut out "on a bus." It's redundant, we know what you mean.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited September 30, 2005).]
quote:
Across the isle, an old man snored, bifocals drooping from his face, a newspaper crumpled at his loafers.
I'm assuming this is the guy who was experiencing sleep paralysis?
And I think you meant "aisle" instead of "isle," which refers to an island.
I don't think this is as good of an opening as the last. The last one catches your attention and makes you want to continue to read to find out what's happened to Arnold. This opening doesn't do any of that.
[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited September 30, 2005).]
More to the point, this opening is a lot better. It sensibly establishes the setting, which is going to be the main player in this story. If the snoozer is the guy from the other opening, thats an interesting bit of contrast to bring out, too.