Here's the opening 13 lines of a story I started this morning. The whole story is nowhere near complete, but I've got a good 500 word start on it. Tell me what ya think. I'll take help on this bit and also the whole thing. _________________________
“It won’t hurt a bit, honey,” the lady from the Homeland Security Department said as she rubbed the alcohol soaked ball of cotton on my wrist. I had the feeling that she was lying to me. Unfortunately, I was allergic to every anesthetic they had on hand, so I had no choice. I had to bite the bullet and take it like a man. She poised her scalpel for incision. “Are you ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied glumly, trying not to look. It was a bit hard to keep my eyes off the spectacle, however. I get shots every once in a while, but it’s not every day that you get a computer chip imbedded under your skin. But I knew that if I watched, it would only hurt that much more. I closed my eyes and turned my head and soon I felt the cool blade pressing against my skin.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 11, 2005).]
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
Okay, to
quote:I closed my eyes and turned my head and soon I felt the cool blade pressing against my skin.
seems to be 14 lines, so I'll look at that much.
This is okay as far as it goes, although both "bite the bullet" and "take it like a man" stuck out as cliches. That might of course be deliberate and essential to the narrator's voice, so I'll just note it and move on.
Generally, this just feels a little flat. The narrator being allergic to all the anaesthetics didn't work for me--it seems like a stretch of plausibility to try to bring some tension into the scene. Unfortunately, it doesn't really work. The narrator doesn't much like the procedure, but apart from that we don't know anything about how he feels about it. There's no tension or conflict and so the opening feels flat.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You might want to put this chip somewhere else, unless you have a really good reason for putting it in the wrist. Currently, prototypes for these kinds of devices are placed somewhere that has a good bit of subcutaneous fat (that also might make this scene a little more interesting ).
Also, if they are doing this everywhere, then it wouldn't be ladies from Homeland Security doing the actual insertions. Homeland Security exists more to coordinate the efforts of existing organizations.
You're writing could be a bit tighter in places.
Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :
I suspect that the whole allegry thing is just there to color the scene. I so, skip it. Then you could perhaps start like this:
* * * * *
It’s not every day that you get a computer chip imbedded under your skin.
"Are you ready?" the lady from the Homeland Security Department said as she rubbed the alcohol soaked ball of cotton on my wrist.
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied glumly. But I knew that if I watched, it would only hurt that much more. I closed my eyes and turned my head and soon I felt the cool blade pressing against my skin.
* * * *
Posted by Guy Koehler (Member # 2758) on :
"Invasion of Privacy" is certainly well supported by "Homeland Security", "chip", and "implantation". The question is: If I were to pull this story off the bookstore shelf and read these first few lines, would they be enough to engage my interest? Would I read more?
I was not intrigued by the character, an unusual delimma, or unique language, so unfortuantely, I probably would not. But, you certainly have a lot of promising ideas to work with. I am guessing this story will be about how Homeland Security uses subcutaneous microchips to track American citizens. The question is: Who is the main character, what is his challenge, why is he interesting, and how can you sum that up in 13 lines such that you'll hook me into reading more.
Don't give up on this premise, because I think it could definitely go in some very interesting directions.
Posted by Valtam (Member # 2833) on :
Where would a better place be for the chip? I've read about prototypes being imbedded in peoples hands.
Posted by Valtam (Member # 2833) on :
Here are the opening 13 lines reworked. Hopefully this will be a better hook for the story. ------------ “It won’t hurt a bit, honey,” the lady from the health department said as she rubbed the alcohol soaked ball of cotton on my wrist. I had the feeling that she was lying to me. She poised her scalpel for incision. “Are you ready?” “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied glumly, trying not to look. I could scarcely believe that those idiots in D.C. allowed this. However, despite my distaste and distrust of all this, it was a bit hard to keep my eyes off the spectacle. I get shots every once in a while, but it’s not every day that you get a computer chip imbedded under your skin. But I knew that if I watched, it would only hurt that much more. I closed my eyes and turned my head and soon I felt the cool blade pressing against my skin. A short, sharp pain flared up, then I felt something slide under the skin. ------------
Is this better?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 12, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hand? Maybe, though I hadn't heard of that. Upper arm in the fat covering the triceps is more likely. If you have a definite reason to put this in the wrist...the answer is still no. There just isn't anywhere to put it. The wrist is completely full of bone, joint cartilage, blood vessels, nerves, tendons, and whatnot. It just isn't a good place.
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
All seems a bit complicated to me. Why not just have the chip being implanted by injection, as when animals are chipped? This scene could be much more chilling if there were no interactions between the narrator and the woman doing the implant. Just swab, jab, next!
Posted by Valtam (Member # 2833) on :
The site I found the "chip in the hand" stuff is the Weekly World News kind of crazy consipracy theories and such. I think I've read it in more legitimate news, though.
Having it in the hand would make it easier to be scanned by whoever would need to see your ID, without picking up interference from other chips. If you got pulled over, for example it would be easier and safer for the cop if the suspect to simply put his hand out to be scanned rather than having the cop reach his arm into the car to scan the suspect's arm. Since this chip is a credit card, drivers license, social security card, and passport all rolled into one, the hand seems like a better place for it.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
How about injecting it into the fleshy part of the palm at the base of the thumb? If it were there, it shouldn't interfere too much when you have to grip something, especially if it is in the hand that isn't dominant.
Posted by maria102182 (Member # 2829) on :
You need to establish more conflict in the beginning. Instead of what you have, something on the line of he (or she) remembering when they did this to their dog. It's not everyday you get tagged like a dog ect. ect. Something like that. But I agree I like this idea.
Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :
I liked your re-write; the whole thing made me wanna flinch, though!
The only thing I would eye is the double "this", as in:
quote:those idiots in D.C. allowed this. However, despite my distaste and distrust of all this,
Best,
Varishta
Posted by thexmedic (Member # 2844) on :
I think most of the major points have been covered by other people, but I just wanted notpick about the word 'glumly.' It just seemed out of place, and too small a word. At least, it undermined the emotion the paragraph was making me feel (my huge phobia of needles and scapels should probably be mentioned at this point). If you feel you need a -ly word then I'd suggest something stronger, but honestly I think the sentence would be stronger without any adverb there at all.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Another problem with the hand is that anywhere you could put it without causing problems, a person could remove it and replace it with a fake (or someone else's chip) without much trouble.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Come to think of it, why would scanning a chip be any better than scanning a handprint or a retina?
You just want to gross us out with the idea of a scalpel slicing into someone's skin!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Well, if the chip had a transmitter so you could track someone, that would be useful. And that's the main point of such chips now.
The thing is, it's not useful for it to be anywhere in the lower arm in that case. That's all.
).