Hatrack River Writers Workshop: My first attempt at a sci-fi novel!

This is topic My first attempt at a sci-fi novel! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001236

Posted by teedee (Member # 2741) on :

I have been working on an idea for a sci-fi novel for a few months now, and would appreciate the harshest criticism you guys and gals can throw my way.

It's about a planet of humans, which are in the beginning phases of developing psychic powers, that are being subjegated by another human planet, Ji, which has more evolved psychic powers. If anyone wants my first chapter I'd be glad to send it to you and blind you with my grade 10 English!

Chapter One

Ving approached the Mother Tree cautiously, using the shadows cast by the magnificent purple-leaved deadwood as cover. He crept through the thick grass like a hungry puma, ready to pounce at a moments notice.

His felicity, of making it to the camps hidden doorway, was quelled when he felt a mental wall form in front of him.

"Very good Traskin," Ving praised a stocky man sitting upon a branch above him, "What gave me away?"

Traskin smirked, "The few strands of sun gleaming off your bald head!"

Ving laughed heartily. A normal soldier would have been whipped for a smart-ass remark like that, but this wasn't a normal soldier or a normal army. He knew that if he didn't allow the people under his command to jest and joke, it would ruin everyone's morale.

This was a camp of rebels, which in all seriousness called themselves "The Free Peoples of Aratos Lafinea". They couldn't act like themselves outside the camp, lest they be caught by Ji'Lazi scouts.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 09, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Gah! I'm blind! Blind...noooooo! Argh! qgRUIBFIUvy IHFLKK,.

Okay, just kidding

This starts off pretty well, though some of the imagery was a little...well, purplish, actually. Some odd usages and punctuation too.

Then you go off into straight out exposition, which takes up half this opening. Enough to make your blurb entirely redundant, and then some.

You end with the POV character saying something that apparently is either entirely unsincere or very irresponsible, without letting us know which it is.

Yeah, I know that some people have been complaining about it lately, but wordcraft really is a serious part of what makes a story saleable. I'm also a little worried about your characterization so far. Not going on much so far, but Ving and Traskin feel a bit fake to me (I mean, of course these are not real people, the point is that they should seem real).

I think that the concept might be interesting, but you can't sell a story's concept until you hook the reader on your writing of it.

Posted by teedee (Member # 2741) on :

Guess I'm going to end up a janitor.

I get the part about the last sentence, but the rest I'm having trouble figuring out. *looks up exposition* Ahh!

I'm going to finish the chapter then begin to revise it until I have something legible.

P.S - Thanks for the honest and brutal, self-esteem lowering, confidence shattering reply.

[This message has been edited by teedee (edited August 04, 2005).]

Posted by Elemeno (Member # 2752) on :

Congratulaions, you're story is the first one I'm reviewing (hope this is still helpful).
The story topic sounds interesting, but I definitely agree with Survivor about your exposition. For the first thirteen lines of a story, all that backstory is a lot for a reader (or at least for me) to take in.
I see a sense of humor in your writing that seems like it will be a large part of the story in general. This could be appealing or not, depensing on how it plays out through the rest of the story. I think you should be okay as long as you're aware of this aspect of your writerly voice.
In terms of grammar, I was a little confused by your third sentence (the second section of the 13 lines).
Good luck with your rewrite!

Posted by RagDoll (Member # 2757) on :

Not bad, but ill have to agree that some of the imagery is alittle overdone. I didnt care much for the puma reference. Overall, not a bad premise, just needs alittle tweeking my dear.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

The thing to keep in mind when you are world-building in science fiction or fantasy is that you have to be cautious of using a real-world metaphor. "Like a puma"... do they HAVE pumas on this world? If not, then the characters wouldn't compare themselves to a puma. The narrator sure shouldn't be slipping in an off-world metaphor, either. You should strike comparisons the characters would recognize from their own world.

Also... sun doesn't come in strands, so the reference to strands of sun shining on his bald head comes across as a little odd. Maybe the few strands of hair left on his head are reflecting the sun?

I liked the purple-leaved wood, but not so sure that calling it deadwood works for me. Deadwood is just that... dead. It has no foliage.

The mini-info dump you do about the rebels could probably work into dialog somehow. This would allow you to introduce the concept without suddenly jumping out of your POV.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited August 05, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Or you could just leave it till later. After all, the idea that this is some kind of training camp emphasizing the more psychic martial arts is already well presented by the action you show. We can learn the rest as it comes up.

Posted by teedee (Member # 2741) on :

Ah, thanks for all your advice. I will try to incorporate it into my first rewrite.

Am I allowed to post my rewrite in this thread? It will be 13 lines, although I think my first was only 12.

I don't want to write a full chapter yet, because I feel that I would just make the same mistakes throughout.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

If you feel that you need a lot of training in the basics of narrative fiction writing, then doing short stories for critique is a good idea. People often assume that they can't write short stories in a fantastic milieu. Nothing could be further from the truth, you just can't live off short stories written in a fantasy milieu.

Unless you collect them into a book...er, series of books. Very popular books.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

quote:
Am I allowed to post my rewrite in this thread?

Yes, absolutely!

Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :

....but don't overdo it!!! That is to say, don't do a rewrite after every single post. Let some time go by, collect a bunch of different opinions, and then rewrite as necessary.

Posted by teedee (Member # 2741) on :

Will do, thanks.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I really hope I am the only one here who has no idea what is going on in this story, otherwise I give you guys way too much credit. When I read the opening thirteen lines, I felt like there was no point. There doesn't seem to be a direction and to me that is the biggest turnoff in a book if I don't feel like the main character is really doing anything.

Three other small things I think need fixing:
-If Ving is a rebellious soldier or training them, then why does he say "Very good" instead "You got me, you (insert curse word)"
-Why is a stocky man in a tree? To a passive reader, it will be overlooked, but it feels like we have two old men fighting in a psychic duel, when they are stated as being joking rebels.
-You need to make a web of information that moves outward instead of jutting out the web in one direction without following up the other sides. Translation: I am reading about Ving and Traskin, I know nothing about them other than Ving is bald and Traskin is stocky, yet I know that they are with rebels and are on the run from the (insert cliche sci-fi fanatic group name) scouts.

I would however like to see how this story unfolds, so send it my way and I will use my bountiful amounts of free time to read it.