Here's another, I'm halfway through the rough draft (2147 words), which will go on a tangent, but I want to see if the first part sinks or swims... ---------------------------- The boredom, the depression, the longing to die-- it was just a phase. A century after his loved ones passed on, he got over it. Besides, he never could work up the nerve to bump himself off anyway. No, he didn't want to die. He wanted to know why...
David Robious wasn't the sharpest sword in the armory. So, it puzzled him why he was invited to join the Hypotheticals. Maybe it was his expose on think tanks. It certainly wasn't his 130 IQ. David didn't care. The hush salary promised more than freelancing.
The embroidered invitation led to a three-story brick-stack down on E street. The golden plate nailed to the door read: The Hypotheticals, Institution of the Impossible and the Improbable.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I'm only mildly intrigued by this one. It seems cliche' to me. League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, like. And the Dorian Gray facet, of an immortal who whines because he can't die a natural death. *Yawn.*
I imagine I'd read on for a paragraph or two more, just to find out more about "The Hypotheticals, Institution of the Impossible and the Improbable."
Posted by webm0nster (Member # 2784) on :
I generally like these type of stories with a secret society etc.. I dont find LOEG type stories to be overworked personally, I am not saying I want to read that carbon copied over an over but the mysterious society and the detective story style got me hooked enough to read on. The immortals lament in italics - I take it that is explained later. I would work that into the story and start with the second paragraph as the first.
This kinda broke the flow for me - "The hush salary promised more than freelancing." Hush salary was promised him or promised to pay better? Hush salary sounds a bit awkward anyway. Is this guy an employee or member prospect?
Posted by Exile (Member # 2575) on :
Your first paragraph is the one that caught my attention. I think it's a great hook...not because the character thinks about killing himself and decides he doesn't have the courage--I've seen that before--but because of your second sentence. "A century after his loved ones passed on" is really what got me, because somehow this character was able to survive 100 years longer than normal...and I want to know how that came to be.
Something about your second paragraph seems a bit choppy to me. Your metaphor, perhaps...for some reason that sentence didn't work for me. This paragraph doesn't seem to flow into the third one very well, either, because #2 is backstory and suddenly #3 is action. Maybe more of a transition between the two, or change #2 to action, like "David Robious wondered, as he walked...etc."
I like the name of your "society". It makes me want to read more about it.
Posted by Mechwarrior (Member # 2796) on :
Personally, I liked the first paragraph as a hook. It got me interested.
The "sharpest sword in the armory" didn't work for me. Just say he didn't act as smart as someone with a 130 IQ should (130 is nothing to sneeze at, unless this is a world of super-geniuses).
The institute name is intriquing. I have to agree on two other comments that conflict each other. LOEG is overdone but secret societies are always good reads.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
There's a pretty sharp disconnect between the italicized language and the non-italicized language, which I assume is the actual beginning.
The actual (non-italicized) beginning caught my attention pretty well. The italicized Anne Rice stuff preceding it was less successful.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
We've got an italicized paragraph of summary, another paragraph of summary, and one paragraph of in-the-moment action; but that one paragraph is just someone seeing a plaque on a door. For me the issue is that I think you're starting in the wrong place. Maybe too early. What's the cool part of the story? Start there.
Posted by Corvus (Member # 2632) on :
>>I want to see if the first part sinks or swims...
It does sort of a struggling dog-paddle.
The metaphor doesn't work for me, either. I disagree with Exile, though, about the opening paragraph: if you put the setting firmly in the real world and then introduce a character well into his second lifetime, it becomes much less clichè. I'm also unsure about the identity of the immortal - is he the same person as Robious? If so, doesn't that make him Hypothetical enough?
I'm not sure I like Hypothetical as a noun, but the III in Institution of the Impossible and Improbable is cool. Basically, I want to hear more about the III soon. If I do, it swims - even if it's through Robious' eyes. The immortal didn't come off as a very sympathetic character. If he (Robious?) continues to be the focus, it sinks.