I have rewritten the entire prologue and am now asking for readers. It is about 800 words. Anyway here's the first 13. ------------------------------------ There was a throbbing pain in Will’s head as he heard the door open. He tried opening his eyes, but couldn’t seem to muster up enough strength. “Will, wake up,” the nurse whispered quietly. “The surgery went great, and our tests show that the cancer cells are dying at a stable rate. Your parents have just arrived. Would you like them to come in?” Will tried opening his eyes again, and was able to force up his left lid. “Go ahead and tell to come in,” he answered, his eye slowly adjusting to the light. The familiar figure of his mom entered the room first, followed by the larger figure of his dad. They stood barely beyond the door. “I have to say, Mr. Gardner, your son has a surprisingly high pain tolerance for a teenager,” the nurse said. “He hasn’t cried or complained “He is a tough kid,” Will’s dad replied. Will’s mother asked the nurse if the operation had been successful. “The doctor says the enzymes have already rearranged the DNA to include CCRC, and many of the cancer cells have already been killed by Will’s immune system.” ----------------------------------------
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited August 18, 2005).]
Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :
Very nicely written. Flows well and has a clear and concise voice. Logically I see one problem however, though that may be answered elsewhere. The seriousness of an operation like this would mean that all of the issues, complications and technology that they planned to use would have been fully discussed and understood by all. Therefore it would seem to me that Will would already know well and full what CCRC was. Good Writing!
Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :
Nice picture. just 2 quick things> 1 would he be so clear of speech after such an operation and 2 instead of telling us his mother asked have her do it and him hear the concern in her voice
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
I think it is fine the way it is, except for one issue with the context. If it is tiring to open one eye-lid, how does he move his lips, tongue, esphogus, voice box, etc. to say something? Maybe I missed something in biology, so you tell me. Other then that, I like it and I think the little part about the CRCC at the end should stay, unless (which I assume will probably be the case) the CRCC will play a later role in screwing up Will, in which case withhold the information and use it later because it leaves the reader something to wonder about.
One last thing, is Will bald from Chemo or is the CRCC prevent that.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I think the writing is good. The only issue I see with this is plausability. I've had surgery before and it takes a long time to wake up properly. You fall asleep while people are talking to you and everything is kind of foggy for a while (this also varies depending on the extent of the surgery). A conversation isn't really a good idea if what's being said is important because the patient can rarely focus enough to remember what was said.
Plus the doctor would have spoken to the parents right after he got out of surgery with their son, told them the prognosis and answered any questions. The doctor wouldn't be likely to wake the patient up. It would be more likely that the mom would be sitting in the chair trying to read a magazine when he opens his eyes--the doctor would visit on rounds and what not, doing a post opp and talk to the patient then. maybe that's what happens here, but I get the impression the surgery has just taken place.
All of the above has been from my experiance but don't take it as gospel. Just ask around and do a bit of research. That's always been one of my favorite parts of the writing process.
And just a nit: "the doctor whispered quietly" most people whisper quietly so you could probably just leave the "quietly" as a given.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :
Thanks for your input. The surgery is actually very minor (in terms of cancer). Will is one of the test subjects in this new "breakthrough" cancer research. Later in the prologue I explain the actual process of the surgery, which is a small incision near his right eye (hence the difficulty), and the insertion of the enzyme into the incision (using an syringe). Also, Will's parents are supposed to be pretty distant to him, so there is not a lot of feeling between the conversations he has with them, and that's why the doctor woke him up (They have to leave in a hurry a few lines later). Oh, and I adjusted "whispered quietly"
[This message has been edited by Blackthorne (edited August 13, 2005).]
Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :
Looks as though the original post has been edited. In the future you may want to consider reposting the new revision rather then altering the original that way things continue to make sense in the thread and others can see what changes were made. Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :
All the editing wasn't done by me. I changed "whispered quietly", and one other word that didn't make sense. (The second was changing "the DNA" to "his DNA" in the last paragraph)
Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :
Really, hmmm how odd. I wonder what happened to the rest? Maybe it exceeded the thirteen lines limit?
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Yah, it looks like Kathleen edited it for him. Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, but he could have put that in himself Of course, KDW would probably call him on it.
Of course, I belong to the "all the x wasn't y" means "none of the x was y" camp. But that's neither here nor there.
On a more relevant subject, are you looking for readers for a chapter or redircts on subject matter or what, Blackthorne?
Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :
As soon as I finish the prologue, I will ask for readers. It will probably be three more days before I'm done.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It may be possible for Will (no relation, I'm sure) to be this alert after surgery. But does it serve the story? I think it would be cooler if he were really knocked on his butt by all this.
Posted by Blackthorne (Member # 2688) on :
It would be if Will was the main character. His son, Ryan, is actually who the story is about.
Posted by Varishta (Member # 2789) on :
"There was a throbbing pain" seems a bit ordinary. Pain always seems to throb in stories. Also, I've never come out of surgery where the doctor starts talking to me. It's usually a nurse or some other person, and I'm so out of it that I'm not sure if I'm dreaming. It's worse than jet-lag.
You might be able to get off to a snappier start by just starting with --
quote:“I have to say, Mr. Gardner, your son has a surprisingly high pain tolerance for a teenager,” the doctor said with a smile.
