***

Joanna gathered the things that she didn't intend to wear any more. Jeans, blouses. A new tennis skirt soiled by a slip in the mud. African mud was always hard to get out; something about the iron content of the soil. She'd spent an entire day in Barrowdale trying to find a replacement, but as usual there were none to be had.

She put the clothing into a wicker basket and went to the fence. Esther had already spread word, so there they were, dark faces pressed against wire mesh. Mostly mothers, they called out in their soft, sing-song chatter:

"Masakai, Medem"

"Good dey, Medem,"

"Masakati", she answered in practiced, boarding-school Shona, "Maswera sei?"

"Ndaswera maswerawo." The day is well, they murmured, eyeing the basket.

"Ndaswera."

More women showed up, toting small babies in bright-colored cloths. They

***

[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 16, 2005).]
 

I'm not sure about the use of Shona; I don't find it a real problem but there are a lot of people who turn off the moment they see a foreign language in a story, particularly if it's one that's outside their normal experience.

Other than that, I think the only nitpick I have is that I'd say "Joanna gathered the things", not "her" things - if she doesn't intend to wear them any more, it's clear they're hers, so I don't think it needs the extra possessive.

How long is the story, and do you want comments on the whole thing?

And how long/when did you live in Zimbabwe?
 

I was last there in 1996.

The story's a mere 567 words, but I'm scared to death to share it. Even this was difficult. *laugh*

And yes, I was worried that the language thing would scare readers away. Should I shorten it, eliminate it, or...?

A good portion of my stories are language heavy, which makes me wonder if they'd even be marketable. But then, most of them were written for myself at the time, so I suppose it doesn't matter. I'll just have to start all over with the things I'm learning here and elsewhere.

Thanks,

Varishta

 

I still have one crit outstanding, but I think I can cope with 567 words. If you want to send it to me I'd be happy to comment. But no pressure.
 

--Varishta

P.S. Have you been to Zim?
 

I've also visited Botswana twice, South Africa twice, and Namibia. My step-brother lives in South Africa (has done for years) and my parents visit there just about annually (though this year they're driving round Namibia for a fortnight - not bad for a couple in their 70s/80s!).
 

On the use of the Shona language; for me, I only see the use of another language as a turn off if the writer never clues me in as to what the exchanges meant. In this segment, I have a pretty good idea that the exchange is along the lines of 'hello' and 'how are you/ how was your day'. This is only because this is the type of typical social greeting I would expect.

If you'd like, I'd be happy to offer feedback on the rest of the story.
 

Conversely, I hate fantasy stories where the author creates a language out of thin air by imitating Tolkien or some other author that actually spent time developing grammatical rules.

Please feel free to send me your story.
 

I'm not sure if the reason why you separated "A new tennis skirt..." from the rest of the list is because you wanted to emphasise that part or because you had some other reason. To me, it kinda seems awkward.

As far as the language goes, I'm not too crazy about the whole idea. It's very toilsome to read and doesn't really contribute to the story -- especially when all they're saying to each other is "Hi, it's a nice day today."
What would probably be better is to explain that they are talking in their native language, without having to change the language that you are writing in, or constantly have to repeat what they are saying in english.

Example:
"Good day, maam," they said in their native tongue.

"Good day to you," she answered in practiced, boarding-school Shona.

You get the idea.

Truthfully, the story so far just isn't interesting. There's nothing that really grabs me and makes me want to continue to read it. Maybe it's just me.

I hope some of my suggestions helped out a little.

[This message has been edited by jinkx (edited August 16, 2005).]
 

I think I'll shorten the language a bit, but I'm really having a hard time of letting it go altogether. Shona is the major language, and it dominates the cultural background. It's like writing about Mexico and no one says "Senor" or "por favor", you know?

That said, I suppose Shona isn't as well known as Spanish and so I should just listen to your advice.

Mech -- Thanks for reading my story. I probably bored you to tears with it, but I'm learning, as I said. I was hoping to "teach" in my theoretical novel, as well -- but now I realise that not that many people would want to learn Zimbabwean languages.

Carlene -- I tried to clue in the reader, but seeing as I know more Shona than most, I may have blind-sided myself. Thanks for looking at the story, though. I'll try harder next time.

Tcher -- Ah, Vic Falls. *sigh* Namibia's great, too. What bit of SA? I've lots of memories of Natal, esp. Durban.

Thanks again for your help.

[This message has been edited by Varishta (edited August 16, 2005).]
 

I'm somewhat on the fence about the way you use Shona in the dialogue here. Basically, it tells me that Joanna understands Shona...but isn't fluent. She has to think a bit before she knows what "Masakati" means. I think that's what you indicate by saying she speaks in "practiced, boarding-school Shona", so I'm inclined to read it as correct usage of language.

If that is the case, then Shona should probably make only a limited appearence in the story anyway, and you'll be translating as much as Joanna understands. So I don't think that's too burdensome. On the other hand, if there is a fair amount of dialogue that Joanna doesn't understand, then you should only describe it rather than quoting it (i.e. "they began to argue, speaking very quickly, and Joanna only understood a few polite phrases of Shona in any case"). Likewise, if Joanna is fluent in Shona (or nearly so), then you should never reproduce the language at all, everything has to be translated so that it appears to the reader with the same meaning that it holds for Joanna.

There are two reasons for this rule. The obvious one is because it minimizes the degree to which you'll try the reader's patience with long dialogues (to be translated later) in a language the reader doesn't understand at all. The other one is because it breaks POV to quote language that the POV character understands perfectly when the reader does not, while it is unrealistic for the POV to record exactly language that the character doesn't understand.

Anyway, like I said, from what I read in this opening, you don't have a problem here. The other elements of the text seem to work well. You set the scene effectively, introduce the POV character, establish some contrasts that develop the title into a suggested dramatic conflict...you're doing quite well. I'd say it definitely has merit.
 

I'm not hooked by the event, but in a way I am: I want to know why she's leaving (or did I misunderstand that?), and I think there's an implicit promise to explore this cultural and class divide, which I"d like to see.

I'll read.
 

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

After reading up on the whole idea of "short story" and how one should be written, I fear this isn't so much of a story as a glimpse of something that could become a story.

I'll send it, but please understand this was written before I understood the form.

Still learning,

Varishta