Here are the thirteen lines again if you didn't get them the first time:

"You bend down and feel her neck to check if she is still alive," said the healer, "because you aren't that sick. And her skin is so soft, such a beautiful milky pale. At least Asians had one good quality about them. You pick up her unconscious body, drag her to the shadows of the alley were no one will see..."

"Shuuut uuuup!"
I screamed it again, yelling curses and anything my mind could think of. I only wanted him to keep quiet. But the Healer simply raised his voice in a convicting tone of loathing, so I would hear his words.

In a few minutes, my voice became hoarse. It was only until I started couging blood when the Healer was able to repeat my crimes in the same specific detail without worrying about my desperated interruptions.

Over and over again he repeated the scenes throughout the day, and over and over, my conscience begged me to listen.

Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited August 21, 2005).]
 

I'll read if you want.

[This message has been edited by Ray (edited August 21, 2005).]
 

That's all.

P.S. plus you can read it for your own enjoyment (I mean, if it is good).
 

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited August 22, 2005).]
 

3.

If I have to read something three times through to get a jist of what is going on, then I am putting down the book by the end of my first read. Have some respect for Elan. If you don't want help with your writing or you are scared to hear what people have to say, then get off this board because you are here with only the purpose of disrespecting Elan and others.

No, I'm not a kissass, but I don't just follow rules, I enforce them with conviction, especially when others enforced them upon me with conviction, which I do appreciate.

 

No thanks, I dont think I want to read 16,000 words of that. Especially since you dont even seem to have read it yourself.

Want to know why people are dissing you a little on here? I think your attitude is coming over as a little bit 'Read my stuff, it's great. You will really enjoy it because I am brilliant at writing. It's not often you'll get to see something as class as this'.

Now you might not really be thinking all of that. But it's how your post comes over.

I score 3 as well. But dont see how that's going to help much since you wont have anything to go on for making improvements. Maybe you were expecting a flood of 9's and 10's?

[This message has been edited by benskia (edited August 23, 2005).]
 

However good your ideas are--and this opening has potential--they will be dragged down by the spelling, homophone and other errors that are evident even in these few lines.

The more mistakes there are in a manuscript, the more any reader will be distracted from the story, and the more likely they are to put it down. My advice, FWIW, would be to improve your grasp of basic spelling and grammar so that your writing is no longer held back.
 

The only interesting thing that would keep me reading is to see how Storygiver is gonna push out 56 pages (double-spaced, 12 font) from this. To me, the opening seems to not lead on to something else, like he wrote the first thirteen lines to stand alone, while the rest of the story moves at a completely different pace.

[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 23, 2005).]
 

I don't mean that to be malicious, but the scene is just not portrayed competently, or with style.

In the first line, the second part of the healers sentence ("you aren't that sick"), without the reading knowing what's going on, that is a sharp contrast to the first part of the sentence. I assumed he was having a bout with some kind of illness, at first.

And even now, I am still not sure what this is supposed to mean. He raped an Asian girl, but he wanted to make sure she was alive first before raping her? He doesn't rape dead girls? Why would you deferentiate murder and rape with murder, rape and necrophilia? They are both equally sick. Saying 'not that sick' implies one is better than the other. If he was going to kill this girl anyway, wouldn't raping her after she was already dead at least save her the misery of having to live through the act?

Next, "Shuuuuut uuuuup:" to me, this seems like immature writing. Try something like: "Shut up," I said, drawing out both words.

With the extra letters is just seems cartoony for the serious scene you're trying to portray.

Also, when your protagonist screams shut up, you write him as having screamed it 'again.' This is the first time he's screaming it, as far as we, the reader, know. It doesn't make sense to say he's doing it again.

And, of course, the grammar and spelling.

We can all assume that "10" would mean "really good", but does it mean "really good for a novice" or "the best opening ever"? And where is "1"? Is it "bottom of the slushpile" or "barely publishable"?

I'll point out something that doesn't seem to have really been mentioned. Most people wouldn't enjoy reading this opening, even if the wordcraft were perfect. I mean, the subject material is really sick. I know that's the point, but it's also counterproductive. We'll all read (and praise) stories that contain horrible things. But we like to start somewhere a bit less horrible.

I'm not sure why people aren't saying that.
 

I always say, there's work for the author to do and there's work for the reader to do. Making the sentences accessible and getting the grammar and spelling right are the author's job. All the while the reader is fixing up the prose and guessing that "horse" probably means "hoarse", they're not engaged with the story. Put as few obstacles between the reader and the story as you can.