This is a completed fantasy short story, 2000 words, with the working title "By the Sword" (but I am open to suggestions, titles and last lines not being my forte). I'd welcome comments on either these 13 lines or the entire story. Thanks!
Hurin felt a stab of pity as he looked at Livia’s unconscious face. Sickness had torn away the fierce energy which had enlivened her features, and for the first time she looked old…and, frankly, ugly. One cheek sagged, all the teeth beneath it rotted away or knocked out by fists, and her twice-broken nose, which she liked to call “patrician”, had grown in prominence while the rest of her face had retreated into lines and folds. Hurin was glad that no one else was seeing her like this: Livia the Conqueror, now Livia the Crone.
But Hurin’s spirit was barren ground for gentler feelings, and his true pity was short-lived. “Poor Livia,” he murmured, taking her cold, flaccid hand. “You should have died in battle, in your prime. The gods are cruel.” He thought of her when he had first seen her, at the waning of her great days, never beautiful but with a power of character that took his breath away. And so lonely. She had been ready for Hurin. Now, he thought regretfully, the time when they could profit each other was finished.
Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :
It's interesting. I'd definitely keep reading to discover more about the relationship between Hurin and Livia.
I'll give it a read if you would like to send it to me.
That title does need work. I have two different books in my library by that title (a history of swordsmanship -- mostly Olympic fencing -- by Richard Cohen and a novel by Greg Costikyan).
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If there are two other books by this title, there are more. That isn't necessarily a problem, though. Title's don't have to be entirely unique, though it can help a book stand out a little.
I'm more worried that you didn't set the scene at all. It would be easy, don't you think? After all, Livia's current location is just as much a part of her conditions as the sickness and age that have defeated her. And Hurin is as much there as he is with her.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Would adding something like "Hurin sat by Livia's sickbed and felt a stab of pity," etc, be enough, or does it need to be more detailed? If more, where would be the least intrusive place to add description? I'm having trouble adding the setting gracefully and I don't know how to fix it. Arg!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Specifying that she's on a sickbed rather than in a chair or a beir is a good start. But I think I need to know where this is more than I need to have details of the immediate surroundings. Putting in a few more of those details would be fine, though.
Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :
remove the "knocked out by fists" it's not needed. Also makes a little confussing since you say sickness had aged her etc but then metion battle wounds. I would keep reading, but also would like to see a bit more of a setting as already metioned.
Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :
"Hurin felt a stab of pity" was a bit jagged for me, as well. I'm always weeding out "So-and-so felt such-and-such emotion" because I realise A) I use it waaaay too much, and B) the emotion can sometimes be conveyed more solidly with action.
As to location: I envisioned they were outside on a rocky outcrop, for some reason(!)
Super opener, overall, though. I'm open to reading it sometime later this week, if you still need another opinion.
Best,
Varishta
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
I am still looking for comments on the whole story if you've got time, Varishta. What's your email address? I'll send it over.
Posted by maria102182 (Member # 2829) on :
I agree that more setting would help, because I'm not quite sure what to do with this scene. I can't even tell if the woman is alive or not. If their outside on a rocky outcropping, is this her funeral and they are burning her body? Something along those lines would be good. However, I must say that this beginning has me totally intreged, and mentioning the battle wounds is good, though maybe they should be contrasted with the sickness. I would totally keep reading this story.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
If you still want a reader for the whole thing, send it to me (e-mail's in my profile).
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Same. Email's also in the profile.
Posted by Chessna (Member # 2703) on :
I agree with all of the above. I can't stand when I don't know where the events are happening; I feel lost. I'll read the story. Send it to Chessna13@yahoo.com.
I'm open to reading it sometime later this week, if you still need another opinion.