Okay, here’s the thing. My POV character is out with my main character. The main character gets a phone call and the POV character can only hear the main character’s end of the conversation. That end of the conversation is fairly integral to the plot, but how would I write this?
I actually already have a tentative plan, but I’m just making sure it’s easy to follow. I think it’s kinda cool, like a writer’s equivalent for special effects.
Would something like this work?
quote:Molly listened to the half of the conversation she could hear. Ginger’s voice sounded detached.
“I’m out with Molly, having a few drinks”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’re busy with Kayllah and work.”
“No, tomorrow’s the first day of the new schedule, and I’m off. Why?”
“You’ve got to be !@#$ing kidding me.”
“No, you don’t call me for three days, and then you decide to call at almost one in the !@#$ing morning to ask for a favor.”
“Fine, Casey what’s the favor?”
“Hold on let me get a pen.”
Ginger dug through her purse for a pen and something to write on.
JOHN!
Posted by Phrasingsmith (Member # 2773) on :
Interesting. Although, even with your initial explanation, or maybe because of it, I became confused at the very beginning and thought the conversation was between Molly and Ginger. You probably have explained a couple of lines just before that Ginger was holding the phone receiver in her hand and Molly was listening nearby, which would have helped frame the conversation for me. Once I understood the participants roles it seemed fine. Good Writing!
Posted by kgator (Member # 2787) on :
Is Molly sitting next to Ginger, or listening from another room? I think it might help if you described the facial expressions or some sort of emotion on Ginger's part...you know,have you ever noticed how when friends are talking on a cellphone in front of you and you look at their expression to try and figure out what they're thinking about the topic or the person that's calling them, or if you aren't looking at them, you're trying to figure it out by the tone in their voice? ...or maybe that's just me.....;-)
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Seemed easy to follow. I think it's clear and the dialogue is fine. Hope that helps. Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :
I was doing my best not to violate the sacred rule of 13. It's like the Prime Directive around these parts There is a bit right before that, lends some explanation.
quote:Ginger’s cell phone rang. She took it from her purse and looked at the display. “It’s Casey,” she said.
“Well, go ahead and answer it.”
Ginger seemed to think it over, then finally pushed the TALK button. “Hello,” she said into the receiver.
Molly listened to the half... of
If someone wants to read the chapter they can. It fairly on in the story, but at least it will supply the setup for what I'm asking. I establish early on that Ginger and Molly are in a restaurant together.
quote:Seemed easy to follow. I think it's clear and the dialogue is fine. Hope that helps.
Very helpful. I LOVE when people tell me exactly what I want to hear. Thanks. JOHN!
[This message has been edited by JOHN (edited August 12, 2005).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Personally, I find the paragraph breaks distracting. They always make me think a different person is talking. I'd prefer ellipses, as in:
quote:“I’m out with Molly, having a few drinks. . . . Don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’re busy with Kayllah and work. . . . No, tomorrow’s the first day of the new schedule, and I’m off. Why? . . .
Etc.
You don't have to put it all in one paragraph. You could break it with some stage business: "Ginger's eyebrows rose," or "Ginger reached for a sheet of paper." It's also possible that Molly might hear a few words from the other end of the conversation, if it suits your purpose; that's not an uncommon occurrence.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'm with kgator and rickfisher on either not using full paragraph breaks and/or going ahead and describing Ginger's reactions. While it might not be possible for Molly to actually hear the other side of the conversation, she could certainly tell how long responses took and how Ginger reacted to them.
Thanks. 
There is a bit right before that, lends some explanation.