Alright, this is just a simple science fiction story. It's just about 1400 words total, and I do realize the beginning isn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world, which is something I'd like to improve on. So please, give me your email adress and I'll be glad to send the full piece your way. Also, as mentioned in the subject, I'm in need of a title. While considerably less important than the story itself, it can't hurt to have one, so I'd really like some suggestions on that. Anyways, enough babble, and on to the story:
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He and Amelia had planned it all out the night before. He simply couldn’t stand it any more; the pain and sufferings of being poor on this miserable planet were just too much for him. And while Amelia may have believed him mad for thinking to escape, if it was her brother’s wish, so be it. She would do anything for him.
So thus, Travis found himself in the hull of one of the many unmanned flights between his planet, Manell, and Utopia. Space travel was dangerous these days, especially as a stowaway. The unmanned trading flights were almost certainly the only ships not under threat due to the war. Of course, it wasn’t as if anyone knew exactly what the war was over. It had been waged on and off for over a century and a half, and all Travis knew was that he was living on a wasteland without reason to support it, when the perfect world was just a hop skip and a jump away.
[This message has been edited by Firebird (edited August 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited September 04, 2005).]
Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :
Ah, what the heck - at a measly 1400 words I'd be happy to look at it. I haven't been able to write a short story that, eh, short, for many a long year. So the fact that you can tell a story at that length is already a brownie point on your favor.
I won't bother commenting here on your opening lines; others will do that in due course. I'll just wait until I get the whole thing.
One thing I will say though, is this: yes, your fragment is 13 lines as it appears here on this domain page, but that isn't the same as 13 manuscript lines (meaning Courier type face at pt 12, 1" margins) which roughly works out at between 8 and 10 lines on this website. I've noticed - how can I say this - quite a few folk taking liberties with the definition of the 13 line rule.
You can find my email by clicking on the profile icon above this comments box (the one with the face and question mark.)
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
I think I've edited my original post to just about fit the 13 line requirement, and now I've sent the rest of the story on your way. Can't wait to hear your feedback!
EDIT: Eh, so it's 22 lines. I'm an evil demon, what can I say?
[This message has been edited by Firebird (edited August 30, 2005).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I bet you can teach us lots of cool new curses and stuff...though you probably shouldn't.
Start with your character's name. Concentrate on this scene, if it doesn't take place in this scene, then don't put it there. Give us a setting.
I'll go ahead and relent on the second point, with a helpful loophole. Thoughts occur at particular times and places as well. As long as it is your POV character's thought, and your character has a POV reason for having that thought at that particular point, you can put it in. Still, don't abuse this loophole.
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
I understand what you're saying about the first sentance, and:
"Travis, with much help on Amelia’s part, had planned it all out the night before."
seems to fix that problem. My only qualm is whether or not that flows as well. Of course, I'm relatively stubborn about criticism, especially legitimate criticism, so that just may be my personal bias creeping in.
As far as your second point goes, I think I'll abuse the loophole. My father's a lawyer, so I know how that works.
Ignore the obvious fact that there was no connection there.
Anyways, I'm figuring that the fact that he is waiting in the hull of the ship with nothing to do but stare at very boring, very dark walls is an excuse for him to think of whatever comes to mind. And what better to think of then what caused him to be there?
I dunno. I'm just babbling on evily, as usual.
Get used to it.
*starts making the Excorcist noises*
Ack, sorry, couldn't resist.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
You could mention that in the text of your story. As it is, you don't. Don't assume that your reader will assume the exact same things you assumed. That's a triple no-no.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
Is it "he and Amelia," or "Amelia and he?" My memories of grammar rules are dusty...
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
"So thus, Travis found himself in the hull of one of the many unmanned flights between his planet, Manell, and Utopia. With nothing to do but stare blankly at the walls, he had begun to assess his situation, and where he was headed"
Does that work better for explaining the thoughts? That'd be at the start of the second paragraph.
As for the grammar, I'm pretty sure it's "He and Amelia." I don't have any real backing there, but Word seemed to like it, and it sounds right when you say it out loud, whereas "Amelia and he," sounds awkward and strange.
But, you know, I might be wrong.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Describe the walls. Describe the space they enclose. If you can, give me a reason to believe that this unmanned flight has a place where a human stowaway could survive an interstellar journey, without breaking up your POV for the scene.
Grammatically, using a pronoun before you specify the noun that pronoun references is a reference error. Both "He and Amelia" and "Amelia and he" are incorrect.
Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :
"So thus" bugs me. Not sure why, but it does. Should be one or the other. Just my impression.
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
"With nothing to do but stare blankly at the walls, he had begun to assess his situation, and where he was headed. It was of the utmost importance to know which nook or cranny formed from the boxes lining the walls would be the best hiding spot, should the need arise."
And as for "So thus," I've changed it to simply "Thus,".
Thanks for the comments, and more critiques on the intro and/or requests for the whole thing would be much appreciated!
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
If it's unmanned, how come there's air for him to breathe?
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
umm...
*dissapears in a puff of logic*
I've gotta go go take a shower, so I'll be thinking about that one.
EDIT: How does "A World of Hope" sound for a title, if only a temporary one?
[This message has been edited by Firebird (edited September 01, 2005).]
Posted by Noctivigant (Member # 2843) on :
I'd like to read it (email in profile). Very new with this kind of thing, so don't expect too much. I'll give it my attention, though.
Posted by Firebird (Member # 2846) on :
I'm sending it your way now.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Firebird, what's the story about? (Rhetorical question.) What's the cool part? Start there. I think.
I suspect it's something that happens after the stowing away, and that you started too early. If it's during liftoff, I'd say, start there.
Posted by maria102182 (Member # 2829) on :
I agree with the idea that you start with the wall, and move to his thoughts. When I was reading it, I couldn't decide what the heck was going on. If that's a story device that's okay, but it's something you need to address within the next bit of the story, or your going to lose your reader.
Posted by ArCHeR (Member # 2067) on :
As far as the title bit goes, it's kinda hard to help you there without a general explanation of where you're going.
Right now, I'd suggest Path to Utopia, just for the double meaning.
Although, I would imagine that if this were real, naming a planet Utopia would be horrible bad luck...
Posted by Ze'ev Hurwich (Member # 2853) on :
Well I am a bit confused with this story. L like how you catch the attention of people by jumping straight into the story. However the wording needs tweaking, and I need to really care whether Amelia and "He" are poor or not. Keep at it. Zev
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
My suggestion, fwiw, is to dig out a few of your favourite stories, and take a look at how they start. I imagine you'll find a lot of variety . You should however be able to start analysing why they start the way they do, and what the effect on you is as the reader.
Be warned, however. Once you start analysing what you read, you start to lose the ability to enjoy it quite as much.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
I have my moderator hat on at the moment. Your post is definitely in violation of the 13 line rule.
For future reference, an easy way to determine the correct length is to set up your first page according to standard manuscript format: i.e. 12 pt. Courier New font with 1" margins on all sides.
Thus, I am editing your segment to be in line with the rule.
Posted by Ze'ev Hurwich (Member # 2853) on :
Administor to the resque. Protecting truth justice and the Orson Scott Card way
Posted by SimonMRhees (Member # 2777) on :
1400 words eh? I'll go for that. If you're still looking for folks to read it, I'd like to.
Posted by treespirit (Member # 2856) on :
Add me to the readers list. I'm certainly interested.
I haven't been able to write a short story that, eh, short, for many a long year. So the fact that you can tell a story at that length is already a brownie point on your favor.