Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Hogobo

This is topic Hogobo in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

Please edit. Does it have a good rythm, is it easy to follow...

There are just these thirteen lines. I'm not able to send the rest of the manuscript
because I have it on a differnt computer.

"You bend down and feel her neck to check if she is still alive, because you aren't that sick. And her skin is so soft, such a beautiful milky pale. At least Asians had one good quality about them. You pick up her unconscious body, drag her to the shadows of the alley were no one will see..."

"SHUT UPPP!!!"
I screamed it again, yelling curses and anything my mind could think of. I only wanted him to keep quiet. But the Healer simply raised his voice in a convicting tone of loathing, so I would hear his words.

In a few minutes, my voice became horse, but I continued my hopeless ranting and raving. It was only until I started couging blood when the Healer was able to repeat my crimes in the same specific detail without worrying about my desperated interruptions.

Over and over again he repeated the scenes throughout the day, and over and over, my conscience begged me to listen.

Maybe it did happen? It would ask.

Thanks. I would be happy for any opinions.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited August 19, 2005).]

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

This is definetly interesting. It took me two reads to understand how the first a second paragraphs are connected -- that the Healer was saying those words. I'm not quite sure where the setting is; as a reader, I would want this issue resolved as soon as possible. I get the impression that this is some twisted institution for supposed-criminals (is that the setting?), and that the POV character is innocent. A little more framing of the situation -- that the Healer is talking in the begining, where they are -- would help me. The begining does grip me, and that first chunk of dialogue is definetly creepy...but just the right level of creepiness to make me morbidly interested in what's going on.

Posted by Thantos2000 (Member # 2795) on :

Yes very creepy. I would put this book down because of my fear of what's coming. This means you have an audience of those who will hold on to it.

Posted by jinkx (Member # 2798) on :

I love the first paragraph, it had me hooked from the beginning. I agree with Miriel, however, that you should explain that it is the healer who is talking. I was somewhat confused by the time the second paragraph rolled around, and I had to reread it in order to figure out that it was the healer who had been speaking and that your character had interrupted him.

Maybe it did happen? It would ask.

did you mean "I would ask."?

[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited August 20, 2005).]

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

I'm hooked. I do have two nitpicks.

First, it's "my voice became hoarse" not "horse."

Second, this is just personal, but when a person is yelling, it's the vowels that are carried for a long time, not the consonants. SHUT UUUP looks better to me, because the "p" is what ends the screaming.

It's not much, but I hope it helps.

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

No, it is "maybe it did happen," it asked.

But at the moment, I am smacking my forehead for not realizing sooner the two problems with the spelling.

Oh, and I have the Healer's voice italize, but i can't do in this...place, site, wherever I'm typing at the moment.

[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited August 20, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I didn't like it, but I think the reasons will be easy to fix.

Main reason: I didn't get till paragraph 4 what was happening. I think the best fix: tell us up front that the Healer is talking. Tell us really really soon that he's recounting a crime the narrator is supposed to have done. Maybe putting the Healer's words in past tense would do it; or, you could have the Healer say, "This is how it happened---somewhere inside you, you know it" or some such.

Much of this is summary. I suggest: don't tell us the narrator ranted and raved or screamed whatever came into his mind; show us (by giving the words that the narrator used, in dialog). Or else skip it -- "Shut up!" is pretty eloquent.

At least Asians had one good quality about them: would the Healer know that this is what narrator was thinking? WOuldn't he simply know the details of the crime?

Standard way of handling emphasis is italics. Extra !'s and ALL CAPS are non-standard. I don't think you need the spelling thing of SHUT UPPP or SHUT UUUP -- Shut up! works fine.

Over and over again he repeated the scenes throughout the day: to me, this is a GOOD use of summary. We don't want to experience the repetition -- it woudl be boring. (But we probably do want to experience the ranting and raving.)

over and over, my conscience begged me to listen: I'd prefer to experience one specific instance. Then you could add that it kept happening. I'm not sure about my advice here.

Once I got what was happening, I was as hooked as everyone else seems to be!

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited August 20, 2005).]

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

Storygiver, you CAN use italics on this site, but you have to insert them in your text as HTML code.

When you are posting a reply, you will see to the left hand side a little notice that says: UBB Code is ON. Note that it is underlined as a link. Click on the link and you will learn how to emphasize your writing.

Rule of thumb with HTML: Think of it as a switch. Turn it ON, then turn it OFF.
use the squarish brackets "[" and "]" to enclose the HTML command.
Turn it ON by typing the command, turn it OFF by placing a forward slash / prior to the command. Remember to always enclose the command in the square brackets.

The command for italics are an "i", bold is a "b". I can't display a proper example for you, but I'll use the underline to keep the sample from turning INTO the code: [_i_] is ON, and [_/i_] is OFF. Don't forget to delete the underline, however.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 21, 2005).]

Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :

This is better than your other post by the same name...Why 2 posts of close to the same story? That's a good way to start people not wanting to read your stuff (IMHO)