Chapter 1----------------------------------
The stars still shone, and the tide was just coming in as the two brothers readied themselves for their final confrontation of the morning. The crashing waves occasionally splashed them, increasing the pain of the cuts and injuries they had already taken, but neither could show weakness, especially not in front of their rival.
The elder brother, Jake, stood almost completely up with his right leg planted a little behind his left, and his hand tightly gripping his sheathed sword. His little brother, Luke, stood in a relaxed position with his legs spread apart to prepare for a sprinting attack with his sword that rested on his shoulder.
Neither boy blinked for fear the other would cover the ten yards between before they could defend the attack. Jake’s countenance remained cold and determined as he stared into his brother’s eyes, which showed Luke's growing impatience. To end the stalemate between them, Luke held out his sword-free hand and yelled, “Splash Cannon!” His hand glowed and a baseball-sized projectile of water flew from the ocean and at Jake. He was narrowly able to dodge, cursing his little brother for the cheap shot, but in ducking beneath the attack, his brother was only a few seconds from cutting his head off.
[This message has been edited by Mystic (edited August 15, 2005).]
As an opener, I'd suggest cutting out extraneous/superflous details to make the action faster. Don't be so descriptive of their fighting stances. Short, concise sentences. Once you get into the story and/or the action slows down then use longer, descriptive sentences.
I think opening with a tighter line 2 would make a better hook: The salty ocean waves increased the pains of the cuts and injuries the brothers had given each other, but neither would display their pain. It would be a sign of weakness to the other. something like that.
Who was narrowly able to dodge? I know it's Jake but Luke performs an action and then we see a 'He' in the beginning of the next sentence, instead of 'Jake'. I guess you'd call this a weak POV change.
Also take a look at your tenses. Try to make them active, more -ing and less -ed
Good luck resurrecting the old story (I'm so paranoid I even keep printed copies of my major drafts and final version.)
.Thanks for the advice though. I knew the story was stilted, but I wasn't exactly sure what needed trimming. Looking back, I do remember sitting at my computer, looking at all the pronouns, and thinking something was wrong.
quote:
but neither could show weakness, especially not in front of their rival.
I somehow got it in into my head that there was now a third character that threatened them both. How about, "...especially not in front of one another"?
Best,
Varishta
The magic seems a bit forced and .. I don't know.. video gamey/pokemon for me. You're writing a fantasy style duel, and then coming in with a pokemon sounding game. I'd consider just having him do a hand gesture and then the ball of water flying out of the ocean.. all of that without the pokemon sounding spell name.
The goal should be to make people get hooked.. so.. the things I'd focus more on in the first thirteen lines are: 1) Why are these two fighting? 2) If its for a really silly reason, what happens if they stop fighting? 3) How can I draw the reader more into the action?
I think you are trying to make the scene intense, and it's backfiring. Remember: we don't care about these brothers yet. We're not rooting for either one - for all we know, they could be villians and we should hope they both die.
I essentially agree with Jarrod but I would add that, unless it's necessary for magic or something, fighters rarely look their opponent in the eye. In fact, the whole fight is somewhat unbelievable: they can cross ten yards in the time it takes to blink, yet one holds his sword on his shoulder and the other still has his sheathed. They're apparently good fighters, yet the elder doesn't know how to watch his opponent while he dodges.
The first paragraph has some good ideas but the description is a little dry. "Increasing the pain" doesn't summon any particular sensory image. With all these two are going through, I was looking for words like "sting," "ache," or "burn."
I'll take a look at the rest as you rewrite it if you like; my condolences for loosing your stories.
[This message has been edited by Corvus (edited August 16, 2005).]
However, most of the feedback is completely new. The pokemon comment, I assume refers to the childishness of the attack's name. Mechwarrior, I'm definitiely going to take your advice about cutting stuff down. I usually panic if I don't give the reader a perfect mental image of the characters.
Here's what I was shooting for:
It is early morning and two brothers have been training in swordplay for a while. This will be the final confrontation of the morning. Jake is more uptight and determined, while Luke is impatient and fierce. To end the stalemate between them, Luke cheats by using a "spell" (I really hate that word, but I'll use it because you guys do) and the battle begins. Now one last thing I know you all did not see, due to my own stupidity, was that these guys are eight and six years old. So how close did I get to the image...I imagine not very, but if I can get the image down, I can clean up the grammar and superfluidity.
Subject matter:
1) You say neither blinked for fear that the other would cover the ten yards before they had time to react. Unless your characters have inhuman physical speed coupled with average reflexes, ten yards is too much distance for this concern. If one of them had a holstered gun and the other a sword, the gunfighter might be concerned about not being able to draw in time in the circumstances you describe. But both characters have swords, both are at ready. Neither needs to be so attentive that they need not blink until they are a few steps from engaging distance--say three or four yards.
2) You refer to one brother preparing for a "sprinting attack." I think you would improve the sentence greatly by instead describing the brother as preparing to charge.
Writing:
"Jake, stood almost completely up" This makes me think that the other brother is doing something other than standing. Like sitting or kneeling. If you are trying to connote that he was upright, rather than crouched in a fighting stance, use a word that indicates such, like . . .well, upright.
"their final confrontation of the morning" This implies that both brothers know that this is the last pass, which implies that the contest is more or less friendly. But the rest of the passage contradicts this. I would suggest striving for a consistent tone, so the reader knows whether or not the contest is meant to be lethal.
As mentioned previously, "Splash cannon" very much sounds like a video game, as does the "sprinting attack" mentioned earlier. If that's your intent, you are succeeding. If not, then you might consider different fighting descriptions.
[This message has been edited by J (edited August 16, 2005).]