“I just need one more…” she said reaching for the drug she’d become so dependant on. Little Angie Jenson, who would’ve thought that Curtis’ most well-liked blonde was slicing her legs up under her cheerleading skirt? “One more…”. Defeated, she held the kitchen knife that no one noticed missing in her hand. She turned it over and over in her sweaty palms, watching the edge glint under the Tiffany lamp her mother thought she needed. The serrated edges always left the ugliest scars, and Angie wouldn’t have it any other way. She needed each cut to stick, each line to stand out, darker and more hideous than the last. She never wanted to forget what she did wrong this time. She didn’t even notice that no matter how dark the cut, she always forgot why she made them. By the time the next one was needed, the last one was long forgotten. This time, it would be different. “A word...” she thought. “How can I forget it if its screaming at me? A word…which word…?” Angie closed her eyes and relived the last few hours...
Posted by IllMetByMoonlight (Member # 2768) on :
I'd make one minor change, substitute "popular" for "well-liked."
You put an Innocent Character in a Terrible Situation, excellent hook. If you're willing, would you send me the entire text? What I've read so far is good and I want to find out what happens.
Posted by Elemeno (Member # 2752) on :
There's definitely possibility for an interesting story here. I'd keep reading. What I'd like to see, though, is Angie as moer developed, unique character. She seems like a stereotype-the rich, seemingly perfect girl who cuts herself. Even in the first few lines, it would be nice to see something that makes the reader care about Angie in a deeper way. I was a bit confused by the reference to drugs. At first I thought Angie was taking drugs in addition to cutting herself. Then I changed my opinion, believing that the cutting was the drug. Is this second view correct? If so, I like the connection, but it could have been more clear. I was also confused by this sentence: "Little Angie Jenson, who would’ve thought that Curtis’ most well-liked blonde was slicing her legs up under her cheerleading skirt?" Is Curtis her the name of her school, or is it a person's name? From a technical point-of-view, aren't cheerleading skirts really short? Where exactly is Angie cutting herself? (Am I nitpicking yet?) One last thing- the "one word" segment at the end seemed a little vague. I assume that will be explained later in the story, but something about its wording felt a little uncomfortable to me. All in all, I think you have most of the aspects of your story in place, you just need to reorganize them (if that makes any sense). Good luck!
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Elemeno, your second assumption was correct, the razor was the drug. And thanks for the feedback, I'll look into characterizing Angie alittle more. If anyone wants to read the whole text, just post your e-mail addresses, and I'd be happy to send it over.
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Oh, and Curtis is the name of her high school. Maybe ill tweak that too, maybe say "...Curtis High's most well liked...."
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
So you're about to dive into a flashback in the 2nd paragraph? That's usually a sign that you've picked the wrong place to start the story.
I thought the drug = knife metaphor was confusing. But I'm not a cutter; I guess I'm not in the target audience for this.
Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :
Intriguing, I'd be willing to read more, if you don't mind waiting a couple of days.
I agree that I've heard not to have a flashback scene (had to rewrite my opening). If you wanted to introduce Angie as a cutter right away you could start with an earlier incidence of her cutting. It would still be shocking enough for most readers, and you could build/ escalate her behavior to this scene (or a similar one) later in the story.
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
It's definately a good idea to tag "Curtis" with High, or even High School. I figured Curtis was her father.
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
I'd be interested to read it.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
I got the drug-cutting conflation pretty much straightaway.
Arguably, a better strting point to this might be when she very first cut herself. Why did she do it? What combination of events put her in that emotional state? How aware was she of WHy she was doing it? And why did the experience give her enough self-validation to conitinue doing it?
You can then follow her downward spiral, and (depending on where the story heads) redemption, or destruction. I think it might have more impact than when we come into it in the middle, when she's already established the habit - after all, at a guess, you're going to have to go back and explain anyway.
Posted by iggy (Member # 2603) on :
For me, this is a fairly good hook. I'm interested in why the character is doing this to herself and I want to learn more.
As for the razor-is-the-drug, I got it pretty quickly. To make it clearer though, you could perhaps refer to the razor first, and then refer to it as a drug.
Also, having the flashback coming up so soon feels like it might be interupting the action. Maybe you could take the action a little further before using the flashback.
And if you would like another reader you can send it over. My e-mail's in my profile.
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Well, actually, im kicking around the idea of a high school reunion, and every former student thats introduced jumps to a story about their youth, one defining day that changd them totally, (sort of in the style of Chuck Palahniuk's Haunted) so i didnt want to get too indepth about Angie since there will be several other girls to introduce. I do appreciate all the feedback though, and ill send out the full text to a few more readers when i get the chance.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
I know most of the comments have been said, I just wanted to add one more and reiterate STRONGLY what Beth said.
"Angie closed her eyes and relived the last few hours..." This is an editor's red flag. They will roll their eyes and set it into the reject pile without reading another word. Listen to Beth, she knows of what she speaks (I'm sure her rejection pile is several feet high ). Always begin at the beginning. Stay in the now as much as possible. This is really important to keep the reader involved in your story. And since this is such a strong subject I think it's even more important.
Also, keep in mind most of your readers will not be familiar with the subject matter. No one but someone who has done this before knows what it's like. This is what you need to get across: The "why". It's what everyone will ask. "Why the hell is she doing that?" It makes no sense to your average person.
I'll read it too, if you need anyone else. I'm fairly curious how you'll handle it.
Oh yes, and welcome to the shark pond.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited August 06, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited August 06, 2005).]
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
ouch .... its a short story, so I didn't think all those rules applied, since its only 2 pages long ...OUCH!
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
actually, I think that the shorter the piece, the more the "rules" apply, because you have absolutely no margin for error. One false step and *poof*, it's over, and there isn't time to recover.
Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :
I try to practice immediacy in verbs, and try to keep actions and thoughts in sentences as few as possible. I don't always do it correctly, but I try.
For instance, I see the first few sentences should be more like this: " 'I just need one more...' Angie Jenson said. She reached for the drug. She depended on it. Who would think that Curtis' most well-liked blonde sliced her legs up under her cheerleading skirt? 'One more...' She held the kitchen knife in her hand. No one missed it."
Oh, and I think "most well-liked" should be something else, but not "popular." Both are kind of high school cliches. If I could think of a good substitue myself, I'd put it here.
It's promising, though. Keep at it.
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
I thought this started with a very strong voice, and it was a shame that it started dropping into more conventional storytelling as it went along. Grab that voice and use it--it's engaging and fresh.
I think pixydust is spot on--a flashback cue so early on in a story is a red flag, at least it always was for me when I was a submissions editor. Usually I groaned--just before starting to compose my rejection .
There are other ways to make this work. Instead of going into flashback, have Angie engaging in thoughts that evoke whatever events have brought her to this point. Self-harmers of my acquaintance used self-harm as a way to relieve a build-up of strong emotions, so Angie's state would probably be too agitated anyway to put together a coherent recollection of events. Instead, she would dwell on particular moments, increasing her agitation so as to enhance the release to be gained from the cutting.
Everyone is different, of course, but in my experience self-harmers can put a time, place and rationale to every scar. The more intense the emotion, the more likely it is that a memory of it will be laid down, and there is of course pleasure in reliving the moment. For these reasons, I found the idea that Angie has forgotten the background to previous incidents unconvincing. That doesn't mean it's wrong--it just didn't work for me.
I did think the subtle way the story showed that Angie's life is being defined by others worked very well. Lovely showing .
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Sorry, hope your toes don't hurt too bad. I wasn't aware I'd done an "ouch"--let alone and "OUCH". Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Quite alright, growing my thick skin as we speak. ::clenches eyes shut,squeezes hands real tight:: see it coming in? Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
It looks lovely!
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
I could use some of that!
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
What a horrible thought. Being hunted for your lovely thick pelt, it'd be enough to make me disfigure myself too.
But then...gad, if I admit the true reasons I carve myself it would only disturb everyone. Not that something like that would stop me. I carve bits off myself because I'm tasty. So it isn't like it takes a lot to drive me to doing something like that.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Tasting yummy is a terrible burden. I feel for you Survivor. I once had this friend who tasted really good but she got drowned in A1 by her boyfriend. It was horrible.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I thought she was cutting herself so she could rub a drug in the cut.
Here's what I liked: * The situtation grips me. I'm completely hooked. * The character grips me. * The storytelling grips me.
Here's what I didn't: * You've got some problems with sentence construction and punctuation. It's enough to put an editor off, I'm sure, and that would be a shame! See Strunk & White for the punctuation; for sentence construction . . . maybe someone else has a suggestion beyond Strunk & White. * I totally agree about the flashback. Well, almost totally. You could get by with this, maybe:
Paragraph where Angie cuts herself. # Entire story ... # Final paragraph or 2 where Angie is in the cutting-herself time again
...as a framing device.
But often framing devices aren't needed. Too soon to tell. Certainly the way you have it constructed now (no offsetting blank line) doesn't indicate "framing device" to me so much as "flashback because the story needed to start where the flashback starts."
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Thank everyone for the advice and help. Unfortunately, I too have encountered the problems of being just too tasty. A really slim friend of mine who we all called "french fry" went camping with a rather large pal of ours. Only one returned, and his mouth was covered in cheese and ketchup. Very sad.
Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :
Ive been thinking about all the comments I've gotten, and I might change tbe format of the story to her in the act with moments of the days events coming to mind and tormenting her further. Or is that still too flashback-esq? Because if thats the case, ill start it from the beginning of the day and work up to her breakdown, but I dont know if I want to change my format that much.
Posted by Miriel (Member # 2719) on :
I think it largely depends how you do it. If you go away from the present action for more than a paragraph, that probably borders on flashback. But if you can smuggle little bits in here and there and spread it throughout, you could do that.
Posted by BuffySquirrel (Member # 2780) on :
Strunk & White has its uses, although some of my friends swear by the Chicago Manual of Style. Me, I'm a Brit, so I use Fowler's .
However, speaking as an editor, I didn't find the sentence constructions off-putting. If anything, their slight unconventionality added to the freshness of the voice.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Whatever manual works, sure. But let's be clear: I wasn't talking about unconventional sentence constructions. I meant things like this:
“I just need one more…” she said reaching... [MISSING A COMMA BEFORE REACHING]
“One more…”. [EXTRA PERIOD]
She didn’t even notice that no matter how dark the cut, she always forgot why she made them. [COMMA SPLICE]
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
quote:Ive been thinking about all the comments I've gotten, and I might change tbe format of the story to her in the act with moments of the days events coming to mind and tormenting her further. Or is that still too flashback-esq? Because if thats the case, ill start it from the beginning of the day and work up to her breakdown, but I dont know if I want to change my format that much.
Why not try it one way, and if that doesn't work, try it the other way?
People can remember single things in short thoughts without it turning into a flashback. A flashback is a whole scene. It sounds like you're talking about single memories mixed in with current actions.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
I would agree strongly that "drug" and "Curtis" are confusing. I honestly thought that the POV character was a prostitute because of "Curtis's most well-liked girl." "Curtis High School's most popular girl" would have set me straight.
Otherwise, the opening reminded me of Farenheight 451--"It was a pleasure to burn." Except here "It was a pleasure to bleed."
). Always begin at the beginning. Stay in the now as much as possible. This is really important to keep the reader involved in your story. And since this is such a strong subject I think it's even more important. 