I'm looking for some feedback on this opening. Have a read and let me know what you think of it.
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Hollow. He was hollow. He laughed even as he thought it. A hollow man. Literally hollow. A small giggle escaped his gut. Hollow. He was staring at the wall, holding a small inhaler, unlabeled. And he was giggling at his reflection. The wall was solid white. His reflection winked. He screamed.
Andrew Smith looked through the window in on the patient. He was currently writhing in pain in the furthest corner of the room. The patient was screaming now. His lungs must have recovered.
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Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
I'll assume Andrew Smith is not the guy who thinks he's hollow. So: two things. (Hey, it might be more interesting if he *were*)... Two things. 1) Let us know which character this story is about, and then stick with that character's point of view. (You don't have to, but it will make it easier on the reader [though probably harder on you]). 2) Give us more about why the guy thinks he's hollow. I can already imagine a whole passage about that, about him taking a blast from his inhaler and how the spray just floats around inside him, having nowhere to go.... You know, stuff like that. Otherwise you might as well just go, 'The patient was crazy, and he was acting crazy.'
I am interested in this though. I'm sort of hooked, but I think it needs to be fixed.
Posted by Vultus (Member # 2887) on :
point taken. I'll revise and repost here in a day or two.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Also, don't start with an unreferenced pronoun. Just don't do it. The only good reason for doing it is to show that the POV character has amnesia, and that should tell you something about how terrible all the other reasons must be
The opening is rather interesting, at that, but right now it doesn't promise to follow through.
Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :
I like the first paragraph. I also agree with comments above.
Make something more of the idea in that paragraph.. it might fit if he really did have amnesia, seeing as he's already crazy.
Posted by Vultus (Member # 2887) on :
This is a new and revised version of the original opener. The character is crazy. I have not found a suitable proper noun for him yet, so the pronouns are staying for now. This is supposed to reveal more about the nature of his situation than the original. --- Hollow, thought the man in the cell. He was hollow. He cackled as he thought it. He was a hollow man. Literally hollow, with no space inside of him. All the he was could be put into a beam of light. A small giggle escaped his gut as he stared at the wall. He clutched a small inhaler tightly in emaciated hands. The torn, unreadable label had left little pieces in the drying blood on his masticated nails. The young man puffed it eagerly, abrasively wheezing the gas into his lungs. The inhaler kept him from seeing the man in the wall. As long as he had the inhaler, his shadow could not come out.
The inhaler made a sussurant gasp as the canister equalized with the ambient air pressure and the flow of narcotic ebbed. The young man’s girlish grin faded into a frown. He shook the inhaler. Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He looked up and giggled at his reflection. The wall was solid white. His reflection winked at him. He screamed.
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[This message has been edited by Vultus (edited September 27, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It seems a bit incoherant. I know that's the idea, but it's still a bad thing, overall.
Posted by Vultus (Member # 2887) on :
I have decided upon a new direction for this story. As such, this scene takes place in the middle, not the beginning now. Thanks for the input guys, it's been helpful. I will repost on a new topic if I keep going with this, with a new opening.
