Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Portrait

This is topic The Portrait in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001285

Posted by danlovejoy (Member # 1232) on :

Here's one that's been finished for years, but never submitted:
A coffee shop in Buenos Aires is not an auspicious place to begin a story which really doesn’t have a beginning (or an end, for that matter- I might as well tell you now) but every story has to start somewhere so we might as well start here.
Just off Primera Junta, far enough away from the open market to be tolerable to the nose, stands an upscale Argentine coffee shop - a monument to the successful American (South American) slash European syncretism that makes Buenos Aires so fascinating.
The coffee shop is one of the thousands in Buenos Aires. This one is not particularly distinctive, although it is beautiful. The floors are all hardwood, well polished. The silver is silver and the waiters wear white jackets and carry white towels over their right arms. While outside destitute Colombian women sell underwear on the street and buses rumble by, rattling the plate glass windows, the cafetería is a sanctuary for the urban middle class.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What's going to be interesting in this story? I suggest you start there, with a POV character.

I would also warn against telling the editor up front that your story has no beginning, no end, and no particular reason to start anywhere. He may believe you!

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

I wouldn't open with telling us you're not going to tell us a conventional story, either.

I love coffee and South American locales, and an Argentine coffee shop is a fascinating place, to be sure; but unless it's a sentient building I think there needs to be a main character -- even if he or she is only mentioned in the first sentence:

"Eduardo Mallea, occupying his usual chair in the corner, takes in the hardwood floors, the gleaming silver, the pervasive, heady scent of freshly-ground expresso and thinks to himself, Coffee shops are a microcosm of the world. Take this one, for example...."

Best,

Varishta

[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 19, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You don't have to use a typical POV, but if you can then it's usually a good idea. Your language is good, but the subject doesn't really interest me. The only thing I'll nit is the way you wrote out "slash" rather than using "/". That just makes no sense.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Hey, Dan.

Are you looking for readers of the whole thing?

How long is it?

I'm actually going to (for the most part) disagree with what's been said above. I don't have much problem with it at all. The language is quite nice, and that alone gives me enough pleasure in reading that I'd be willing to accept a slower beginning than some readers might want. (Though wbriggs MAY have a point about miscuing an editor. ) The place is interesting, the possibility of a story is intriguing me. I want to read on to find out what comes of this--but something more interesting SHOULD happen soon.

And there IS a main character--your narrator. I'm gleaning a lot about him from his voice, the way he goes about telling the story.

The only exception I might have is the parentheses. The first set I don't think you need at all. Just break up the sentence into two. Three maybe. The second set were simply annoying. Choose one. American or South American? Which one would put the proper mental image into your reader's mind?

Posted by danlovejoy (Member # 1232) on :

Yes, I'm looking for readers. Definitely! (Full disclosure - it's 6,600 words)

The main character in this story is a portrait - and the action happens around it. It's certainly unconventional - perhaps that makes it unfit for sale.

I'm really OK with that. I want to sell lots of stories and novels, but I'll be OK if I never sell this particular one. So if I can make it better, I certainly want to do so. If saleable isn't necessarily better, then I don't care that much about selling it. Does that make sense?

I'm *very* pleased with the honest feedback on these lines. I'm going to take out the cutesy wutesy and the errant parentheses as you've suggested, then I'll send the whole thing on to whoever wants to read it.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I'll take a look.

A portrait's POV, huh?

Hmm....

Can't wait to see what you do with it.

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

Oh, a portrait will be the main character? Then this kind of opening might work, then.

Best,

Varishta

Posted by Corvus (Member # 2632) on :

I'd also like to read it.

NITPICK: Shouldn't it be "a story that doesn't have . . ."? I'd normally put it down to author's license, but the tone of the sentence is already heavy, what with "is not . . . auspicious" so a less formal-sounding word might balance well. I also dislike the repitition of "might as well." Now, with that out of the way . . .

Even without knowing that the main character is a portrait, I'm okay with a beginning that focuses on the cafetería because you give the impression that the place is important. This place is, after alll, the beginning of the story that has no beginning.

The extra parentheses and writing out "slash" is interesting. I found that, along with the word "syncretism" and the following details, they actually gave the additional connotation/implication that the European aspects were being "slashed," or falsified, by the South American aspects, and the separation of "American" and "(South American)" made the reference to class divisions clearer: the effects of modern industry putting the lie to an appearance of Victorian elegance. The only problem is that it took me some thinking and the use of a dictionary to arrive at this fairly far-fetched impresssion. If you want the writing to flow, ignore everything I just said.