At least later on, that is a big part of what the story is about. No, the Oscgill are not the main characters, but they are a very large part of the plot. The Oscgill stood near an outcropping of rock chewing on a dry thistle bush. He caught a smell on the air. Something was dying.
Near by, another Oscgill stumbled through the rocky desert. Its front legs buckled as it fell to its knees. Its hindquarters gave out and the animal fell to its side, gasping for breath.
Generally speaking, the Oscgill were as much herbivore as carnivore, but living in a desert meant that the animals didn’t always have a lot of choice in what they ate. In this case, the healthy Oscgill that had been munching away at a dry twig now saw a much better meal, even if it did involve a little cannibalism.
[This message has been edited by chuck7 (edited September 25, 2005).]
You named them after Orson Scott Card, didn't you?
Which isn't a bad thing. Just... Are you married to it?
Also, dieing should be dying. I wouldn't read anything past that.
Try using the idea of cannibalism as the hook.
Where are the characters? Is this actually about the oscgills? If so, are they sentient?
No, the Oscgill are not named after Orson Scott Card, though I can see where you would get that Idea. No, I am not married to the name, but I havent thought of one that I like better.
The question you asked about sentients in the Oscgill is a good one. Thats kind of the point At least later on, that is a big part of what the story is about. No, the Oscgill are not the main characters, but they are a very large part of the plot.
The hook, as much as there is one, is about two paragraphs further down, which did not make it into the first 13 lines.
The first OSC has a gender; the second does not. Why?
Your sentences have kind of a clunky rhythm to them; look at ways you can vary your sentence structure to make it flow better.
I'm picturing an Oscgill as a shaggy cross between an elephant and an anteater that is about the size of an ox. How close am I? All I know so far is it has front legs, rear legs, it breathes and it can die. I also know it's an omnivore. Anyway, I think I'd rather see a little description of an Oscgill more than a name for it. It doesn't have to be much, but just something to build a mental image around.
If they are sentient with a strong taboo against eating their own kind, then you definitely need to mention that.
In a more general sense, I agree that you need to work on your POV and identification. Even if "The Oscgill" doesn't have a name per se and isn't the actual POV character, it needs to be called something a little more different from what you call the other Oscgill. You could call it an oscgill bull or whatever. Just something different from what you'll call every other oscgill we come across. And don't capitalize it unless "Oscgill" is a name or title rather than a class type.
Probably the central issue is that there isn't any feeling that any of this matters at all to the narrator or even to the oscgills involved. Naturally, in such a case we feel little reason to care ourselves. Figure out what you want the reader to feel about this.
But if something interesting has happened to kill the second oscgill, I want to know what.
And who or what is Callaway?
I have rewritten the opening to move the hook further up, and to give some separation between the two characters.
Unfortunately, I still haven’t managed to get the “hook”, as it were, into 13 lines. In my editor its about 17.
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The osgill lay dying in the desert sands. He had a good long life, bonded to the other in himself as he was, but now time was critical. He saw the other osgill lumbering near by chewing thistle and mewling nosily. They always did that this time of year. It was near mating season, and the bull was in rut.
The unbound dullard was taking too long, surely he had smelled him by now. His rut was the problem. Right now the big bull was more interested in finding a mate than getting a good meal.
Just then he raised his bulbous cow like head and looked over, snorting the air. He tromped his hooves through the sand on a bee line for the dying old osgill.
[This message has been edited by chuck7 (edited September 27, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 29, 2005).]
Unless I misread something, it seems the dying one is the POV character, so far. I think you could save some space by not referring to it as much.
For instance, I think, "The dying one knew that surely this unbound dullard had smelled him by now." could easily be written, "Surely this unbound dullard had smelled him by now."
I think the phrase, "bonded to the other in himself as he was" is a little awkward. I'm not sure if it applies, but would symbiote or parasite work for 'the other in himself'?
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited September 26, 2005).]
Also, yes I think the hook is there, but it took me 17 lines.
There are some bits of clumsy language, like when you said "he raised its bulbous cow like head", that really threw me for a loop. But overall this opening seems to work better.
This didn't seem like much of science fiction, more like the introduction to an episode on a television documentary.
Starting out with a death is good, but it's got to be a better death than this. Make it violent, with bodily fluids flinging around. Make some conflict immediate.
This is more like, "some strangly-named animal flopped over, and another one considered eating it instead of a very interesting twig."
Need some spice, ya know?
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