Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Beto of Mer

This is topic Beto of Mer in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Apologies in advance if this is more than 13 lines. I don't happen to have my template with me, so I'm guessing the first two paragraphs are about right. It's 6 lines on my screen.

This is from a story I've been working on sporadically for a few months now. This is the first bit of chapter 1.

Enjoy. Let me know what you think.

\/\/ /-\ [)

======== Beto of Mer ========
Bullets spat into the water as the boy flailed his arms and legs trying to evade the gunfire. His waterlogged jacket didn't help. Eyes wide with terror, he gulped air, and then ducked beneath the chilly waves. He kicked hard in a valiant effort to get away from the boat.

Just when he thought his lungs would burst, he felt a heavy weight pulling him down. There was a growing pain in his ears. He managed to twist around only to see that the surface was now far above him. He was tangled in a net, like some doomed starfish. His last lungful of air produced only an unheard scream.
======== Beto of Mer ========

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

Its grabbing. But I think the bit about the jacket being no help was rather pointless. Unless the jacket is a main part of the story, I'd take it out.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm not gripped, but it wouldn't take much to fix this: tell us why he's in the water being shot at. Then I think I'd be on the edge of my seat.

I got that the waterlogged jacket was slowing him down.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

It is interesting and I think it is well written and descriptive.

I agree with about the jacket.

I also wonder about valiant. It kind of stuck out when I read it. My thought was if the character thought of himself as valiant?

Doomed starfish also seemed a little odd to me. I'm not much on the ocean, so I've never thought of starfish as being doomed in a net. Another sea creature might work better here, but it might be just my taste, too.

Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :

I thought starfish was odd, but for a different reason: it made me think he had his arms and legs sticking straight out, unable to move them.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Sorry to be another to talk about the jacket line, but... it's the most glaringly obvious thing wrong in the paragraph.

I think the main problem is that we don't know this boy. A drowning boy being shot at obviously has some inherent pathos, and it's a dramatic opening, no doubt, it's just I don't know this boy. He stays very impersonal. I think the addition of something to personalize him, some thought or image, could make this opening really pop.

The first line is a killer, btw.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Do you mean you like it or not? I found it a little clutzy (another of those words).

You didn't start with an unreferenced pronoun...but "the boy" doesn't give me much to hang on. It makes me think that we're in the POV of someone else, perhaps the shooter, eh? In the second paragraph, you definitely indicate that it is the boy's POV, but that doesn't help much.

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Thanks so much for the feedback! I've made some revisions, here's the new version:

======== Beto of Mer (v2) ========
Bullets spat into the water as Beto, the young Mexican boy, flailed his arms and legs trying to evade the gunfire. Eyes wide with terror, he gulped air, and then ducked beneath the chilly waves. He kicked hard in a frantic effort to get away from the boat.

Just when he thought his lungs would burst, he felt a heavy weight pulling him down. There was a growing pain in his ears. He twisted around and pushed his waterlogged jacket away from his face, only to see that the blurry surface was now far above him. He was tangled in a net, like some doomed sea creature. His last lungful of air produced only an unheard scream.

As cold seawater flooded into his burning lungs, episodes from his short life raced through his mind.
======== Beto of Mer (v2) ========

Incidentally, the structure of the next few chapters is intended to be a series of flashbacks, interspersed with details about the physical damage he suffers as water enters his lungs and his mind is deprived of oxygen.

Most of the way through the flashbacks, which give some hints of a very unusual aspect of Beto's ancestry, some odd things happen in his body. He is, after all, Beto of "Mer".

:-D

More feedback appreciated, this is great!

\/\/ /-\ [)

[This message has been edited by wad (edited September 28, 2005).]

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Have you considered other structures that do not rely on flashbacks? Hopping into a flashback after only two paragraphs of the main story is a Great Big Red Flag.

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Interesting. Why would that be so bad? Start the story with a big event, and then build up to it in the first quarter of the story (via flashbacks, or whatever), when the event happens chronologically. Then the story continues "real time" from that point onward.

What are some other structures that could work?

Thanks for ideas!

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I agree with Beth.
Flashback now would be dodgy, maybe in a little while but not immediately, have some sort of resolution (for good or ill) to this situation in sight before backflashing.

If he dies, there is not many other structure options left, just extend the scene somewhat before backflashing. The life before his eyes element will have to be done well or could sound cheesy. Maybe a recap of the immediate goings-on

Otherwise it seems too obvious a hook, like the reader is some doomed sea creature....

I mean, just lead us some more.

On another note, it is a great idea for a scene, ramp up the emotion, he currently has no emotional response to the sudden realisation that he is ensnared. The word 'Mexican' seemed out of place in such a fast scene.

Last lungful indicates that he dies, not sure about this as a start unless he get pulled into some atlantean/biminian world and turns into a "Mer" man.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 29, 2005).]

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

You might be able to get away with flashbacks within a framing story. If the writing is engaging enough, you can get away with ANYTHING.

There's potential to engage the reader in this piece, although I don't like the rewrite of the first line. Firstly, "young" and "boy" are tautologous. Secondly, "young Mexican boy" doesn't really bring me any closer to knowing anything about Beto. Try to bring out something about this particular boy that's unique to him--make him a real person, not a nationality and an age.

Bullets spat into the water as Beto, the young Mexican boy, flailed his arms and legs trying to evade the gunfire.

I would reframe this sentence. At the moment, it reads to me as if the bullets are spitting into the water because Beto is trying to evade them, rather than that Beto is flailing around because bullets are spitting into the water. A minor point, but irritating, as I ended up reframing the sentence in my head rather than engaging with it.

As bullets spat into the water, Beto, the young Mexican boy, flailed his arms and legs trying to evade the gunfire.

Not sure "doomed sea creature" works, although there's been so much focus on this aspect of the fragment that it's hard to tell. Some creatures would be doomed in a net--a dolphin, a bird, a shark. Others would probably only be mildly inconvenienced. I like the image, however, so keep working on it .

(forgot no evil HTML allowed)

[This message has been edited by BuffySquirrel (edited September 29, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, an air breather is going to be much more doomed in that situation. You definitely need to cut "the young Mexican boy," it's totally out of POV.

A "life flashing before his eyes" scene could work, but you have to be careful of two major difficulties. First, flashbacks of any kind are a major red flag to most readers, you really have to know what you're doing. I think that you'll get past that because you're using a structure in which the flashbacks are taking place in a situation in which flashbacks might occur, but that brings us to the second problem. "His life flashed before his eyes" is the height of cliche. When you are in imminent danger of dying, you're life doesn't flash before your eyes. When you find out that you're going to die, you might look back on your life, sure. But when you're fighting for survival, you don't think about anything other than that.

A "cliche" can readily be defined as something that happens far more often in fiction than in real life. It's okay if it's happened once or twice in fiction even if it never happens in real life (but there is a reason that SF writers are always struggling to come up with really new ideas). But the "his life flashed before his eyes" thing happens so often, even as a plot device rather than a mere hackneyed phrase, that it takes major goods to pull it off in an original spin.

Still, these are things that you may be able to handle. Just be aware that they are problems, and don't be surprised when people point them out. If it really doesn't work out, you can move on to other options, but for now it's just something to remember when you're writing.