Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Gift of the Alchemist (Working title)

This is topic Gift of the Alchemist (Working title) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MichelT (Member # 2625) on :

Short story, fantasy, looking for whole story reviewers as well as comments on the opening.

Katrina hesitated once she stood before the great oak doors of the infamous alchemist’s home, her anxiety getting the best of her. Looking back down Maker’s Street, she reminded herself that this was what her mistress desired and so it was her duty to obtain it. A flash of lightning illuminated the storm-soaked street immediately followed by a roar of thunder. With a start, Katrina forgot her nervousness and turned towards the door, rapping upon it with a fist.

The sound echoed on the other side of the door, but there came no answer. No windows lit by lanterns, not sounds of curious footsteps coming to question the visitor who arrived at such a late hour. Katrina waited until the next flash and rumble before raising her hand to pound once more against the door. It swung open slowly before her.

A new anxiety replacing the old, Katrina peeked inside the darkened foyer. “H-Hello? Sir Alchemist?” There was no answer. Looking back at the storm behind her, Katrina knew that her mistress would be furious if she returned empty-handed. Gathering what courage she had and drawing her wet cloak closer about her body, Katrina took a tentative step inside the house.

[This message has been edited by MichelT (edited August 06, 2005).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

How long is the short story? I'm almost caught up on crits at the moment so might have time to read it.

The storm is a terrible cliche, I'm afraid, as an omen of fear/terror/portentous events. Generally, thunderstorms are quite rare, and when they are used dramatically (particularly in films) I tend to think it's just lazy writing, employing the weather to do the work of creating an atmosphere, instead of working on it through subtler but more effective means.

Other than that, it's interesting enough. There are a couiple of clumsy phrasings ("rapping upon it with a fist" for example). I'm not absolutely hooked, but there's just enough questions mixed with clarity to make me want to know why Katrina's here, and what her mistress needs.

Posted by MichelT (Member # 2625) on :

The story is about five pages long. If you like, I can send it your way, though I will be rewriting some of it based on your suggestions. I appreciate the feedback and have to agree about the weather cliche. I'm going to play around with some things in the second draft.

Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :

Please send it my way if you'd like another reader.

~Carlene

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

I'll read it as well.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I don't have a problem with the storm as such, how rare such weather is depends a lot on the local climate, after all.

I did have a problem with the fact that you don't start with the fact that the POV character is cold, wet, and standing in the rain. It may be a minor problem, but it was jarring to discover that when I did.

Not so jarring that it ruins the opening, though. I think the overall impression of this opening is okay. I'll try a crit (it will also probably be a good chance to test my email).

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I would be overjoyed to read your story! I love anything having to do with alchemy because it is magic and science. I really like that you use a modern name "Katrina" instead of Jerodina of Macadamia in the Seventh Realm of the Light Spheres.