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John peeled off the computer headset—and immediately felt his gut’s painful spasms. Tears filled his eyes, but somehow he stopped them from falling.
Oh crap. He had forgotten to eat before he plugged in.
He crawled off the mattress, holding his stomach with one hand. A fresh wave of convulsions wracked his body. He almost fell as he crawled out the doorway.
This could be bad. Visions of media coverage on his death ran through his mind: Seventeen-year old John Morne starved to death in his own house…
Stop being dramatic. He focused on crawling.
Almost there.
He reached out a hand—shaking now, nearly flat on his stomach—and pulled open the refrigerator. The first shelf held ten syringes. He grabbed one with a shuddering fist, and stabbed it clumsily into his forearm. The syringe gave a beep, and he felt a sharp pain as the substance flowed into him.
He passed out.
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited August 31, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 05, 2005).]
I'd skip the paragraph on visions of media coverage. If he's in really awful shape, he'll be thinking only of the moment (as I would prefer to, being the reader).
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The underlined text links to a couple of pages that explain how to do everything this board can do, and a few things it can't.
I'm a little puzzled by the fact that John would be capable of performing a gross motor action like peeling off his headset, but wouldn't feel his hunger pangs before the headset was off. It also makes no sense that he would feel hunger pangs, caused by contractions of the stomach, when he was getting his nutrition by means of injection anyway. And it makes even less sense that he would be able to get nutrition from an intra-muscular injection in his arm, which is implied.
Really, a feeding tube would seem the most obvious possible solution here. Also, an interface that didn't actually cut off his somatic responses entirely would seem reasonable, though I can see your reasons for avoiding it. Still, having someone wake up in this fashion is almost cliche by now.
I am attempting to have the nature of the technology become apparent simply by the way that it is treated/used by the characters. Not sure how well that works.
The cliche comment interests me. Novels? Short stories? Which ones/what site could I read them at?
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 02, 2005).]
Not being considerably well knowledged in science, I'll leave that to others. Can't wait to hear the rest, as I said, so send it my way when you finish. Email's in my profile.
I guess that the "hook" here is supposed to be the novelty of the idea that this character is losing touch with the real world as anything other than the unpleasant place where he keeps his meat alive. It just isn't that novel to me anymore. I need more, and I need it to be solid.
Here's my thoughts on the syringes (and I might be totally off, it's just the first thing that popped into my mind): there is still real food around, possibly on the other shelves of his refridgerator, that he eats when he's not plugged in, because it's healthier and tastier. It's only when he's in real trouble that he has to use the syringes, or when he doesn't have a lot of time on his hands.
That's what I got out of it, anyway. Which, unfortunately, contradicts almost everything that came before me, but you can't please everyone. Just thought I'd stir things up a bit, eh?
quote:
don't let Coolios get to you. He's trolling.
Ah, but is that Coolios the VII or Coolios the VIII?
First real story I've completed (the other ones weren't really entire stories.. though they were completed).
!
By all means please send it though because I am hooked. MysticJAC10@hotmail.com
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited September 06, 2005).]
I'll ask him.
1] This Alien Shore, by C.S.Friedman has some wired hackers who deal realistically with the issues of being online for too long, or in the wrong environments. The relevant passages are about half-way through, after the protagonist arrives on the second space station. Snowcrash is another novel which deals with some of these scenarios.
2] When I was writing software as a living, it was not unusual for me to work for far too long without eating. I would be so fully immersed in my virtual world that I would forget time, external stimuli, anything and everything that was not directly involved with my code. If I went too long without eating, I would suddenly lose my concentration and fall out of that mental space. I at times felt dizzy, woozy, saw tiny bursts of light in my field of vision, and even felt a bit light-headed, but I never fell to my knees or felt in danger of it. Even after an all nighter playing Diablo (a computer game), or building 3d virtual worlds, there were always cookies, twinkies, hoo-hoos (think chocolate covered cake with cream filling), and all sorts of other quick fixes close at hand. I even had a small refrigerator in my office jammed with Stouffers and other quick meals to heat in my very own microwave. There might have been an apple somewhere nearby, but I wouldn't swear to it.
Good luck with your story. I hope this bit of meandering helps.
