Hatrack River Writers Workshop: High Treason

This is topic High Treason in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

Before I start. I just would like to point out that this is the first I've written at all. The first 13 lines are the first 13 lines ever. So there is no completed manuscript. Here it goes:

George stepped off the plane, smiling at the flight attendants as he left. He stepped into the hallway that would lead him into the terminal for Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. He reached into his pocket and removed a list. It read:

Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Franklin
John Adams
John Hancock
Samuel Adams
Roger Sherman

These men would all die. Every last one. They had done the unthinkable.

Edit: To change airport name.

Edit of the Edit: For Word Choice

Edit of the Edit of the Edit: For Confusion

[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited September 27, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 28, 2005).]

Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :

Sounds like a time travel story.

I would remove "Washington D.C., the American capital." and replace it with the name of the actual name of the airport (I think it's Reagan, not sure).

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

It isn't time travel though. Its entirely different.

[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited September 27, 2005).]

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Here you have an opportunity to add a hook in the second word of the story! Here's my idea: Don't reveal the name of the protagonist (or antagonist?) quite yet. Replace "George stepped off the plane, smiling at the flight attendants." with "The assasin stepped off the plane, smiling at the flight attendants."

The hook is in the mouth, now set the barb with the list of famous people! Cool.

Looks good, keep up the writing! On your revisions, consider removing redundant information, such as " as he left" in the first sentence.

And "He walked down the hallway that would lead him into the terminal for the airport in Washington D.C., the American capital." could become "He emerged from the causeway into the American capital." The word "walked" is so boring.

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

The name George is important though. The character isn't specifically an assassin. If I write more, perhaps you could look at it and see what I mean?

I'll give you a hint. George isn't his real name. And he didn't mean to change his name. And it isn't a split personality.

Edit: I'll throw in another hint. Who was the King of Britian during the American Revolution and the signing of the Declaration of Independence? I'll just remind you that it has nothing to do with time travel.

[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited September 27, 2005).]

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I'm not sure how it could not be time travel, which is good. It means it'll be a surprise, and I've always felt american history could be tapped more.

One thing that tripped me up though, as "this mysterious tourist". I wasn't sure if that was George or someone else for a moment. I think it might work to say just, "He reached into his pocket and..."

I'm interested.

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

It has nothing to do with American history whatsover. No tap, which means no keg. Sorry. It might still be interesting for one interested in American history.

Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :

I'm guessing that the six famous names are code names for different people altogether. I'm also guessing that the Decleration of Independence that they signed isn't the actual Decleration we're all familiar with (those of us from the States, anyway). I think it's a good hook, but is this some type of mystery? If it isn't, it may be too much work to figure out what is actually happening! But maybe I haven't read enough....

Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :

I'm interested, keep going, man.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Don't be silly. It's because they got their names legally changed to those of the founding fathers

Really, just state the reason that he's going to kill these people up front. Not doing it is a huge POV violation. He knows what they've done, and there isn't any point in hiding it.

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

I already said why he would kill them. They signed the Declaration of Independence. Or HE thinks so at least.

Edit: The moderator took off the graceful part at the end. That was the cool part. And I only had thirteen lines, if lines is referring to sentences. Either way, it might not make as much sense now.

[This message has been edited by WilliamHenryHarrison (edited September 28, 2005).]

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

Thirteen lines refers to thirteen lines of text formatted in standard manuscript format--one inch margins, Courier 12 point, double-spaced. That's what the moderator has corrected your fragment to.

I think you need to look carefully at how you're starting your sentences. You have three at the beginning that all begin much the same way--with "George" or "he". Try to break up the way you start sentences consistently, as you do after the list of names. Variety is less tiring to read.

Although I have a pet hate for "the unthinkable", I think the lines after the list work well. They are succinct and to the point.

Keep going!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Okay, I thought I was being specific but I can see I didn't state it properly before. By "up front" I mean when you first introduce the list, before you tell us who's on it.

"He reached into his pocket and removed a list. It read:" should be changed to "He reached into his pocket and pulled out thelist of traitors who'd sent their defiance against the Crown in a [i]signed letter declaring their independence."

At that point, you could tell us who's on the list, but perhaps you should trust the reader a little. Actually listing names would be anticlimactic. And you need the punch for your next line, "These men would all die."

There is another useful way to interpret "up front", as Buffy points out. The first thirteen lines are going to be the front page of your manuscript. I usually mean "the moment your POV character thinks about it" when I use the term, though.

I will say that it wasn't just that. But everyone was speculating on what the names on the list meant, so I just mentioned that first.

But the overall POV needs to be a bit more engaging. Right now it's pretty "George did this, he did that, he did this" up till you say "These men would all die." But that isn't the real hook for your story. The real hook is why this guy is trying to kill them.

The thirteen line rule doesn't mean that you should put your "hook" on the thirteenth line. Every line should hook us.

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

I'll attempt to fix it when I try to write the REAL thing on Sunday. Or sometime thereabouts.