Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short story opening

This is topic Short story opening in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by wordslinger (Member # 2863) on :

Light shot through the picketing evergreens like exploding strobes, their shrapnel stabbing at Fred’s eyes. But the blinding light show was the last thing on his mind. He down shifted, slowing his bike to pull off the road. The vintage Harley rumbled in protest, after all it was made for speed and the open road, but it obeyed and came to a stop next to the old fashioned gas pump. Fred dismounted and put his gloved hands on his hips, bending back in a much needed stretch. He looked at the rustic store front. Lockford General Store. Never, had he imagined his first trip to Arkansas would be for a funeral.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

If the light is the last thing on Fred's mind, why are you opening with that? Open with what's important to him.

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

I have to agree with Beth on the opening sentence. Also, I get wary when the "place that time forgot" motif is used in a story set in the South. Just for once I'd like to see someone pull up to a shiny new B&P station.

The last line was what finally hooked me.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm not hooked. Guy pulls up to a gas station; very ordinary, of course. Never had he imagined that his first visit to AR would be for a funeral: funerals are also very ordinary. So is Arkansas!

What's the cool thing about this story? Start there, maybe.

Posted by Guy Koehler (Member # 2758) on :

I found the first sentence very interesting, and wanted to know what kind of light would act like shrapnel, and what is creating it. First thing I thought of was UFO, aliens, maybe something involving space/time punctures, etc.

But, with light like shrapnel, I expected him to fall off, or careen out of control; instead, he pulls off lazily to a service station and tells me he's thinking about a funeral. What's the connection?

The shrapnel light intrigues me. The funeral does not, unless some creature comes out of the light and asks where the funeral is.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

It's a little heavy handed with the adjectives.

quote:
Light shot through the picketing evergreens like exploding strobes, their shrapnel stabbing at Fred’s eyes.

Here you have shooting light (someone has a gun!) through picketing evergreens (is this a picket fence... or is it picketing protesters?) Then there are exploding (bombs) strobes (no, black-light poster sets!), their shrapnel (back to bombs again) stabbing (eek! now we are in hand-to-hand combat) at Fred's (Fred? how can such a mundane name be used in all this weird excitement?) eyes.

My brain can't absorb all this jumping around of description. I suggest you figure out ONE theme to use as a metaphor, and go with that. It will smooth out your writing if you don't overwhelm us with too much vivid imagery, especially all in the same sentence. Use it like spice, not concrete.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited September 12, 2005).]

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

I've noticed a lot of the time here on this forum that a writer's grab line turns out to be the 13th line >Never, had he imagined his first trip to Arkansas would be for a funeral< so grab hold of it and make it your 1st line. That said, I did like the quality of the writing in your original opening sentence.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Are Harleys built for speed?
I dunno. I'm not much into bikes, but I thought they were more of a comfort machine. Bikes made for speed sound like Suzuki's or Yamaha's to me.

And, how it protested against pulling over. Well, they have brakes and things like that for a reason. They do tend to have to stop quite frequently.

Apart from that, I thought it was quite interesting.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Harleys are the biggest, baddest boys when it comes to motorcycles. They are big and powerful. I'm not a motorcycle rider, nor even a fan, but the impression I have is that compared to a suzuki, a Harley is like a corvette next to a honda civic.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

well, my impression is that a harley to a suzuki is more like a bentley to a ferrari.

But, like I said, I'm not an expert.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Vintage Harleys tend to have smaller engines than modern ones. In general, roadster type bikes run at lower rpms and produce the "chopper" sound rather than the zooming whine of racing bikes. There are exceptions, naturally, but both modern and vintage Harleys tend to define the "roadster" style.

I have to say, I found something a little off in the description of the bike too. For one thing, it's unwise to "engine brake" while riding a motorcycle. It hurts your engine and transmission, wastes fuel, and applies braking force only to the rear wheel--which is especially dangerous with a motorcycle. That's why the clutch and front brake are placed as they are, so that you tend to use both at the same time. Also, it isn't like a good motorcycle will protest a reduction in speed, though it might protest being abused. It's true that motorcycles generally handle better at higher speeds, but this is not such a factor with vintage Harleys, which tend to be fairly light and are very well engineered.

Posted by wordslinger (Member # 2863) on :

Well, I didn;t mean for this to become a Harley debate, but as an everyday motorcycle rider for the past 40 years, I have to set some of this straight.

On vintage bikes it is always the perfered method to down shift for slowing. Brakes are for quick stops, because you weren't paying attention, or for comming to a complete stop after down shifting. Show me a biker that uses his/her brakes everytime they need to slow, I'll show you someone that doesn't know how to ride. Not to mention that the mechanical brakes of the time weren't what brakes are today and even today if you slow without down shifting you lug the motor causing a lot more damage to the motor.

Also, vintage Harleys don't have the clutch located on the handle bars and their shifter is by hand.

If you have ever down shifted from highway speeds you no what the line, protested about slowing means, the motor will in crease in speed causing more sound and you will lurch forward as your bike suddenly slows. It definantly feels and sounds like a protest.

If you have ever rode a bike in the mountains you will know also that the exploding light beams on the the protags eyes was just that, explosions on his eyes and brain.

I have to agree that the line about it not being on his mind is very wrong though, and will be cut and I'm changing the last linethe hook)to read:

"I never thought my first trip to Arkansas would be to meet my dead uncle."
I might also move it to become the first line for a quicker hook,(is quicker a word?) as was suggested.

I might have to pull the words vintage Harley all together, since it seems to distract from the point, although it is meant as a means of character discription.

Thanks for all the help!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You might want to be more clear about the specific oddities of this vintage Harley in your text, then. I've never seen one that old. By "vintage" I thought you meant something from the sixties or around then

By the way, I never downshift as a means of slowing down a motorcycle. Ever. I don't ride vintage Harleys that have their clutches placed in some odd place, so I've never needed to do something like that. And if you don't have to do it, it's not a good idea. The reason that motorcycle controls ended up the way they did is specifically because it is better to slow down using a variable resistance brake with the engine disengaged from the transmission, and it isn't safe to brake a motorcycle using only resistance on the rear wheel.

Sure, I can engine brake. It isn't difficult. I choose never to do so, because it's a bad idea if you have a reasonable alternative. It's just like I can ride without using my hands (which I actually do sometimes, because it's fun--unlike engine braking). I do sometimes hear other motorcyclists engine braking, and I wonder where they learned to so something so silly.

This doesn't have anything to do with writing, it's just by way of a public service announcement. "Engine braking, though apparently necessary on some ancient machines, is not an advisable method for deccelerating a motorcycle."