I am hoping to find the answer to the question as to whether my "style" is to young for the content. Thus I have placed a few lines from my story that may help get this answered: A boarish-orc became visible, stepping forward from the mist. He was hunched over on all fours, like the razor back boar they share their name with, hair rose like knives from the back of his neck down the spine stopping before the nape of the buttocks. The beast raised his mane-shrouded head to get a better look at the edge wood elf. His wide nose sniffed the air making a grunting noise that jarred the elf aback. The boarish-orcs four tusks protruding from his bottom lip dripped with saliva as he took quickening breath filling his lungs with the air it needed for a call of arms. He then stood up to a terrifying height of nearly two meters, standing a good measure taller than Grey. No clothes to speak of, its hairy chest led a trail to his abdomen where it spread out to create a loincloth-like design maintaining a semblance of modesty; the only thing the boarish-orc wore was a thin strip of leather he used as a belt to hold his bone-handled obsidian knife at the waist. The boarish-orc let out a horrifying yell as he beat his chest with large heavy fists.
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
I'm not sure I understand your question, but my feeling is that the style doesn't work for the content, if that helps at all . If this is an action sequence, with Grey under attack by the boarish-orc, then for me it is too slow and the sentences are too long. There's no sense of threat or danger.
For me the problem is that the description of the boarish-orc is devoid of context. It's being described objectively, as in a bestiary, not by someone who's trying to size it up as an enemy (can I kill it before it kills me?) or as an ally (is this fellow going to be handy in a fight?), or whatever. It's just description.
If Grey thinks he's about to be attacked, then I think he would focus on the boarish-orc's strength and its weapons, trying to evaluate his chances of defeating it--or indeed running away from it. Is it likely to be alone? Is he alone? What methods of attacking or evading it are likely to be effective?
Using a character's point of view to describe a character can be more effective than just describing it in this way. Any given character will focus on different details--on what matters to them. That way, you learn about what's being described and about whoever's doing the describing.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, I'd boil pretty much everything down to POV.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
A "boarish-orc" implies that it is an orc with characteristics of a boar. The term "Boarish-orc" feels clunky. Since you are identifying it as a subspecies of orc, you might be better off giving the subspecies a name and using that instead. Don't focus on your description too soon, however. You must present us with action and something we'll have an emotional reaction to up front, if you want to reel us into the story.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Yes, I'd say focus less on description and more on POV. I'm not sure who's head I'm in and this is very important to know who I'm supposed to be worried for. Ya know, who's this orc gonna consume and why do I care? Posted by Exile (Member # 2575) on :
You have excellent visuals. I especially liked: "mane-shrouded head" "hair rose like knives"
The language you use is descriptive, but perhaps a bit too lengthy to have in an action scene. Maybe separate the two--describe the orc to the audience beforehand, then use quicker, snappier language for Grey's confrontation with the beast. Your description is wonderfully eerie; it puts me in mind of a scene from a horror movie where the monster emerges from the mist. I think it might be effective to create tension with a slow, creepy introduction to the orc, then breaking into action.
(If this is an opening scene, however, the method I've suggested may not work as well. It's great for a later scene, but likely will not draw your audience in effectively as an beginning with the weighty description first. It's a "rising action" method, not great exposition.)
I agree with Elan that something just didn't click with referring to the monster as a "boarish-orc" repeatedly. Perhaps, once you've established it is boarish, shorten your identification tag to simply "orc". It's like talking about a long-legged dog. Unless there are other dogs you need to distinguish this particular one from, it's fine to just call it "the dog" and the audience will know what creature you mean.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Maybe you could call it a borc?
I agree with the comments here in general, which is to say; decent description (except for the clunky name; it's kind of like using "rhinoceros" in every sentence, you'd soon find yourself switching to "rhino"), but it slows down any hope of dramatic action. As Exile suggests, get the description out of the way then dive into action and get a real sense of drama/terror going.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Bork a bork, a mork a bork, mork a bork MORK MORK BORK! mork mork bork mork bork mork bork BORK BORK BORK!
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
...I must admit that, until I read the posts, I thought it was boorish-orc, and I was thinking, "Well...isn't that redundant? Aren't most orcs ill-tempered and boorish?" It left me very confused until I read the comments. Bork, or even boar-orc would keep sleepy-eyed people like myself from feeling silly.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I guess I'm the only one that would find calling something a "bork" right off the bat would be way too Swedish Chef. By the way, are there any Swedes here to give insight into whether that post (and the character on which it is based) was just way too offensive?
But maybe it isn't offensive, because the really offensive stereo-type is to think that all Swedes are hyper-attractive blonds.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
(You are not alone; I would also think Swedish Chef Orc.)
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
LOL! I have no idea if this is helping BJK but I'm laughing my butt off. Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, but you guys are probably hyper-attractive blonds.
Okay, back on topic. I'm not really concerned about what we call this ork, I thought Elan's idea was best. Mention that it is a boar-like orc and then just call it an orc. Mention tusks, hair, modesty, etc. as appropriate.
My main thing is still the POV cast.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
Am I the only one who thought "Robert Bork" and "Mork from Ork?"
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
About the whole orc thing, I think any description of an orc is unnecessary. You say that word and go straight to big green giant with fangs jutting from the mouth and ogre-like qualities. Most, not all because there is that guy who just got out of a cave, never read anything by Tolkien or saw the movies, and picked up your book, people who would read your story are gonna picture the orc they have always known and seen, even if you describe it as a ten-legged tree with a dragon head and arms made out of eyeballs...but I digress.
Simply put, kill all orc description, or better yet invent a new creature that isn't causing Tolkien to be an acrobat in his grave.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I agree with Survivor. The main issue here is POV. And then of course he figured out that I was Swedish so...but I make it even more fun by also being Irish. Ey, laddy, Bork!
But Miriel was right too. You say orc I'm picturing green guys dragging Mary and Pipin into Isengard (is that how you spell that?) in the Two Towers.
And yes, Elan, my first thought was Mork from Orc. Scary!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Wow. I don't even remember my first thought. It probably had nothing to do with television shows that hadn't even aired at that...I'm giving away my age, aren't I?
Posted by BJK (Member # 2779) on :
Thank you. This has all been helpful (even the bork jokes LOL) I do agree, POV has been difficult in this story and I can't say I even thought about describing the borc through my characters eyes. As for its name, there is a purpose behind the madness, part of it is this isn't your grandfathers orc. Tolkien creatures, to me, always lacked in one way or another, I was never afraid of them. I'm trying to create a creature that yes, everyone is familar with (thanks to those great but imagination ruinning films...) but at the same time well, frightening. I mean really really scary and the two scariest beasts I know are the boar (if you've ever seen one kill it is quite gory) and the gorilla just it's brute strength is enough make an accident in ones pants. But I do have a spot where I can put the description earlier in the story, as this seen takes place near the end but illustrated my problem the best. I will see what I can do but I'm trying to keep this a short story and it can already be divided into 3 chptrs if I put back all the stuff I took out and added all the stuff I've been trying not to. Thanks, I'll post some more when I get this worked out.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Just don't call it an ork, if it isn't. Don't call it a borc either
You could call it a "razor-mane" or something descriptive like that, or you could call it something meaningless but scary sounding like a "shoarkash". Or you can have Grey (gah, he needs a better name too) just be like "What the (*&^! is that?" and describe what he sees. That last is just in case our POV friend has never seen one before.
