Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Life Sentence

This is topic Life Sentence in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

This is still being worked on, so I'm just looking for comments on the hook.

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The great bell was ringing out from the Imperial palace. Its resonance penetrated every corner of the Endless City. The sonorous tones rolled down the broad avenues, silenced the hubbub of markets, quietened the chatter of children.
Yi Qin was seated in front of the mirror, carefully coiling and pinning her hair. Each clang of the bell made the image vibrate. She was not sure whether it was the mirror that was shaking, or her.
The bell was tolling. The Great Year was coming to an end. The Day of Great Accounting was here.
The last day of her life.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I like everything except the 2nd line. And I even liked the name of the city in that/ Really I just didn't like the phrase "Its resonance." It sounded a little overblown for the second line. I think you could probably get rid of the 2nd sentence and slap all that info in the 3rd (which would now be the 2nd, but that's starting to get confusing).

Aside from that I think it's great.

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

I like the idea you are trying to convey with this passage, but the language gets in the way. I would suggest looking to eliminate the verb 'was' in much of this passage. Especially the sentence: "She was not sure whether it was the mirror that was shaking, or her." I think you can word this stronger.

Also, it is a litte choppy, especially the last paragraph. I suggest you combine sentences together to better the flow. Something like:

The bell tolled the end of the Great Year, and the beginning of the Day of Great Accounting. Yi Qin trembled as its final toll heralded in the last day of her life.

This also brings it back to your POV character a little more.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

There was something of a scale problem here. "Each clang of the bell made the image vibrate. She was not sure whether it was the mirror that was shaking, or her[self]." It isn't very easy to mistake your own trembling for the mirror vibrating or vice versa. Also, where is she in relationship to this bell that it's shaking her mirror? If she's the one shaking, then just say so.

I think that opening with the action of an inanimate subject has it's uses, but it's always a little off-putting to me. And here you don't do anything with it other than imply that Yi Qin is farther away from the bell than everything else you described thus far, which may or may not be your intent.

Also, I'd definitely lose "quietened".

Then you summarize your hook so as to make everything preceding it completely unnecessary.

quote:
The bell was tolling. The Great Year was coming to an end. The Day of Great Accounting was here.
The last day of her life.

As hooks go, it's okay. But the rest of the text doesn't serve to enhance it. We don't know anything about Yi Qin other than that she has a mirror and hair. I don't feel one way or the other about the fact that she's going to die. Likewise the rest of the milieu.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I agree that if she is shaking, she should know she is shaking. Thus, the reader should know she is shaking through the main character. It might be a little more difficult to pull off, but you could make both her and the mirror shake, I suppose.

I think it could use some reworking, but I think it works in its concept. I think that relating the sound of the bell to the knowledge that she is going to die works. What I'd like to see more is the emotion behind that knowledge, her thoughts. (Having her shaking instead of the mirror is part of this, I think.)

I found the proximity of sonorous and resonance to be especially awkward, for me. In addition, and this might be just my quirk, but having tones roll down the avenues made them seem somehow slower than the speed of sound; it just didn't work for me.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I like the idea of the bell tolling and the signifigance of it to Yi Quin. I think it would just be more effective of we hear the bell through her ears from the very beginning. Maybe we could see her sitting before the mirror and then the bell could ring (she could picture the travel of the sound of the bell) and then she could shake and show us her fear. If it is the "last day of her life" I don't think the reader should miss any of it.

That's just a thought. I like the language but I think it would serve better from the main character's POV.

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Maybe something like:

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Through an amazing coincidence, her trembling was of the exact same magnitude, and 180 degrees out of phase with, the vibration in the mirror caused by the sound of the ringing bell. So her reflection appeared perfectly still, but she wasn't fooled.
----------

Naw, I'm just kidding.

I agree with what Survivor said, the last line eliminates much of the need of the other stuff. I suppose it sets the mood and develops the character a bit, though. I love the last line in your snippet. "The last day of her life". Nice hook.

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

The most significant thing, the overwhelming thing, is that this is her last day alive. Everything she experiences will be from that perspective; so we won't understand these experiences till you tell us. Tell us up front.

This was the last day of Yi Qing's life. The bell...

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Personally, I would prefer to be shown how she feels, and then to know that it's the last day of her life, much like in the passage, but with added senses/feelings.
But ultimately it's up to you.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I think it's important, so I'll say why. Until I know why she's feeling what's she's feeling, all I can do is *observe* the feeling (and be confused by it). But if I know why she's feeling it, I can *share* the feeling.

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I think that when we get to Yi Qin she should be more clearly effected by the sound.

I don't have a problem with the order in which the images are presented. We get to YiQin very quickly. But she is 'coiling her hair and pinning it' and seems like a very collected young woman considering the significance of the sound.

I like 'resonance' and 'sonorous' but it doesn't seem to match with 'clang' maybe 'toll' or 'tolling of the bell' or 'knell' but 'clang' reminds me of a clashing sound high on the treble low on bass.

or you could go for rhyme "the thunder stunned her'"
last bit was a joke

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

This is perhaps overwritten, but it has impact. I like the way it's structured, with the broad picture reducing to the small picture. Easy to visualise

I'd recommend reducing your use of the past progressive ("was ringing"). Although I don't have a problem with this construction personally, discussions with editor friends suggest that it's generally thought to be weaker than the more direct "the great bell rang out from the Imperial palace".

This fragment took me into the story almost straightaway. I can see the woman sitting in front of the mirror while the bell shakes the city. Nice job.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Sorry, been away from PC access for a few days.

Thanks to all for the comments. I'm intrigued by the different approachs people have taken with regard to it being the last day of her life, and what her emotional state is, or should be. She is very "collected"; partly because she is a very precise, careful, "collected" person for whom shows of - even acknowledgement of - emotions is a distraction, a bad Thing; and partly because she has been perfectly aware that she is going to die today for some considerable time, and has indeed been planning accordingly.

Which makes it interesting when she turns out not to die...

Anyway, points duly noted and taken under advisement. Gracias, all.