Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Hypersentients

This is topic Hypersentients in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001351

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

Helix plunged into the three-dimensional bands, chasing Mother, who claimed sentience thrived even here. Stratum by stratum, he passed planes differing little from one to another. Mother shifted direction, straddling planes in nine dimensions, twisting her hypercoils into blue spheres housing infernos. Helix pondered her actions.

Mother's core pulsed. "This way."

Helix followed her across infinite stratum. "What are we doing?"

"This is how you were born," she said.

Helix stopped. "I do not understand."

"You do not remember such a limited existence."

--------------------------------------
Okay, I know I'm not supposed to do this, posting first 13 of an unfinished story. But I'm uncertain about this prologue, where I brief setup using two nine-dimensional non-human creatures. I'm not sure if I know how to write from a non-human POV, although my 'take' will be 'translated' into human-like terms.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2005).]

Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :

One quibble: stratum is singular and strata is plural. Thus it would be infinite strata and not infinite stratum.

Otherwise it works for me.

[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited September 18, 2005).]

Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :

Couple of crits:

First off: ‘three-dimensional bands’ sounds cool at first but then I thought about the fact that pretty much everything is three-dimensional, so that description seemed less exciting than I had thought at first. It also clashes a bit with the later statement that Mother straddled ‘planes in nine dimensions.’ It just seemed a little off to me.

Also, when you describe the planes as ‘differing little from one to another’ it sounds a little awkward. I don’t think that there’s anything technically wrong with the sentence, but rather that it’s a little bland compared to all the exotic imagery.

Additionally I felt a little jolted out of the story when Helix spoke to Mother. The fact that they could communicate just didn’t jibe with the idea of chasing. In fact the whole opening became a little less exciting when I realized it wasn’t a real chase. Maybe it’s just that I was expecting one thing and found another, but I think you need some explanation of why you’re using the word ‘chase,’ or another word.

The piece does have some really nice images in it. The line “Mother shifted direction, straddling planes in nine dimensions, twisting her hypercoils into blue spheres housing infernos,” is phenomenal, but these lines don’t sell me the story. I think the action needs to be ramped up a little perhaps, there needs to be more tension between Helix and Mother, something like that.

I hope that helps.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Simply asserting that a being exists in higher dimensions doesn't mean that it is hyper-sentient.

At a more basic level, do you usually write about humans plunging through two dimensional planes which differ little from one to another? So why are you writing about these beings in this fashion? If you're going to have to translate everything into a more human context anyway, why not try something that gives us equivalents rather than trying for literalism?