Should I put the editted version in a new post with its own 13 lines, or leave this one?
[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 10, 2005).]
In a world of online junkies diabetis could be an epidimic.
Just a thought
I'm looking for readers for this version (2800 words). I've tried to improve the things that were pointed out to me.
Sidenote: I'm not going for an emotional reaction from the reader. I just want to show some of John's traits before continuing. If it feels like this opener is reaching for emotions that it doesn't deserve, I need to fix it.
And.. POV.. It switches back to the one used above as soon as the new opener is done (two paragraphs after the excerpt).
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There was a knock on the classroom door. Thirty students shifted in their desks to look as the principal stepped in.
“I need to speak with John Morne outside.” He was a tall, broad-shouldered man.
John walked up from his desk in the back. The student beside John opened his mouth to speak. John motioned him to silence and walked past the principal out the door. The man followed him and shut the door behind them.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”
* * * * *
It took four teachers to pry John off his principal. His right hand took three surgeries to repair—half the bones were replaced with plastic. The locker he smashed was... (end of line 13)
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[This message has been edited by Noctivigant (edited September 13, 2005).]
I'm curious, but only about 5-6 on a scale of 10. The reason for the medium interest score is because it is not immediately apparent what the SFF element is.
That it takes four trained adults to pry a student off an authority figure tells me something extraordinary just happened, but what? It's the what which catches my interest, as well as wanting to know what it is about this student that enables him such strength of will.
Question: Can you sum up in one, or at most two sentences exactly what the challenge is that your protagonist is facing? Is there a way to weave that into the first thirteen lines?
I think the lines below could use some tightening. I've taken a stab at it to show you what I mean.
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There was a knock on the classroom door. Thirty students shifted in their desks to look as the principal stepped in.
// could cut "shifted in their desks". It's assumed students are in their desks or at lab stations, so this phrase doesn't really add additional information or setting that isn't already implied by "principal".
// "to look" is an exceedingly weak verb. It begs the question, Look in what manner?
“I need to speak with John Morne outside.” He was a tall, broad-shouldered man.
// One could combine the first two paragraphs as, "The principal, a tall, broad-shouldered man, stepped into the classroom, and said, "I need to speak with John Morne - outside."
John walked up from his desk in the back. The student beside John opened his mouth to speak but didn’t when John raised his hand to silence the query. John walked past the principal and out the door. The principal followed him and shut the door behind them.
// I don't find interesting that a student wants to say something, or that John stalls him. It tells me nothing about the character, John or the plot. Same goes for the whole walking and following the principal outside bit. One might consider using this word count to establish at least a foreshadowing of the plot.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”
// Excellent line. It would be far more powerful if the prior lines had established what the basic world, plot, SFF elements were, even if only a vague foreshadowing hint. Something to provide context.
* * * * *
It took four teachers to pry John off his principal. His right hand took three surgeries to repair—half the bones were replaced with plastic. The locker he smashed was...
// The first sentence is a strong emotional action. the second is possibly important depending on how the rest of the story uses it to move the characterization and denouement forward. The third feels like overkill.
Best of luck with your story. These are, of course just my random thoughts. Only you know how to best introduce and move forward your story. The true test is what the unwashed readers vote with their dollars.
Kind regards,
Guy
I hesitate to tell you, because I don't want you to take it out , but I think you've got one, in the violence.
Suggestion: don't have the 4 adults pry John off; use another word. I pictured them with a shoehorn, and thought, oh: a principal must be some sort of device.
And, as guy said, tell us up front what John's freaked about (if the POV character knows it). Who's the POV character, anyway? We should know.
I am tempted to respond more, but I will put that in the next rewrite instead.
I'm afraid that you're not showing us much about John, since the stimulus that provokes his reaction is unknown. Anyone will attack an authority figure under the right circumstances, and anyone can smash their metacarpels by punching something hard enough(there are some people that won't do this, I'm one of them).
All we really know is that John is a student and either he or the principle was a tall, broad-shouldered man. We can guess that John is the same character from the first opening, so it seems that John spends days at a time "plugged in." We don't get that from the new opening, though.
This story will come back to haunt the forum after I have done a few more rewrites.
[This message has been edited by Skynyrd (edited September 18, 2005).]
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