Hello everyone. I'm looking for readers and/or comments on the first 13 lines as a hook for a short work I did this weekend. It's about 1700 words and the working title is Demons o' the Hollow
Goodman Bog watched his son rollick in a drift of leaves on the village square. Kerr squirmed until only his grimy five-year-old feet remained visible, then he burst up with a squeal and shower of gold aspen foliage.
"Look at the birds, Daddy," Kerr said.
Bog looked up. A cloud of dark forms glided from the west. Their caws rode the wind before them. "Crows," Bog said.
"Crows." Kerr spoke slowly, as if he savored the sound of the word.
The birds landed on the square, squawking and jostling for position. Each had a patch of white feathers around it left eye.
Oldman Wye approached. "Scruffy and noisy lot, aren’t they?"
"Strange one too," Bog said. "Look at that spot on their faces."
Wye shuffled forward, squinting to see. He stopped and went rigid. "It’s the Murder." The old man bolted towards the street and raised the alarm.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
If you don't mind that it'll take me a few days to get to it (I've already got two outstanding crits), then I'd like to give this a read.
I can't resist a murder of crows...
Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :
I'll take it as well, I loved the first sentence...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It looks good. The setting feels pretty solid without a lot of needless description and the tone seems to match the POV.
I'll say that I didn't quite get "Kerr spoke slowly, as if he savored the sound of the word." I tried working out in my head what that was sounding like, and it kinda sounded more like Kerr was imitating a cawing sound while saying "Crows."
I was also puzzled by what direction "towards the street" indicates.
Those points aside, I'd certainly be willing to read the rest.
Posted by Carlene (Member # 2745) on :
I'd be happy to take a look at it.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I'd like to read this.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
I think it's a very good beginning.
Posted by Fahrion Kryptov (Member # 1544) on :
Nice hook! I'd like to read some more!
Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :
Okay, everyone that asked for it should have it now.
I really appreciate everyone helping out.
I have had a chance to glance over a few of the critiques and they look awesome (I'll have to break out a new box of bandaids, though!)
I'll get back to you all individually, just wanted to say thanks in advance. Hopefully I can put them all to good use. I've never got this kind of feedback on my stuff before.
Posted by bradford (Member # 2708) on :
Ok about your 13 lines...I did find that I would keep reading. I liked it. One point, I think you pack alot of information into the sentance about the child trying to let us know about him. Maybe have the details scattered out a bit. The father could state that he is five, or such. Just a thought