Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Dragon's Eyes

This is topic Dragon's Eyes in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

This is a short-story I just got back with a lovely, blue rejection slip. I was new to the forum when I sent it out, so I just had a sibling read it. I though I'd ask for a reader or two before picking a new market to send it to, now that it's back. After two rejections, I don't know if there's something wrong with it or not, or if I'm just being too ambitious with my market choices. Thanks in advance for your comments.

Dragon's Eyes -- 2,200 words

Drake let his feet dangle over his favorite cliff in Hell. He was mesmerized by the pit below, with its swirling translucent yellow and opaque red flames. It reminded him of the dragon's beautiful eyes before the beast killed him: it reminded him of home. Drake leaned back on his hands, and dug his fingers into the earth beneath the grass. He would sorely miss sitting on this cliff.

"You're going, aren't you?"

"Hello, Bendictus," Drake said without turning around. "I didn't hear you coming."

Bendictus huffed and settled himself carefully next to Drake, keeping his pudgy feet pulled up away from the cliff edge. "One day, my friend," he scolded, waving a thick finger at him, "you're going to fall off that cliff."

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

Hum! Sounds pretty interesting so far. I'm not an expert critic by any means, but would be happy to read the rest over the weekend.

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

Varishta -- thank you so much for being willing to read this for me! I tried to find your e-mail adress and it wasn't listed: where should I send it? Thanks again.

-- Miriel

Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :

Sounds good. Send it over and I would love to read it over.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Sounds interesting.

You can send it my way. I'm getting stuck on my WIP's so a break would be nice. I'll get it back to you by Monday, if that's ok with you.

My email is in my profile.

Thanks for your time.

-Monolith-

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Hmm...interesting. And, no outstanding flaws, though your style is a trifle terse for the subject matter. I'd like to read it.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Miriel, I think it's a good beginning. If the rest holds up, I'm sure you'll find a home for it eventually.

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

Oops, I need to fix that e-mail thingy.

Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 20, 2005).]

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I'll read it.

Posted by Smaug (Member # 2807) on :

I like where you seem to be going with this, and it catches my interest. There are a couple of suggestions I could make--and of course, they're only suggestions. Let me just comment within @@@ inside your text:

Drake let his feet dangle over his favorite cliff in Hell. @@@Consider instead of "let his feet dangle" using just "dangled". Also, consider bringing the fact that he's in Hell into the mix through some other means--either through conversation with the other person, or perhaps through some kind of action, so that we are slowly shown instead of told where he is.@@@

He was mesmerized by the pit below, with its swirling translucent yellow and opaque red flames. It reminded him of the dragon's beautiful eyes before the beast killed him: it reminded him of home.@@@Suggestion: try combining these two sentences, such as: "Mesmerized by the pit below, its swirling flames reminded him of the dragon's beautiful yellow and red eyes--just before it killed him."

Drake leaned back on his hands,@@@Consider dropping "on his hands". It's really implied by the following phrase, "and dug his fingers"@@@
and dug his fingers into the earth beneath the grass. He would sorely miss sitting on this cliff.

I hope this helps a little.

Shane

Posted by pogozorro (Member # 2805) on :

The opening certainly grabs the reader's attention. If you need mroe people to read the entire work, I'd be delighted to see where it goes.

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

Nice hook,

Only one thing I didn't get: is Drake in hell or is he sitting on a cliff over hell?

I'd love to read it if you're still lookin' for more readers:)

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I don't see any problem with the style or phrasing. Only punctuation error I caught is that you should have used a semi-colon in this sentence instead of a colon:

quote:
It reminded him of the dragon's beautiful eyes before the beast killed him[;] it reminded him of home.

Check out http://www.nationalpunctuationday.com/index.html and click on the appropriate punctuation mark for a quick refresher on punctuation.

Posted by lerxster (Member # 2827) on :

It's quite interesting to me so far. I'm new at this, but I'll read it and comment if you're interested.

lerxster@gmail.com

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

Hi Miriel -

- I agree with Smaug in not telling us where Drake is straight off. As with the others, though, this opening has certainly caught my attention and I'd be glad to read the whole thing.

One point though, and it has to do with the combination of the words 'favorite' and 'Hell' in the first sentence. For me it gives the impression that the story that follows is going to be a humorous piece (is it?). It makes it sound frivolous, somehow.