Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Non fiction An African Sunset feed back please

This is topic Non fiction An African Sunset feed back please in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Shadowen (Member # 2840) on :

The Rhapsody of life played before my eyes as I gazed at the sunset, the pinks and oranges of the fading day melting into the final burst of bright blue as the Sun gently kissed the day goodbye.Filtered light danced in the shadows of the acacia trees teasing the ever lengthining shadows, the haunting call of the Fish Eagle filled the air, and the ripples on the lake glinted like diamonds in the fading light.

Pulling the night behind it a gentle breeze meandered through the tree tops and playfully caressed the leaves and grass causing them to sway, to me it seemed as if they were waving a thankyou to the gentle wind for bringing some relief from the sweltering day. On its back it carried the fragrance of the days end, the sweet and cool of the lake, the dryness and powdery softness of the dust and the acrid heat of the dying day.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2005).]

Posted by Skynyrd (Member # 2875) on :

With a beginning like that it has to be a novel. Well done! Only thing I noticed is "Thankyou". I think you meant, "Thank you". Other than that I was quite impressed.

Do you spell it that way when referring to "Thank You" as a noun? I don't believe I've ever seen that.

[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 19, 2005).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey, another Aussie.
Welcome.

The images in the piece are thorough: colour, sound, movement, touch, taste and smell. You have appealed to all the senses.

Watch the commas. Make sure when you use them that it is a comma you need rather than a period. Make sure they are there when you need them too, like:

Pulling the night behind it,a gentle breeze...

Words like rhapsody are strong so make sure it is the word you mean. To me it represents uninterrupted fugue, somnambulant bliss, ecstasy.

I will read on but would be expecting an introduction to the character pretty soon.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 29, 2005).]

Posted by Vultus (Member # 2887) on :

This introduction to the scenery seems to hint that it will play an important role in whatever story is to follow. I think you would find it reads better if you try replacing some of the adjectives or verbs with oddballs. For example: 'caressed' could be 'tickled'. This is not meant to modify the tone of your piece, merely a suggestion to obtain a more interesting grab in your introduction.

To Skynyrd: I believe the 'thankyou' was intentionally misspelt to draw the eye to it. I agree that it is not a good idea to change literary convention like this, but sometimes is suits the style, as with the odd capitalization. I found most of 'Pride and Prejudice' (Jane Austen) to be written in a way that almost all of the nouns could have been capitalized and it would have only made the novel more hilarious than it is already.

[This message has been edited by Vultus (edited September 27, 2005).]

Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :

Images are good but sentences are too complex.