No formal border lay between Ektarian and Dresadil, but I knew when we crossed from one to the other. Ektarian was all activity: fat red cows grazed in its fields, barely pausing to chew one mouthful before ripping up the next; children drove outraged geese or pigs with black tidemarks along their flanks. In Dresadil, all was silence.
Even as his leading hoof struck Dresadil soil, my horse reared and then backed away. The sun was cooler, the soil thinner, the grass yellowing and everywhere seeding with bowed heads. No cattle grazed; no children ran with sticks and yells. Forcing my horse forward, I felt Dresadil's cold strike me to the bone. It was true, then: my uncle was not only an usurper, but a magician, too. His curse lay upon my birthright like a stone.
[This message has been edited by BuffySquirrel (edited September 25, 2005).]
Even as his leading hoof FIRST CROSSED THE BORDER INTO Dresadil, my horse reared and then backed away. The sun was cooler, the soil thinner, the grass yellowing and everywhere seeding with bowed heads. No cattle grazed; no children ran with sticks and yells. Forcing my horse forward, I felt Dresadil's cold strike me to the bone. It was true, then: my uncle was not only an usurper, but a magician, too. His curse lay upon my birthright like a stone.
--
I'm mildly hooked, despite my bias against fantasy these days.
I'd say I'm hooked and would read more.
Ronnie
There's a nice sense of anticipation and some good imagery. If those last two lines do indeed fall at the bottom of the first page then I'd definitely keep reading if I was an editor.
How long is it? If it's finished and you're looking for readers for the full manuscript then count me in. Can't guarantee that I'll be able to get back to you lickety-split, but I'd certainly like to take a look at it.
As per everyone else, I agree with wbriggs's suggestion.
The contrast, along an almost Dunsany-esque edge, acts as a hook. I'd definitely keep reading.
Is it finished? Are you looking for readers? If so, how long is the piece?
Also, that line represents an unfortunate regression of your story. If you just cut it, I think the text moves more smoothly. I don't recommend that, though. It's the only specific action in the entire opening. Everything else is very generalized. I'd say the better solution is to give us all the information in a defined scene rather than by telling us these generalizations.
.It is finished; it's about 6.6k. At the moment I'm considering whether or not it's worth revising and trying to place as a reprint.
[This message has been edited by BuffySquirrel (edited September 26, 2005).]
I liked what you have written as it is, no need to repeat yourself. The border comment did not occur to me but I see Survivor's point.
At first I was not sure whether it was the geese and pigs or the children or both with tidemarks on their flanks. But thinking about it I see it was the pigs.
The description of the noise and life of Ektarian IMO needs extending to make the difference stronger. The Dresadil line at the end of the paragraph seems like its in the wrong place, it jarred, the transition seemed a bit clunky.
Maybe even putting it on a separate line would help.
Question: Could the rider (POV Character) see or sense the difference AS he/she approached the border?
I would like to read it.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 26, 2005).]
Reprint--the story's been published once, and I'm wondering if I could place it again.
No, the rider couldn't see the difference.