Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Busride

This is topic Busride in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

Arnold strained to open his eyes. No matter how he struggled, his body wouldn’t budge. He heard the bus roar. He heard a little girl throw a tantrum. The noise pierced his head like gunshots, but dry, echoless, as if he shared a coffin with a machine gun. Arnold wondered if he was dead. Perhaps this was what death was like, an eternity of paralysis.

His heart began to race as waves of fear chilled through him; Arnold wanted to scream. He wanted to live. A heartbeat meant he wasn’t dead. But it didn’t mean he wasn’t dying, or worse, immobilized for life, cut off from the outside world.
Arnold sensed the hitman in the back of the bus: suit and tie, slicked-back hair, hand on gun. If he couldn’t move, the hitman would bump him off for sure. Maybe the man had shot him, severing his spine, paralyzing him for life.
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I'm just looking for comments on this ~13, I'm not sure whether to move this small section to the beginning, or if it would be too melodramatic. I always think of the critique OSC gave, where the person's story began too emotional without getting to know the character.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 28, 2005).]

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

quote:
as if he shared a coffin with a machine gun.

? I can't make sense out of this part.

Also, maybe you can give a little detail as to what his position is? Such as "he lay on the pavement," or whatever his position might be. Then again, since as of right now this isn't the beginning, you might have specified where he was before the first paragraph began.

For a beginning though, I think this is great. I was hooked pretty much from the first few sentences. I do remember reading that story that OSC critiqued, but I don't think this would apply. I don't feel like I'm being forced into Arnold's feelings at all.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Arnold strained to open his eyes. No matter how he struggled, his body wouldn’t budge.

I could understand this if his eyelids wouldn't budge; but if his body won't budge, I think he's trying to move. Did he get his eyes open?

He heard the bus roar. He heard a little girl throw a tantrum.

At this point, I'm needlessly confused. Is he on the bus, or is the bus nearby? Why can't he move? Given that he's struggling, I'd guess something is holding him down. Does he know what? Does he know what happened? If not, tell us! If so, tell us what he knows!

OSC called this sort of thing sort-of-cinematic: we're seeing things from MC's perspective, but we aren't getting the crucial information that will tell us what's going on.

His suggestion: you really can get by with just a bald statement at the beginning, as in

Arnold had just been hit by a bus. He lay on the asphalt unable to move.

Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :

Maybe this would be a better starting line?

quote:
Arnold sensed the hitman in the back of the bus: suit and tie, slicked-back hair, hand on gun. If he couldn’t move, the hitman would bump him off for sure.

Posted by WilliamHenryHarrison (Member # 2874) on :

It is interesting. But, I have one question. How does Arnold know that the fellow is a hitman? Have they had a previous conflict. Do they know each other?

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I think you should start off mentioning the hitman. If Arnold can sense it, it's probably foremost in his mind along with trying to move.

I would also include a line to give a solid sense of where Arnold is. I wasn't sure if he was on the bus at first, too.

The situation seems to work, and I think it's got a good hook. Other than cleaning it up with some of these suggestions, I think it's a good opening.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

I don't know if this makes any difference, but what the reader will learn later, is that Arnold is experiencing sleep paralysis. There of course, is no hitman, just a symptom of his current state. Which is made all that more confounding when a hitman starts picking people off on the bus...

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

From what I know of sleep paralysis, it is usually the norm for people to experience the presence of some "evil entity" watching over them or the feeling that they're being crushed or choked. Often people think they are being abducted by aliens or some other such paranormal explanation. I've never heard of people hearing the noise of children throwing tantrums and thinking that they had been shot by a hitman. Though perhaps there are other types of sleep paralysis that I'm not aware of.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

This one came mostly from my own experiences, back when I worked nights. Yeah, the hitman thing is bending it a bit.

The kid throwing a tantrum is really happening on the bus, filtered by his state. Sounds I've heard in my sleep seem amplified and distorted, of course, they also promptly wake me up.

Thanks for everyone's input!

[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited September 29, 2005).]