Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fraud Prince

This is topic Fraud Prince in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001255

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

This is a flash story, 850 words, and I'd welcome comments on either these 13 lines or the whole thing.

You already know how the story starts. Everybody knows. Beautiful, innocent princess goes walking by a swamp. Or maybe a lake. Even a pond will work. She sees a frog. The frog talks to her. And in case a talking frog ain’t weird enough, this frog says that he’s also a prince under a curse.

The princess is disgusted and spurns the frog, maybe even abuses him. Throws him around a little bit, calls him names. Who could blame her? I mean, this freak is basically stalking her. But somehow you’re supposed to hate the princess’ attitude and selfishness and root for the frog. Go figure.

Anyway, the frog does some kind of good deed for the princess, like he fetches her golden ball from the bottom of the pond or whatever (and, by the way, who lets their kid play with a golden ball?), and then suddenly the princess is won over. I mean, sometimes there’s more to it, like a quest, but at the end, the princess falls in love with the frog. Boom.

Posted by Shawshank (Member # 2729) on :

The tone of voice was pretty funny, and I probably would have kept reading it.

But, I don't see anything going on here. It's just what we already know, it was amusing, but I don't that's enough. In the very first sentence you say "you already know how the story starts" and the rest of it is explaining what is claimed we already know.

Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :

quote:
In the very first sentence you say "you already know how the story starts" and the rest of it is explaining what is claimed we already know.

I do things like that as well, and people will point it out from time to time.

I think what LMermaid is going for here is a conversational tone. "you already know how the story starts" is an expression of sorts. Like, "It goes without saying..." and then you explain it. Same thing here. Doesn't bother me much.

In that vein I would suggest shortening the "you already know how the story starts" bits, though. I think that would help.

Not bad.

You can send me the rest at johnlewisjr89@gmail.com if you want. I tell you what I think.

JOHN!

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

I like this a lot. Can I read it?

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I actually really like this.

The real question always is: "did you grab me?". Yep, you got me.

Now the next question will be: "did you pull it off?" I'll read the rest to find the answer to that one.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I liked it. Even though my mom will probably kill you for using that title for this story.

I'd be willing to read the whole thing.

Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :

I'd like to read it as well. I like the narrative voice: it grabbed me right away with its light sarcasm and attitude. Send it along.

Posted by Exile (Member # 2575) on :

I love your tone in this fragment. I would also like to read your story.

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

The opening's mildly intriguing, send it along if you need anymore readers.

Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :

I like this, although it almost feels complete in itself, rather than a hook to something that follows. It didn't give me that itch to need to know more. Unfortunate place to have stopped, maybe?

I think this could be usefully edited to make it tighter, and I'd question some of the word choices. Ain't and kid in particular feel wrong for the voice that's being used. I'd also cut "this freak is basically stalking her", but that's just my initial reaction . It feels excessive and it jarred on me as being out of voice.

I do like the intimacy of the voice you've created here.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

Thanks very much to everyone who replied! I appreciate the feedback. Consensus seems to be that I should introduce the narrator in the opening paragraph before getting into the Frog Prince retelling.

Ariel

Posted by JOHN (Member # 1343) on :

I like the fact that we don't know who's telling the story at first. It made me want to read on. I thought the reveal was great that not only the "frog prince" a theif, and womanizer, but the guy telling the story is a sadder case.

JOHN!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Oy, spoiler!

I guess it's okay at this point, though. I second. The identity of the narrator is part of the twist in this story.