Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Short story, 3

This is topic Short story, 3 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

edited for submission

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited October 02, 2005).]

Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :

Jake comes off a bit like he's a jerk, which is great if that's what you're aiming for. I don't *like* Jake so far, but I would keep reading for a bit to see if there was a reason Jackie was with him, or a reason for his behavior. But I would need someone to care about quickly.

quote:
Before it closes completely, I hear the beginning of a sentence from the bedroom (Where, it's almost three in the morn-) before the lock hits home and the rest is muffled out by the sound of running tap water.

I would take out everything in the parentheses. It's disruptive and makes the sentence too long. If we need to know it's 3a.m. maybe you could work that in later. Maybe as she's banging on the door.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Ditto. Jake is unsympathetic enough I'm almost ready to give up on him . . . but not quite, not yet.

Some technical issues:

> the bedroom (Where, it's almost three in the morn-)
Where should be lower case and not followed by a comma
It's three in the morning elsewhere, too!

>before the lock hits home and the rest is
Lock? Isn't the change from closing the door, not the locking mechanism itself?

>I take a whore bath in the sink
I don't know what this is, and it initially made me think the narrator was female

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

I thought the (Where, it's almost three in the morn-) was what Jackie was saying, rather than a fragment of description. It's "I hear the beginning of a sentence..." followed by what he hears. But I did have to pause to try to figure that out, rather than understanding it easily.

I also didn't know what a whore bath was and stopped reading to try to figure it out. (Note: if you google the phrase, be careful about what links you click on, you know?)

Jake's a jerk but not alienating, yet; I'm optimistic that there'll be something about him to make him sympathetic soon.

Posted by Jon Roberts (Member # 2804) on :

I hate to sound like a fanboy or something (which I suppose would be pretty hard to do, since I didn't even check to see who wrote this post) but I loved it. There are definitely things that could be changed. I had to go back and figure out what was going on with the three in the morning statement. You should probably just switch lock to latch and you'd be fine.

As to the unsympathetic issue...I'd have to disagree. Maybe it's just my mood at the moment, but I didn't care how unsympathetic he was. I thought he was very intriguing. The use of whore bath (while I didn't know exactly what it was, I could guess, it didn't matter to me that much) and him taking the sheets (something that is so counter-cliche, at least in movie-jackass culture) created an interesting tone. It was almost as if he was acting like a girl, and (somebody is going to knife me in a parking lot for saying this but) so did the use of his taking a bunch of Xanax. Yet at the same time he had very masculine characteristics. I'm intrigued.

...And I've rambled.

Jon

Posted by Swimming Bird (Member # 2760) on :

Ha! I was wondering if someone would catch the very effete nature of the protagonist. It will be an very important arch later on.

Thanks to all who commented. Let me try to clear a few things up.

The (Where, it's three in the morn-) is Jackie speaking. I think I could clear this up by simply putting quotations inside the parenthesis.

Secondly, a Whore Bath is when you dunk your head under the faucet to wash your hair. Many prostitutes did this after servicing clients, either because it is faster than a regular shower or they weren't allowed to use the shower in the first place. (Maybe an unconscious not-so-subtle attempt at symbolism on my part; who knows?)

And it's no mistake, Jake is supposed to come off like a jerk . . . for now.

Keep the comments rolling.

[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited August 18, 2005).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I'm torn. I like the voice, but I don't get the feeling anything special is happening to the main character. I don't mind his seeming like a jerk (at least not yet) but nothing so far gives me the impression it's more than an "ordinary" morning for the protagonist.
As to the "whore bath", I think most people will not know what this is, and it should warrant some kind of explanation within the text.

Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :

I'm not hooked yet, but I think it's because the characters aren't the type of people I'd enjoy getting to know, not because of the writing itself.

The parentheses and "whore bath" confused me, as well. Is this like an "army bath"?

(Ah. Didn't catch your follow-up post. Gotcha. )

Best,

Varishta

[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 18, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

We all picked up on the effete nature of the "protagonist". It's just that almost nobody liked it.

Technically competent, but very unpromising in subject matter and POV usage. For me, the lack of thoughtful motivation and reaction is the real killer. I can't stand POV characters that don't think about what they're doing.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

I thought he was a jerk too.

Liked the dialogue though.

[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited August 18, 2005).]

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I generally don't like stories that start like this, but you do a lot of difficult things really well here:

1) The POV is very consistent. The writing without exceptions drips with the POV character's cynical vulgarity. Like Survivor said, very technically proficient.

2) You set up an paradoxical character whose paradoxes are simultaneously extreme and believable. Kind of reminds me of the homophobic homosexual detective in the Boondock Saints

3) You capture the spiritual misery of the POV character immediately. The thoughtlessness that Survivor criticized is a natural and seemingly neccesary part of the character. Further, it's a complex attribute that you manage to imply without needing to state. Bravo!

The only real gripe I have is entirely personal--I don't like present tense stories.

Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :

Why do you have two characters with names that are so similar? That can get extremely confusing.

Posted by Paul-girtbooks (Member # 2799) on :

I've came on board this discussion very late, but it seems to me that this opening's faults are also it's attributes: I like the fact that the protagonist doesn't come off as very sympathetic. I particularly admire the quality of the writing - it's consistent, snappy and kept me reading. The sense of place is extremely well conveyed; I could SEE the bedroom.

Is the whole story available? Because I for one would be interested in reading it all.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

The fix for the Where, it's almost would be not only ""'s, but also punctuation:

("Where? It's almost three in the morn---")