Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Death: a Thing in the night.

This is topic Death: a Thing in the night. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001361

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

This is a 10,000 word story. Thanks to two cans of Rock Star Energy Drinks, and repeats of the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, I came close to finishing this last night.

A (quick) filler-in: It's in the future, Human population is eighty billion, eviorment is polluted, and a father and his daughter have to fight for their lives to stay alive through rioters, Things, and Pure Dark. These thirteen lines(hopefully they are thirteen lines) is a part where Pure Dark comes.

I could barely form the words. “Pure Dark.”

Emily crouched down in front of me. “What do we do?”

I waved her over to help me up, and placed one hand against the air unit. With our combined strength, I was able to stand, but barely. I was going nowhere.

As if reading my mind, Emily said, “I’m not leaving you.”

I nodded. It was a brave statement from an eight year-old, but it did not solve our problem. In a few seconds, we would be in the freezing grasp of Pure Dark, with nothing to protect us but our thin Kippers.

I looked at my hand, feeling the pleasurable heat flow through my arm from the warm metal….

I thanked God a second time that day.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited September 23, 2005).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 23, 2005).]

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

Are you looking for someone to read the whole thing? You can email it to me if so. I was intrigued by these lines and wanted to know more. I especially wanted to know more about Pure Dark.

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

I'll send it to you once i get done finished revising it. Like i said, i just finished it last night.

Thanks

Posted by ThisProteanSoul (Member # 2882) on :

Very interesting start, so it begins capturing attention immediately. Only two things jumped out at me beyond that.

To establish their relationship quickly, I would've had her refer to the man as Dad or Father when she said she wasn't leaving him.

And... I don't know what the heck a Kipper is, so I'm going to guess it's a type of clothing specific to your story? Especially if it's clothing, but just as an object in general, I doubt it'd be capitalized. That only bothered me because I would've assumed it was a common object like clothing, but the capitalization gave it some strange importance that then wasn't explained.

Good luck.

-Azure

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

This isn't in the begginging. I already posted the beggining about three months ago, trying to see if the story plot would excite people. It did, but between then and now, i have been writing a different story.

So, in short, this is not the beggining.

I'm still confused about these thirteen line rules. Are we supposed to show only the first 13 lines of the beggining?

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

No, it doesn't have to be the beginning.

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

Eighty billion? I find that hard to accept.

I like the straightforward narrative style here, but I wonder why it took the father so long to notice that the air unit was warm.

Pure Dark is intriguing and the setup here works well.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It doesn't have to be the beginning, but it usually should be

Why are you showing us this rather than your beginning? A follow up question based on pretty much any possible answer to the previous question: Why isn't this your beginning?

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

ThisProteanSoul wrote:

quote:
I don't know what the heck a Kipper is

Well, in the UK, it's a small smoked fish, traditionally eaten for breakfast; or else a flared tie, named for its similarity in shape, and hugely out of fashion.

As a result of this, you may want to consider renaming whatever it is they're wearing.

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

I really enjoyed these lines. Really good stuff. Personally I didn't have a problem with the kipper thing, but I just assumed it would be explained outside of the 13 line limit). It probably wouldn't be fast, but I'd be interested in reading the whole thing.

Also when a kipper is a small, smoked fish, it's delicious.

Posted by wad (Member # 2871) on :

Fun 13 lines, I thought. I'd like to read more.

One comment: Too many paragraphs are starting with "I". Vary word order a bit, perhaps?

PS: We used to buy cases of "kipper snacks" from Costco. A little tin of smoked herring, you peel back the lid and extract the fish from the oil. Eat with the most tasteless crackers you can locate. Delicious.

\/\/ /-\ [)

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

I think the first 13 is works well, and it definately gets me hooked.

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

All right people, I finnally got my internet back up and running. It was screwed up the day after I sent this (weird).

Anywho, I just sent it out to those who said they would like to read more. I don't know if this means they want me to send the whole manuscript to them, or it was merely a positive criti...critizm...critiscm--oh who cares.

P.S. I realize now that I do use to many paragraphs that start with I's. I'll try to fix that.

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

For some reason, i can't send any Emails out. It's twelve o'clock, so I'll have to figure out why it doesn't work after school tommorow. My sincere apologies.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited September 30, 2005).]